Odds And Ends

The clock is ticking down, and I’ve been staying busy as usual.  I tried so hard not to think about DH coming home, but I broke down and now I’m getting impatient.  No amount of busy work can keep my mind off the end at this point.

The Sick of Being Sick Challenge is…going.  I’m finding it easier to eat vegetarian than to get to the gym.  I’m not feeling as better as I’d hoped by these changes, which makes being active hard.  I had a doctor’s appointment today and got a referral (or more accurately with TriCare–a referral to get a referral) for a surgeon.  Ugh.  I don’t want to go down this path, but it’s looking like I must.

I’ve had lunch and dinner dates with a few ladies over the past few weeks.  It’s been lovely to socialize over a good meal.  It’s amazing how much better it can make you feel just to be surrounded by other people who really get it.  I don’t have to look at only my lonely dinner dishes afterward either.

On that same general topic…I’m sick of people who don’t get it.  That look of pity they give you when they find out your hubs is overseas is infuriating.  Don’t pity me.  I’m doing this mess and I’m doing it well.  And I really don’t need to be reminded just how hard/sad/painful it is.  Especially when it’s closing in on being over with, I’m excited now, not sad.

I’ve been working on redecorating my bedroom.  Is it redecorating if it was never really decorated to begin with?  Either way, I’ve been sanding and painting.  I’m determined to have this room done by the time DH comes home.  I have learned that I have an extreme hatred for sanding and painting in the process.

I thought I had more say.  Maybe I was just missing you all.  🙂  Until next time…

A Plan For the Home Stretch

Today I started a new project.  I’m calling it the “Sick of Being Sick and Going to do Something About it–Oh, and Maybe Look Good For the Hubs” plan.

My health issues are primarily digestive system related.  It seems minor or at least non-vital but when you can’t digest food right you start messing with nutrition and growth and weight.  That all leads to way bigger issues with the other organs not to mention being active, sleeping, allergies…the list goes on.  If your body can’t get all it vitamins and minerals through eating, you’ve got a big problem.  I have a big problem.  I can regulate it the majority of time by staying away from my trigger foods, but sometimes it goes crazy all on its own  and there’s nothing I can do but wait it out.

I’ve been waiting for over a month.  A month of a non-working digestive system is not a good thing.  I’m tired to waiting, so I’m taking more aggressive measures.

I’m going to try and run 100 miles (161 km for you Wiley :)) before DH comes home.  Being active can help digestion along when the body can’t do it on its own.  It’s just difficult because without good food there’s not much fuel for the body to run on.  It’s a catch-22 in the worst way, but I hope that pushing through the first week or so will jump start my body enough that it will get easier.

To complement my excercise plan, I’m going to go veggie lover for awhile.  I don’t know if I want to do it completely until DH comes home, but I need to do it for a few weeks at least.  I’m like a 75% vegetarian anyway because a lot of the time it’s the only thing my body can work with.  I need to get back to the basics and love my fruits and veggies, let my system reset itself, and hopefully get back on a good path.  I got some good cookbooks from work today, so I’m headed to the store tomorrow after work (fun Friday night plans, I know) to stock up and get started.

I’m shooting for working hard until DH comes home and then re-evaluating.  It really has nothing to do with DH and everything to do with my health, but the homecoming is kind of an impending deadline that I can work toward.  And if I can get in better shape, it’s just icing on the cake.

3 miles down.

Still Standing And Only A Little Sticky

I know I’ve been hibernating this last week since my disappointing reaction to a scrapped weekend.  It’s taken me awhile to get out of my funk, and I’ve been just plain busy.  I want to elaborate on that more, but I’m trying to stick to one post at a time.

I didn’t get my car back until a week after it quit working.  When the mechanic finally looked at it, it started right up.  Never could figure out what was wrong with it.  Murph, it’s just not funny anymore.  At least I only had to pay the tow fee, but I feel like I’m riding around with a timer that could click off at any moment.  I’ve just been lucky that it’s happened when I’m at home both times now.  Can I twist this into an excuse not to run errands on the other side of town until DH comes home?

Two of the gals from work are bent on losing weight, so I’ve joined them for classes at the gym almost every night last week.  I did yoga, Zumba, and step aerobics.  It’s been so fun, and I’m feeling good about getting back in the gym.  It’s made for some very long evenings though.  Zumba is a riot!  I love it.  The latin music reminds me of my DH, but it’s real women shaking it in a room full of mirrors.  That’s a pretty big accomplishment.  I am horrible at it, but it’s just so darn much fun I want to keep going.  I messed up my calf at aerobics though.  Those women are high-energy freaks of nature.  It looked like I jumped in the pool when I walked out of that class, and I think I only caught half of what the regulars did.

As good as the gym is making me feel, I’ve been really, really sick.  Everything I’ve tried to eat has not gone down well.  Everything about this episode is a screaming sign to hurry up and have my surgery.  More on that for a later post, but for now, it’s kept me tired and grumpy and in a whole lot of pain.  Poo.

I did squeeze in some canning after work!

Doesn’t my strawberry jam look purdy?  The jar packaging called those new “fashion lids” because they came in silver.  Uhh…alrighty then.  I’ve already cracked one open, and it’s currently over buttered toast right next to my keyboard.  hehe… I know that was mean, but it’s just so yummy. 🙂  These guys are next on my list.

 It’s going to be wonderful.  I want to do pears later in the early fall.  My grammy’s canned pears were always my favorite growing up.  Fresh fruit and all the goodies that come from baking fresh fruit are probably the only thing that make the summer heat worth it.

I have several posts in the works that I want to catch up with.  I’ve been reading some good books that I want to share.  I’ve had some interesting days at work, and a lot of thoughts have been floating around about this deployment, surgery, and depression bubble.  I’ll work on getting some thoughts in order, but I wanted to say hi and that I’m thinking of everybody.  Until I find a few minutes again…

So Proud

I did it!  Last night I went to my first yoga class at the gym.  I’ve been wanting to go since I got here and have never made it.  I asked a friend to go with me, but she was busy, and I still went!  I’m so proud of myself.  Turns out there were only four people in the class last night, but I still walked in and participated to my fullest.  Go me!

Anxiety sucks.  I almost talked myself out of going like a dozen times.  I had excuses and back up plans and a million reasons why I shouldn’t go try it.  It’s so frustrating because I really did want to go.

The class itself wasn’t the workout I was hoping for, but the stretch and relaxation it gave me was great, as always.  I’m thinking about trying one of the cardio classes for a good workout instead.  Something’s got to happen.  This deployment 15 has got to go!

Busy Doesn’t Begin to Describe Me

I’ve been plenty busy lately and wanted to do a hodge podge post of all that I’ve been up to.  It’s been a whirwind the last couple weeks.  I’ve got so many projects in the works that I want to hopefully finish up soon in anticipation of new projects later this summer.  The pace is making the time go by so fast.  I love it.

I haven’t abandoned my cooking self challenge, I’ve just been sick of posting about it.  It felt like that’s the only time I got around to blogging, and this is not a food blog.  I’ve made turkey pot pie from scratch, pulled pork sandwhiches, and country rib and mushroom stew.  The stew was from an Italian soups cookbook, and I know it didn’t do it justice but it was fabulous.  Maybe I’ll bake for next week…

The other problem was I was eating badly.  This cooking self challenge turned into watch me gain the deployment 15 challenge.  Not fun.  Plus all I hear from DH is how he’s been hitting the gym for hours everyday and is getting in great shape.  At the store I got tons of yummy salad fixin’s for this week instead, but I also made enchilladas.  I girl still needs her protien!  But I’m back to hitting the gym a little bit more frequently for a killer workout and am watching my portions a bit better.  It was the snacking that was killing me.  Hopefully in a few weeks I can report that the svelt me is back and I can post about  something yummy again.

Life just keeps plugging away.  It’s a busy month at work, so my infrequent off time has been spent with appointments and errands.  I indulged with a little retail therapy this past Saturday and realized I should never go shoe shopping unsupervised.  My shoe population is going to easily double before DH gets home.  But they were just soooo cute!  And then I needed a snappy dress to match…

Several of my blogging friends have opened my eyes to Etsy.  It’s fantastic.  It’s like a craft/thrift/flea market all the time!  In your house!  In your jammies if you want!!  I’m embarking on decorating my bedroom in a minimalist Asian style since it is the last room in the house that still looks unlived in if you ignore the dirty clothes on the floor.  My furniture is three different colors as it is all a conglomeration of stuff from me and my parents over the years.  Before DH gets home I want to paint the furniture and get curtains up.  The curtains are happening sooner rather than later.  I have a wall of west facing windows, and the Southern sun is baking my room.  I found vintage kimono fabric on Etsy.  It’s absolutely gorgeous and was totally worth the wait.  I’m so excited.  I picked out purple curtains and I’m going to add my kimono silk to them.  I bit of deconstruction is necessary, however.  I wanted to make my own curtains, but I just have too many windows that are super huge.  It would cost me a fortune to buy that much fabric.  The store didn’t have enough panels in stock, so I was going to order them online.  I was tired to making the trip across town and my bank account cannot stand another shopping detour.  Unfortunately they aren’t sold online at all.  Bummer.  It’s like the universe is telling me to go shoe shopping again.  I have found that I have no self control when it comes to this.

Red is still struggling.  I feel so badly for her.  I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my own recovery.  Parts of me are so grateful to be feeling better, however temporarily, and can’t wrap my head around it anymore.  But she is thinking about coming and visiting this summer, and I’m so excited!  I need to start brainstorming ways we can get ourselves into trouble.  I’m thinking a trip the beach might be in order.

I meant to expand one most of these ideas, but I just got too far behind.  I’m hoping once I get some of these projects finished I can post some pictures.  Anyhoo…back to business I suppose.

Status Report: Overloaded

I didn’t make it to the first yoga class.  I didn’t sleep well on the first night.  I would have appreciated my first night in the bed alone to not also be the first night of a vicious cold snap–Thanks Mother Nature.  I finally got deep, restful sleep early in the morning and did not want to get up and about early enough to make it to yoga.  I’m not bummed though.  Missing this class doesn’t mean I’m never going to go.  It just means I need to try extra hard to make it to the next one.  I am so excited about being able to do yoga at the gym, but maybe I’m a little nervous too about joining a class with people I don’t know.  But how can I expect to be busy and have friends if I don’t go somewhere to meet them?  I have made it to the gym for a regular work out though, so I feel good about that.

I emailed the local museum about volunteering in their reference library and met with the local historical society about helping out in their archives.  I ultimately want to work in the museum/archives field, but I’m trying to be realistic about my current job prospects.  It’s hard to get those jobs, and volunteering is an excellent way to make connections and stay relevant to the field when you can’t find a job.  Smaller museum often get grant money for projects as well, and you might be able to be paid for temporary work.  Plus I thought it would get me out of the house a few hours a week and I could meet people who were also interested in the same stuff I’m into.  The museum sounds mostly art related, which I have little experience with, but I’m interested in learning.  Art is usually it’s own special area of museum stuff, so any experience I get would be great.  They also have internships that I would love to get to help with  my museum credentials, and if they know me as a volunteer I might have a better shot.  The historical society is more of a solitary project.  As with any historical society, they have little funding and are just happy to have someone to help.  I’ll have total freedom but probably won’t be meeting lots of people.  They were so excited to have someone with “experience” want to volunteer.  Ha!  Ego stoker…

I had my first therapy appointment too.  It was disappointing, but it was the first meeting so I’m trying to stay open-minded.  She doesn’t seem like she’s going to be a good fit for me.  I’ve had five different counselors over four years, so I’ve figured out what kind of style I like.  I’ve already done some serious foundational work that I don’t want to rehash.  No matter what I seem like now, I’ve come a looonng way.  I know the main areas I want to work on, and I’m not sure if this lady is going to be open to that.  She seems more interested in driving the appointment rather than letting me dictate where I want to explore or discovering things with me.  My biggest turn off was 1. she repeatedly interrupted me and wouldn’t let me finish and 2. she gave me a big packet of “homework” for me to write down all my background narrative.  I know it’s slow, but I want to be able to decide when and if I share some of this stuff with her as we develop a relationship.  I certainly don’t want to describe any sexual abuse in two short sentences or check a box if I’ve thought about suicide.  How impersonal, insensitive, and inconsiderate of the gravity that these statements mean to a person, and frankly, I think as a therapist she should know better.  I want to give her some time because the first meeting is always weird, but she really gave me a bad impression of her.

I’ve been running errands all over the place and am so proud of myself of driving.  I still don’t like to do it and wish that I could walk more, but at least I’m managing on my own.  I’m actually out and about more now than when DH was home.

My best friend Red called the other day and said she’s struggling with postpartum.  I was so sad for her.  I would never wish depression on anyone.  I was so frustrated that I couldn’t be near her to offer her more support, but I packed up a box and sent it to her to let her know I was thinking of her.  I packed comfy sweats, a chick flick, chocolate, and popcorn.  I hope she curls up and takes an afternoon to herself without feeling guilty.

I’ve also started my star banner.  I have all the pieces cut out.  I’m ready to set up my sewing machine and get them put together, but I’m waiting on fusing that my mom is sending me.  I needed like two inches to tack the star to the center while I sew it on and totally forgot.  Luckily my mom was already mailing me something, and the mail only takes a few days to get her from her house.

After recounting all that, I see how I’m feeling like I need to do it all before he’s even truly gone.  He’s only gone for a quick train-up and will be home in a few days.  I don’t need to start everything on my list on the first day I’m alone.  I’ll run out of things in the first month if I do that.  I was just so worried about preventing my weird slump and excited to do things that I’ve been looking forward to for months.  I can cut myself some slack about not doing yoga already and save it for when he’s officially gone.  I think I should be super proud of all the stuff I have done in just a few short days.  In no way do I currently feel homebound.  Actually, I’m feeling like I don’t have enough hours in the day to do everything I want, so I need to pace myself and not get burned out from being overly perky and optimistic before he’s even gone.  I think it’s a symptom of being checked out too early.  I’d mentally prepared myself for this part of things way in advance, and now I’m feeling the effects.  Time to scale it back some.

Status: T minus 30

It’s true.  We’re down to the last dirty thirty before this separation is over.  I fear the rest of the year is going to be one long, panic-stricken whirl.  I declare today to be the official beginning and figured it merited a status report before it all goes to hell. 

I step foot back in the gym today.  Oh it wasn’t pretty.  I had some genuinely indignant muscles.  As much as I fear their wrath tomorrow, it needed to happen.  I feel all over better when I work out regularly, and I think it’s a universal compulsion of military wives to try and get in shape right before their husbands come home.

I got reassigned a new advisor for my thesis today.  Excited and nervous.  Hope he likes all the work I’ve put in already, or I’ll be back to square one.  I think tomorrow will my first official day writing too.  Starting with military telegraphy I think.  It’s been speaking to me.  It’s a small aspect of the paper, but it’s also a great example of the relationship between the military and postal service.  Hopefully it’ll be an easy couple pages, and the rest of the composition juices with rise to the surface.  The first few pages are always the most telling of the whole paper…

My mom asked me to drive her to the airport on Friday.  I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it.  If I end up on the side of the road crying before my mom makes it through airport security, is that a bad sign about future independent driving on my part?  Uhh…  I want to say no so badly.  Damn myself for knowing what’s good for me!

Super Rad has a date to come home!!  I hope I can meet him when he comes off the plane again.  DH is telling me not to hold my breath with how our schedule is looking.  His brand of sensitivity is NOT one of his traits that I’m missing.

Seriously, I’m freaking out about this driving thing!  I wish I hadn’t brought it up.

And the biggie…When DH and I finally get back together after long absences, it’s always a grab bag for how I’ll feel.  I usually don’t get excited until the very last minute, like maybe the day before or afternoon of.  It’s too hard to get all ramped up in advance.  Part of me doesn’t believe it’ll happen I think.  I’m usually extremely nervous and scared once we’re together.  I worry that we won’t be the same when we see each other, and he won’t like me anymore.  I worry that I’ve forgotten how to be with him.  I worry that I’m not going to get all those lovey feelings back toward him.  (Maybe I worry too much?)  I’m sure I’ll get all those feelings when the time gets here, but I’m also feeling a lot of different things this time.  I’m sad.  I know it sounds weird, but I don’t want to move to our new duty station.  I don’t like the area of the country.  DH probably won’t get to be there long before he deploys, leaving me to essentially move in and get to know a new place that I’ve never seen alone.  I have to decorate and furnish our first house, and it’ll all be strange to him when he gets home.  I’ve been crying a lot.  I’m having to prepare for deployment when I don’t even have my hubby.  Super Rad is coming home, relieving that intense fear that my family’s been living with, but I’m not really getting any break.  My hubs is going, and I’m left with that crippling fear about watching the news or getting a phone call when everyone else’s is ending.  There’s so much to do and keep track of and organize during this process.  It’s overwhelming.  My head’s a jumble of jobs, therapists, fences for the dog, car loans, op orders, refrigerators, dining room sets, visits to family, ordering checks, winter coats….  It’s so much that some days I can’t function.  Other days I’m in the middle of this eerie calm where I feel nothing.  It’s over a month away.  I’ll figure it out later.

Today is not one of those days.  And I have a migraine.  If I can survive this, I can do anything.

Cause for Celebration!

I have a brand new cousin as of June 12th.  It’s a little girl.  Reports say that Thing 1 and momma are doing well.  Her pregnant sister, due in September, was there for her the whole time.  Her brother’s wife, also pregnant, is due in October.  My aunt is reveling in her grandma-ness right now.  Hehe…  I’ll get to see Thing 1 and maybe Thing 2 if she’s born yet in my travels later this summer.  Yay for family tonight.

I also took the plunge and got back to the gym after a hiatus of about four weeks.  I’m celebrating now, but tomorrow I’m going to be crying.  I was so proud of myself and did three miles on the treadmill along with my usual arm circuit.  I also do squats on a half stability ball that work wonders.  It’s a squishy ball on one side and has a hard plastic bottom.  I flip it over and stand on the flat side.  Squats are sent to a whole ‘nother dimension because you have to engage muscles to stay balanced on top of the squat muscles.  Tossing a medicine ball to someone while standing on it works really well too.  I’m totally expecting to be hobbling tomorrow, but it had to happen eventually.

Checking in

I know it’s been awhile, so I’m checking in.  I had a paper due  last week, so by the time my usual homework was finished and I typed my heart out on the paper, I was sick and tired to being tied to my keyboard.  The paper turned out well though.  My professor this semester is rather strict picky anal interesting, so I’m anxious to see what she thinks of it.  I usually do well, but I’m having a little rougher time trying to figure out what she wants than I have in the past.

I’m still hitting the gym regularly.  My mother had a tough training class for her job last week, so we couldn’t go to the gym on exactly our normal schedule, but she’s lost 9.5 pounds already!  I’m so proud of her.  She struts around here showing off her baggy pants and bump in her bicep that the benchpress is giving her.  Personally, I’ve been rather disappointed in my run time.  I usually try and run 2 miles, which isn’t anything to pout about, but I’m slow.  I am not a runner by any definition, but my mile time is still over 12 minutes.  I can’t seem to drop it at all even though I’m running several times a week.  Grr…

In happier news, DH called today to say that he’s getting a quick flight up here for Easter weekend.  Yay!  I had started making an Easter tree last week because I was bored.  That turned into me making a ham for Easter because I was kind of hungry for one, and no one else is going to do it unless I volunteer.  Now that DH will be here, I’ve really got to put out a spread.  Looks like we’re celebrating suddenly.  We usually skip Easter since we’re not very religious.  If I can figure out how to post pictures, I’ll post a picture of the Easter tree when it’s all done.  It’s starting to look really cute!

Last weekend my mom and I went to a craft fair that was in town.  I found the cutest little hat and mittens for a baby by 32 degrees.  It’s fleece with a little orange nose (personally it looks more like a beak to me) and eyes on the front.  It’s mostly white with rainbow along the ear flap area, and I got black mittens to go with it.  My best friend is having a baby this fall, and I couldn’t pass it up.  She doesn’t know what it’s going to be yet, so I figured the multi-colored one would be safe enough.  Again, I’ll try and post a picture of it if I can…or here’s the link.  I have tried to restrain myself from baby shopping because if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.  Let the floodgates open!!  I just found out yesterday that two, possibly three, of my six cousins are pregnant.  If I’d only known!  I could have have got fleece hat wild.  The penguin ones were adorable too.  I almost got a long stocking cap for me, but DH would have flew off the handle.  It’s not exactly needed in the hot climate we’re moving too.  But they were just so cute!

I wanted to say something quick about my attempts at a routine too.  It’s coming along….ever so slowly.  One day I’ll make it out of bed before 9:30.  Other days it’s my usual 11:00.  I’ve been tring to give my dog, Milo, playtime in the late afternoon everyday, so that’s been good.  The weather here has been so gloomy and wet recently, so even that’s been an uphill battle to find a good day to go out.  Between the gym schedule, increasing homework demands, and the dog, I’m inching closer.  I’ve been really productive the past few days with laundry, the Easter tree, and research for my big, end of course paper.  I’m in decent spirits for the most part, so I’m encouraged that if I can ever nail down a routine I’ll be in good shape.

Alright, I guess it’s time

I’ve been putting this off, but there’s really no reason to.  One facet of my mental illness is triggered by DH being gone.  I’m not sure yet if it’s just the change of routine or the fact that he’s not physically present, but for some reason I have built my foundation so completely around him that when he leaves, I feel as if I can’t continue being myself.

I wish I had blogged before we moved, so the difference between planned and reality would be more obvious.  I had such high hopes!  I wanted to get a bus pass and be a busy little bee.  I wanted to spend time at the big museums I love downtown.  I wanted to find a local yoga class and go often.  I even thought about locating a psychotherapist and going because I knew being back with my parents was going to be rough.  I brought books I wanted to read, unfinished cross stitch projects, and ideas about  my final thesis for school that I could start researching.

My life looks nothing like that plan.  I usually stay in bed until lunch time when the dog finally barks enough that I know the neighbors are going to be pissed.  I drag out my school work but don’t really work on it for most of the day.  I do go to the gym with my mother.  I’m trying to help her lose weight for surgery she’s going to have in May, but I think if she wasn’t waiting to go in the evenings, I wouldn’t drag myself there.  I usually have to quickly turn in my homework minutes before the midnight deadline, and sit up reading or playing on the Internet until at least 2 am.  I haven’t even changed my address yet.  I’m relying on the post office to forward it for me.  I hate it!  I know that if I just get a routine going, I would feel forced to follow it and would be better, but I can’t.  I’ve tried.  I set my alarm every morning and make plans for what I’m going to do but can’t follow through.

It sucks.  I feel miserable, but this happens every time.  It’s only been two weeks, and I even get phone calls most days!  Do you know how lucky I am to get fairly regular contact with a DH in training?!  It’s unheard of.  My biggest problem when this happens is my eating drops to about zero.  I haven’t figured out why I do that either, but it’s really not good.  I’ve gotten better about it, but each day is kind of a toss up on whether I’ll feel motivated to go to the fridge or not.  If I have to fix something, just forget it.  I lived a week once on granola bars, Nilla wafers, and yogurt.  Another time it was nothing but oatmeal.  And if DH happens to check up on my eating, watch out for that storm.  Nothing gets me madder.  It doesn’t make sense to me either, and knowing that it happens doesn’t help prevent it at all.

Luckily, I have no choice but to deal with it and get over it since the military could care less that I don’t want him to leave.  It makes me upset because I feel like I’m being pushed into it faster than I feel comfortable, but maybe I’m just whining.  I just want to get better under my own conditions in a place where I feel secure.  My parents do not provide that environment.  They don’t recognize, understand, or tolerate mental illness.  They have an idea of who I am and who I should be, but it doesn’t match up with who I really am.  They are very set in their beliefs, and other ideas, values, and opinions are not tolerated.  Thus I don’t feel encouraged to be my true self.  I put that desire on hold through high school, thinking I could just turn the switch on once I was at college.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I never learned how to do that because I had the pause button on for most of my life.

I was reading my homework, an ancient text on samurai sword techniques, and I found a little quote that spoke to me.

“If you do not pursue a genuine path to its consummation, then a little bit of a crookedness in the mind will later turn into a major warp.”     -Miyamoto Musashi in The Book of Five Rings

That totally happened to me, and it’s a horribly painful path to undo it.  On a side note, Buddhism and Daoism really speak to me.  Maybe I’ll study it more in the future.

So I’ve been slowly coming into my own.  Even things like what I like to wear or the music I want to listen to is foreign.  DH has been more supportive and patient than I could ever image, but without him as my crutch, my efforts falter.  Especially when I’m back in such a toxic environment, I crawl back into the familiar shell.  When I’m here I have to hide certain aspects of myself that aren’t accepted here.  I explain it like ruts in a dirt road.  This family has established ruts.  Mine was bad for me, but I can’t change it’s path when no one will adjust theirs to accommodate me.  I have to use that rut when I’m here. It hurts so much worse knowing that it’s all faked on my part.

Unfortunately, coming here was the best option when DH got his orders.  It’s all an opprotunity for me practice being on my own, but that’s so hard to remember some times.