Packing

Packed away my maternity clothes today.  Woot!!  So excited to be rid of all that elastic.

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First Weeks Of Life

Where do I begin?

The baby (I really need to find a bloggity name for him) is happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.  We have the semblance of a daily routine.  We are surviving and sort of accomplishing things most days.  We went to his first Renaissance Fair!  He has given us his first smiles.  We have learned that we definitely need more bottles.  No progress has been made on any house cleaning.

DH is back to work from his paternity leave.  I’m very bummed about it.  We’ve enjoyed our time together so much.  The baby was just icing on the cake.  It’s the longest we’ve gotten to spend together since block leave when he left for deployment.  We found it sorta sad that I had to push a screaming human out of my hoo-ha to get that kind of time together.

My mom came down this past weekend, and it was so refreshing and lovely to have her around.  I’m very taken aback by how much I want my mom here.  I really want to show off my little nugget, but I’m really, really wanting my mom’s company too.  Baby’s do weird things to people.  I never thought I’d be wanting my mom like this.

DH’s mom was here the first weekend, and the visit turned into a disaster.  It’s way, way too complicated to go into right now.  The short version is she monumentally overstepped some boundaries.  I’m very angry about it still.  It’s going to be one of those things that takes me a very long time to come to terms with, which makes me even madder because it will forever be linked to my first memories with my lil boy.  Ugh.  The whole situation pisses me off.

I’d like to save my first thoughts and feelings about birthing and motherhood for a separate post.  They deserve their own space and time to breathe, but I wanted to let everyone know that we’re hanging in there.

Baby Update–Almost There

We’re about a month out now (shorter if my crossed fingers work at all), and we’re all doing really, really well.  Health-wise, we’re still both perfect and tolerating things really well.  My poor feet are suffering the most at this point.

My co-workers threw me a baby shower last week, and it went really well.  I begged out of my friend throwing me one, but I couldn’t get out of one at work.  I was so proud of myself for being social and happy and not letting my anxiety ruin the evening.  It was a good night and very exhausting.

Last weekend I got the tags off everything and washed the cloth items.  I couldn’t believe I have 4 loads of laundry!  That’s insane.  Beebs is like a sack of potatoes.  I don’t know how a sack of potatoes needs 4 loads of laundry to survive.

DH and I decided to try g diapers.  They’re super cute eco diapers.  I like the idea of cloth diapers and their environmental friendliness, but I don’t want to be touching and rinsing and dealing with poo any more than I have to.  G diapers can be used as cloth diapers or you can get the cotton insert part of a regular diaper to put into the cloth outer layer.  Then you toss or even flush the insert instead of washing a cloth pad.  We aren’t committed forever to them, but we really like the idea and want to see if it’ll work for us.  I’ll let you all know how they turn out as it goes.  I should take a picture of them, because I love how they look.  They are so colorful and cute.  I researched at gdiapers.com but bought them at diapers.com which has everything you can imagine for babies.

Anyhoo, we still need a crib and a car seat.  So…only the two most important things.  It’s on the list for when DH gets home.  I couldn’t make up my mind and really couldn’t handle such huge symbols of baby-dom until recently.  Speaking of which, my prenatal depression is doing alright.  I’m still on medication and going to therapy once a week, but I’m doing good.  My extremes are gone, and I’m almost sorta close to being excited about being a month away.  I’m feeling like I want to pull in and hibernate until the baby comes.  I really want DH to come home already and take over the house.  Soon.

Random Episode #111

What has everyone been up to?  It seems like we’ve all been too exhausted to blog much lately.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m blaming mine on this huge belly I’ve been lugging around.  I’m down to about 7 weeks left, which is great because my belly is outgrowing my maternity work shirts at an astonishing rate.  Other baby planning is going well.  I’ve picked up lots of stuff at local thrift stores.  There are so many great finds there with tags still on them.  We’re missing a crib and a car seat/stroller, so that’s kinda important.  I’m going to try and hit some stationary stores in town looking for fantastic paper for birth announcements this Saturday.  I’ve been on meds now for a few weeks, and I’m feeling alright.  I’m almost even getting excited.  I’m hoping to keep up the momentum so my nerves don’t get the better of me as the day creeps closer.

DH is out training, so I’ve been lounging around home getting lonely.

I got some of my veggies started for the spring.  I have cucumbers for pickling, green beans, and potatoes started.  I want to get a tomato plant, a pepper plant, and strawberries maybe this weekend.  It’s going to be fantastic!!  There’s a tater tub thing at Walmart that I’m trying this season.  It comes with everything for like $12ish and grows fingerling size potatoes all in this black bucket with a lift out insert to check on the potatoes as they grow.  I’m super excited to see if it works out.  Oh, and I’m sure I’ll pick up some flowers sometime too, but I want to maximize my veggie growing season before it gets too hot down here.

I’ve been reading a ton of great books, but I want to give those their own space.  So…just wait longer.

My parents came and visited about two weeks ago or so just for the weekend.  We had a great time, although we didn’t really do much.  We went and saw Riverdance, and I was a bit bummed because I’ve seen it once before and this time it seemed like a slimmed down version.  It wasn’t a grand feeling like it was last time I saw it.  Anyway, we did a lot of non-baby things and some baby things, so it was a nice mix.  Short but sweet.

Ugh, taxes are here again.  My W-2s got all screwed up, so I’ve been waiting on those to get corrected before I can start.  And for some reason two of my interest bearing accounts didn’t send me 1099-INT forms this year.  Seriously??  Is the universe trying to stress me to the max right before this baby gets here?  I hate tax season…

So that’s what I’ve been up to.  With DH out on a suck-fest right now, maybe I’ll get reacquainted with the blog world.

Medicated

I just wanted to post a quick update.  I started medication on Monday after an appointment with my OB.  They seem really willing to help with prenatal depression, which was reassuring, but I’m going to wait and see until after my therapy appointment tomorrow whether or not she recommends that I still go to a psychiatrist.

I’m so out of my element with this medication thing.  Supposedly it should take awhile to feel the affects, and I might have to go through several dosage adjustments to find my level, so I can’t really tell if it’s working.  I feel relief though knowing that at least it will end.  I don’t have to worry about what if I can’t get a handle on this before the baby gets here or while DH is gone.  At least the decision is made, and I know I will eventually feel better regardless.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at.  Red and I have been talking when we can.  Having her already have navigated these waters is really reassuring.  She keeps reminding me that this is the right choice, and I’m being proactive instead of waiting for what we all know will turn into postpartum depression.  She had another baby boy in December, by the way.  He’s adorable, but he’s getting in the way of my phone calls.

I’ll keep you updated in how this whole medication thing goes, but I’m optimistic and that’s good.

Dark Place

Some bummer news…  Over the past few weeks my mental outlook has continued to decline at an alarmingly fast rate.  I’ve been seeing my therapist (who is the absolute best) rather sporadically because of the hours of my new job, but at the last meeting she was really concerned.  I’m upping my meeting back to weekly, she called in a favor to a psychiatrist friend, and I have an appointment with my OB to discuss putting me on antidepressants.

Prenatal depression isn’t exactly uncommon, although obviously it gets less attention than postpartum depression, and I am at a much higher risk with my past history, but I’m still bummed.  I’ve never had to go on antidepressants before (although maybe I should have), and it feels like such a failure.  I’m worried about the side effects because I know these meds are serious drugs.  I’m worried about taking too long to figure out the med situation and being too late because I know it takes awhile to get the right combination/level of these drugs.  I’m worried about this being the right choice because I’ve been able to deal with this on my own in the past.

It just sucks!  Health-wise I’m doing so well.  My stomach issues are calm.  The baby couldn’t be growing more perfectly.  I’m just starting to hate the baby and this pregnancy for so many reasons.  I hate that it’s changing my relationship with DH.  I hate the pressure I feel having to shop for it.  I hate the intrusion I feel from my family because they’re excited for it.  I hate how my body’s changing to accommodate it.  I hate strangers asking personal questions about it.  I hate the uncomfortableness and the squirminess and the sleeplessness that it’s causing me.  I hate the public expectation to be overjoyed over it.  I hate everything right now.  I’m stressing over the birth, over shopping, over single-parenting while DH is gone…  It doesn’t end.

I’m bummed that I have to go through this healing process again, but I’m more worried that because of its different causes, this time is going to be harder and I’m not going to be able to be a good parent.  I already feel like it’s unfair for DH to live and deal with a mentally ill person regularly, but a kid isn’t going to understand.  I don’t want to burden him with it when he should be worry-free and ignorant of such problems.  And that’s how my thought process goes full circle and I start feeling like crap again.

Baby Almost 6

Hola Bloggity Peeps!

I don’t quite know why that greeting was needed, but it felt right.

I figured I should try and do a beebs update since it’s been awhile.  It’s not that I’m lazy with posting, (although I sorta am) it’s that there’s nothing interesting to report.  It’s still in there.  It’s moving like crazy, although it can tell when it’s DH’s hand and he goes into stealth mode.  My underwear ceased to fit weeks ago.  So far we’re both healthy and complication-free.  It’s the most uninteresting pregnancy ever.  No weird cravings or anything.  It’s down-right boring.

We had our big ultrasound about a month ago.  He looked like the cutest little thing ever!  DH found out the gender, but he’s sworn to secrecy.  We have names mostly nailed down, and I’ve been walking around saying “he,” but it’s mostly because saying “it” is weird.

The good news is I literally just got back from the chiropractor!  On a whim I decided to go with DH to his adjustment this afternoon, and the pediatric chiro was working.  Ahhhh!!!!  It’s like angels came out and a little golden light when on over his head.  Plus, it’s a military only chiro, so the prices are totally affordable.  Military insurance does not cover chiropractic care, and this place opened up a few months ago right off post especially for military families.  Treatments are less than $20!  That’s huge when typical chiro prices for established customers tend to be $50-$75.  My hips and low back are smiling right now.  I can’t wait for lil beebs to get here because I will be taking him.  I totally plan on being a regular customer for these last few months too.  I will single-handedly keep this place in business.

Besides that, my main issue is me.  The baby’s fine.  My back is now fine.  Mentally, I’m dragging my feet on adjusting.  We haven’t bought a single thing for this beebs yet.  I just can’t seem to do it.  It feels weird even though I’d obviously be waddling up to the check out at this point.  I’m finding so much anxiety about buying the wrong thing.  How can I know what he’s going to like or want when I haven’t met him yet?  Things are so expensive for babies!  I am paranoid about investing in baby items that I don’t need.  And there’s so much of it, and one thing leads to something else.  It’s amazing how stores and books and commercials make it seem like you will not survive if you don’t have product x, but as a potential parents, you are so freaked that you will believe anything.  So you’re convinced you must have product x, and then there’s only 15,000 choices of product x, but choose carefully because the wrong one might have BPA or some fatal recall that will doom your kid to pigeon toes and bad gas mileage forever!!  It’s amazing how quickly I can be reduced to tears in the rubber-coated spoon aisle of a BabysRUs.

My solution has been teensy baby steps to the point that I’m pretty much ignoring that my house is void of impending babydom evidence.  I have been staying away from reading about pregnancy because I don’t want to stress, and those books are designed to do nothing but send you into a panic about just about everything.  I did find a pretty great book with a worksheet for buying for babies at the library, so I’ve modified that.  I have made list of the absolute bare essentials and things that I’m 100% sure I want for comfort, their estimated cost, and suggested quantity.  That in itself is a big step forward.  I’ve started looking online to compare big ticket items like strollers and cribs too.  Now I have to actually put the plan into action.  Thank goodness I have three months to procrastinate, and my mom is visiting next month.

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