Operation New Baby…Delayed

Nope.  No baby yet.  We had a false alarm early yesterday morning but are still waiting.  Red’s been in mid-labor since then but isn’t getting past it.  We’ve been walking a lot and running errands to stay busy, but no baby sightings yet.  We did visit the county fair, and Red got me hooked on VFW bingo.  Oh man, I just know I’m going to win the big money playing bingo.

While I’ve been waiting for Operation New Baby to commence, I finished my last class.  Yay!  I’m so happy to have the daily homework side of my degree done.  I’m really on the last stretch of finishing my last few research articles and writing, writing, writing.  I maybe can catch a tiny glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel now.

Red has been making me drive all over since I got here.  She heard I had my license finally, so she’s been making me practice tons.  Prairieville is light on the traffic side, so I’ve been doing good.  Driving in town with no freak outs or anything.  Go me.

Being around Red and Mr. Red the Giant is making me very, very homesick for DH.  He’s been so attentive and anxious about the baby, I feel a little lonely.  When she starts feeling bad, she wants him and not me.  I guess I’m a little jealous, but I feel more like the third wheel.  I don’t know where to go where I don’t feel like I’m intruding on them.  And it makes me miss those moments with my own hubby.  I’m ready for this long training separation to be over already.  I miss having him around regularly.  This is maybe the toughest part of being apart.  I am less busy, it’s been quite a few months now, and I’m around another lovey couple.  It’s torture.  I walk around feeling like I want to cry, but I want to be giving Red attention and help like a pregnant lady needs.  This time is not about me, but I’m starting to really hurt inside.  I don’t get cell service out here in Prairieville either, so there’s been no texting, no calls, no messages.  Nada.  I might be here for two and a half more weeks.  I’m having DH withdrawls!!

I think this might cure me of my occasional baby fever though.  When I first got here and saw how protective Mr. Red the Giant was to his wife’s belly, I wanted it so badly for myself.  I want to share that with DH.  The longer I’m here though, I don’t want kids.  I want to be with DH again, but our time is so fleeting.  He wouldn’t be able to be there for my belly the same way Red’s hubby is, so I’d be missing the part of the experience I want the most.  And honestly, I don’t want to share right now.  I might get as little as a few weeks with DH before he’s gone again.  Kids in that situation would not be good.  And personally (and I apologize to all moms everywhere), the baby process does not look pretty.  Not much encouragement to jump in on that fun wagon.  I don’t know.  DH and I have been doing a lot of discussing about the topic, especially with deployment schedules coming out.  I don’t know if I want it bad enough to compromise and try to squeeze it in around him being gone.  We concluded more thought was needed.

Hopefully I can report on Baby Red’s arrival in the  next few days.

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Hitting The Wall

I am 100% dead tired.  Like crazy, toothpicks-to-hold-your-eyelids-open tired.  Like sad, Enengizer-bunny-might-just-run-out-of-batteries-this-time tired.  It’s that bad.

I think I might have gotten an ear/sinus infection coming back from moving myself out of storage.  No, I haven’t gone to get it checked out.  Every time I think I should call, I swear I might be getting better.  But it’s wore me out.  On top of that, I’ve been commuting about an hour and a half each way to the archives to research for the beast that is eating my life.  This thesis is a soul-sucking monster.  I research all day, which I love.  It’s fun and is making me feel really good.  Being productive with something that I truly enjoy is doing wonders for my mental state.  I’m making friends down there and am finding good stuff for my paper.  Really, it is a good thing.  But research is sooo tiring.  It works your brain muscle super hard.  Day after day of research is mentally exhausting me…but at least it’s a positive exhaustion though.  I get home for supper and get to spend more hours doing homework and (yay) another paper.  My brain is going to explode.

I’ve been crawling into the covers close to midnight every night.  It’s not what my poor body wants.  Yesterday I raked the yard too.  All that exercise drained the last of my energy and gave me blisters in return.  Bastard.

Next week is going to be equally busy with homework and yes, another paper.  But…wait for it…I’ll be doing it with DH.  Sqeeeeelll!!  That’s why I’ve been busting my bum researching super hard, because I’ll be out of town visiting my hubby next week.  I’m so excited.  I miss my Sweet Pea.

To bed, Fred.

Mental Illness Series: Grad School

I’ve been really struggling for almost the past two week maybe. It’s felt like so much longer than that, but I’ve been steadily going downhill with occasional moments of almost manic happiness. I’m getting exhausted and borderline desperate. It’s not fun. Honestly, I’m scared. I no longer know where bottom is going to be. Each main area of my life has its own challenges, so I’m going to try and break them up separately to make it more manageable for me. School is getting so close to the end, it should be smooth sailing. This deep mental valley couldn’t come at a worse time. I’m barely staying on top of my daily work. It’s torture to try and sit and concentrate when I’m falling apart. I went on the fishing trip (more later when it’s a tad more appropriate), and tried to keep up with my homework. I got home though to find that I’d done the wrong reading putting me days behind. I also keep getting notes from my professor that I need to participate more. I’m a little at a loss. I feel like I can’t be involved a whole lot more. It’s already sucking so much of my time, and I’m feeling less and less able to sit and actually do the work, let alone more. I have a paper due this weekend, which I haven’t started yet. It’s kind of like a book review though, so I think it’ll go fast. At least it’s not original though because that I just couldn’t do.

My thesis advisor is not what I hoped for either. He’s been rather unhelpful and brief in his correspondence. I think he’s busy traveling or teaching summer courses because he always sounds preoccupied. He’s been putting me off, but I finally got him to talk to me. Only all I got was “Think up a thesis statement. Then we’ll talk.” Couldn’t he have said that weeks ago? I’ve got a lot of traveling coming up, and I’m unsure how I’m going to get all my research done and submit my outlines on time since I haven’t even started yet. The project is seeming more and more daunting as the weeks are going by. I’m feeling overwhelmed and unprepared to do this. I’m in no state to work double-time to get where I should be right now. In general, I’m disappointed about the whole process. They really talked it up and made it seem like the be it and end all, but I get the impression that my advisor is not taking me seriously and wants to shift my topic away from the idea I was really excited about. That’s not much motivation to get my focus on either.

The sad thing is, this thing that takes over my brain is really making me not care. I have stellar grades (if I can brag a little) so far, but right now I have no desire to finish well. I just want to be alone and self-medicate. Combined with feeling like this is the easiest course, so there is no way I should be in such bad shape with it, I’m just getting buried. I have just over four months and I’ll be able to say I’m Solitary Wind Chime, M.A. I should be able to do that. I don’t want this darkness to ruin all my hard work, but the tasks sitting in front of me seem insurmountable. Every time I sit down to work, I get so upset that I have so much to do that I can’t do anything at all. I can’t do much of anything else either though, so my whole life seems like it’s stacking up in little to do piles around me.

After all this work, I’m looking at the stack of books on my desk and wondering if finishing is worth it. I hate this because it makes six more week of this class feel unbearable and out of reach. This mental crap takes all value out of my life. I feel robbed and cheated out of the pride and happiness from a job well done and a huge accomplishment. Instead I’m just glad that I get to crawl into my hole and be alone. It physically hurts.

Mini Vacation

Yes, I know it has been quite a few days, but I’ve been busy.  Honest!

I had a paper due for class.  It’s one of the last assignments and it comes at a horribly busy time with everything else that I’m doing to wrap up.  It’s never fun.  I think I did well on it though.  Hopefully better than I did on the last one.  I should be finding out in a day or two, so we’ll see.

DH finished his training and had four days of leave.  He came out to visit last Friday, another reason I was feeling rushed about the paper.  I hardly do any work with him around, so I wanted to get as much done as possible beforehand.  We had a great weekend.  We went to a state park on Saturday that has a lots of trails along a major river.  I called DH a billy goat because I think he spent more time climbing the rocks over the river than he did on the main path.  It was (and still is) unseasonably hot, so that took a little wind out of our sails.

Sunday was Shakespeare’s birthday celebration!  It was really hot, so we didn’t stay the whole day, but it was really fun.  It’s at the Folger Shakespeare Library.  They have a fabulous reading room with the largest collection of original Shakespearean works and an elaborate stained glass window.  Gorgeous.  It’s only open to approved Ph.D. students for research except every year on Shakespeare’s birthday.  I’ve been dying to go but have never had the chance.  I made it this year.  There was a lot of stuff to do for kids–drawing, scavenger hunt (which I did even though I was a bit too old), quill making, paper pressing, costumes, skits, and medieval sword play.  Plus there was plays in the theater, the gardens to meander through, and the two reading rooms were open as well as the museum hall.  There was food and music and all the actors from the theater were wandering around in full costume all day.  There was even birthday cake!  It’s a shame it was so stinkin’ hot, but it was very cool even so.  I highly recommend it if you’re around next year on April 26.

DH had to report to his final training on today, Tuesday.  I planned a little mini vacation for myself.  I drove out to his reporting station with him and planned to stay the week.  I was going to piddle with homework while he was busy, and in the evenings we could explore the area.  I had made billeting reservations over a week ago because there’s a huge event in the local area, and I knew hotel rooms would be scarce.  We got here and his and my reservations had been canceled and his reporting time moved until the 14th of May.  I should know better.  I should expect this stuff.  I know that, but I was so upset.  It might have been the day and a half stuck in a car or the fact that pollen has exploded since the weather’s been so hot and my allergies have gone haywire.  The 14th is three weeks away.  That’s three extra weeks of leave where we could have stayed at my house instead of the flea bag motel they put us in because it’s the only thing under the government per diem rate.  That’s three weeks of restaurant meals.  It’s so frustrating.  It only takes a phone call, but the military seems to boycott those sorts of courtesies.  I swear, one day I will be in a place where things like that won’t sent me into instant fury.  It’s just that it’s Every.  Single.  Time.  I’m just glad we don’t have kids to be shuffling while all this is going on.

So here I sit, lached onto my Kleenex box for dear life.  I’m itchy and snotty because of these allergies, but I will enjoy my mini vacation.

Checking in

I know it’s been awhile, so I’m checking in.  I had a paper due  last week, so by the time my usual homework was finished and I typed my heart out on the paper, I was sick and tired to being tied to my keyboard.  The paper turned out well though.  My professor this semester is rather strict picky anal interesting, so I’m anxious to see what she thinks of it.  I usually do well, but I’m having a little rougher time trying to figure out what she wants than I have in the past.

I’m still hitting the gym regularly.  My mother had a tough training class for her job last week, so we couldn’t go to the gym on exactly our normal schedule, but she’s lost 9.5 pounds already!  I’m so proud of her.  She struts around here showing off her baggy pants and bump in her bicep that the benchpress is giving her.  Personally, I’ve been rather disappointed in my run time.  I usually try and run 2 miles, which isn’t anything to pout about, but I’m slow.  I am not a runner by any definition, but my mile time is still over 12 minutes.  I can’t seem to drop it at all even though I’m running several times a week.  Grr…

In happier news, DH called today to say that he’s getting a quick flight up here for Easter weekend.  Yay!  I had started making an Easter tree last week because I was bored.  That turned into me making a ham for Easter because I was kind of hungry for one, and no one else is going to do it unless I volunteer.  Now that DH will be here, I’ve really got to put out a spread.  Looks like we’re celebrating suddenly.  We usually skip Easter since we’re not very religious.  If I can figure out how to post pictures, I’ll post a picture of the Easter tree when it’s all done.  It’s starting to look really cute!

Last weekend my mom and I went to a craft fair that was in town.  I found the cutest little hat and mittens for a baby by 32 degrees.  It’s fleece with a little orange nose (personally it looks more like a beak to me) and eyes on the front.  It’s mostly white with rainbow along the ear flap area, and I got black mittens to go with it.  My best friend is having a baby this fall, and I couldn’t pass it up.  She doesn’t know what it’s going to be yet, so I figured the multi-colored one would be safe enough.  Again, I’ll try and post a picture of it if I can…or here’s the link.  I have tried to restrain myself from baby shopping because if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.  Let the floodgates open!!  I just found out yesterday that two, possibly three, of my six cousins are pregnant.  If I’d only known!  I could have have got fleece hat wild.  The penguin ones were adorable too.  I almost got a long stocking cap for me, but DH would have flew off the handle.  It’s not exactly needed in the hot climate we’re moving too.  But they were just so cute!

I wanted to say something quick about my attempts at a routine too.  It’s coming along….ever so slowly.  One day I’ll make it out of bed before 9:30.  Other days it’s my usual 11:00.  I’ve been tring to give my dog, Milo, playtime in the late afternoon everyday, so that’s been good.  The weather here has been so gloomy and wet recently, so even that’s been an uphill battle to find a good day to go out.  Between the gym schedule, increasing homework demands, and the dog, I’m inching closer.  I’ve been really productive the past few days with laundry, the Easter tree, and research for my big, end of course paper.  I’m in decent spirits for the most part, so I’m encouraged that if I can ever nail down a routine I’ll be in good shape.