Oscar Worthy

My brother, Super Rad, just graduated from film school.  I am so crazy proud of him.  I flew up to his place for a few days to see his movie premier and hang out.  I haven’t seen him in about a year, and he’s gotten out the Army, moved, and gone back to school since then.

He is super freaking talented!!  His passion is writing screenplays, but in the final movies he wrote a few, directed at least one, acted in two, edited several, and sang for another.  That’s just crazy.  He’s always been into music, and I knew he was decent at it, but he is so stinkin’ creative and artistic.  He’s an incredibly funny guy, but the movies he wrote and acted in were dark.  One was about torture and the other about getting his brother killed in a deal gone bad.  I couldn’t watch part of the torture movie it was so well done.  So scary!

I got to see his apartment and hang out a few days.  I met his friends who all seem like cool people.  It was such a short trip, but I’m so glad I went.  I’m still smiling about it a few days later.  I have a feeling I’m going to need to buy a bookcase soon to have some place to put all his movies.  He’s already working on movie sets.  I so better be thanked in his Oscar speeches!

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If Only It Was My Last Deployment

Before we left for the in-law visitation trip, we drove the opposite direction to see my brother come back from his second and final deployment.  YAY!  Super Rad is currently stateside, safe, relatively happy, and counting down the days until his is Army free.

Super Rad landed in the rain just like his first homecoming.  Unlike his first trip, he came home with a much lighter spirit.  This deployment wasn’t nearly as scary as the first because of the draw down.  I’m so glad since he’s getting out of the military in a few months.  Reintegration is tough enough with the military there to provide a routine and mental and medical support.  Being cut loose to get those things on his own would have been so hard.  He’s thinking about going back to college in the fall.  I hope I stay living kind of close so I can drive up and interrupt his partying studying occasionally.

He landed on a Tuesday and by that Saturday, a large chunk of his combat pay had been spent on a new black truck.  I should have given him the bank number for the decorate-my-house charity fund if he needed to spend money that badly.  I guess he’d been dreaming about this truck his whole deployment, so I don’t really blame him.  Being sans wife and kid freed up a lot of cash as well.  Lucky duck.  I can’t wait to see it next month!

His homecoming was bittersweet.  I’m so relieved to have my bubby home safe.  It’s a horrible feeling to live phone call to phone call.  Super Rad and I are pretty close, so I’ve missed his company, witty remarks, and casual smile so much.  I want him to visit me all the time!!  Super Rad’s homecoming was shadowed for me though.  DH is leaving so soon.  I’m angry at the people whose fear is ending when mine is not.  I know it’s automatic, but the war kind of ends when your soldier comes home.  You don’t watch the news as carefully.  You quit subscribing to the newspaper.  You don’t hurdle dining room chairs in your path to get to the phone when it rings.  I’m not saying you don’t care or quit paying attention entirely, but it does become less immediate.  I guess I’m just grumpy that I can’t do that yet.  My fear is growing now that Super Rad is back, and I didn’t even know that was possible.  It chokes the life out of everything already.  And then I was angry at myself for letting these worries interfere with celebrating Super Rad’s homecoming.

Stupid deployments.  They ruin everything even when they’re not around.

Status: T Minus…Go Time!!

It’s down to the holy-cow-I’m-about-to-lose-it time. DH will be here any time, and the driving, unpacking, and ACTUALLY MOVING will commence. I am about to lose it, but not all in a bad way. There’s a lot to do, and I’m more afraid I’m going to forget something that has to get done once we’re there. I’m also just super, super excited that I’m going to get DH back, even if it’s for a short time. Squeezing, cuddling, smooching, and giggling will all occur. (You have been warned.) I’m thrilled that I’m going to get a house that’s all my own. I can’t wait to get to know my new city and learn the layout of the commissary and finally get back into the workforce. I’ve done it. A whole year of being displaced and waiting is finally over.

That being said, I have to get my bum in gear. No packing has occurred. None. I haven’t even washed my clothes. I have collected all the important paperwork and made an important stuff folder. Any PCSing spouse will tell you that the important stuff folder is their ticket anywhere. Lose it and you might as well give up. Nothing will keep me from getting a house in a few days. This folder will be glued to me at all times.

Thrown into the mix is this Super Rad’s deployment is ending, and he’ll be back stateside in the next few weeks. I made my hotel reservations for a chunk of time since I don’t know the exact day he’ll be here. Hopefully DH and I’ll be able to make it. We have no idea how this PCS is going to go, so it all depends on what we find when we get there.

I’m so incredibly happy that my brother will be home finally. It’s been a bit difficult too because DH is probably deploying shortly. That gripping fear is ending for my parents, but for me it’s really not. It makes me feel so alone in this process. A spouse is different than a sibling or a child. My mom has been trying to prep me for being down there, like her mentioning the aloneness now is going to help me from losing ground and returning to that weirdo who never leaves their home. Honestly, I can’t stand her trying to help. She didn’t even know about all the bad stuff when it was going on, and now she’s talking like she has expert knowledge on what happened. Ugh. I’d rather be alone than be surrounded by people who in trying to be nice actually make it worse.

I went to look at curtains tonight! I know I don’t even have windows yet, but I am so freaking excited to be getting a house!! Target has a really nice selection. I was thinking green and maybe brown for the living room, but they have gorgeous plum curtains. I could be persuaded. I have zero purple things, but I have a odd mixture of dorm furniture for a one room apartment so my things aren’t finding a good place in my daydreams of a beautifully decorated new home.

Which brings me to my next worry—moolah. I don’t know how we’re going to afford all the stuff that we have to get. DH thinks we need a new car. My curtains are going to get place way, way on the back burner. I’ve made tentative plans to have my family down to my new house for Christmas this year, and I want so badly for my house to look like it’s somewhat put together. I know they don’t care, but I do. First things first I guess.

I’ve been applying for a few jobs too. Some I’d love to get and others that I could tolerate because the salary is decent. No bites yet, but I’m not discouraged. I’ve got lots to do, and not having to worry about starting work the first week I’m there is making it a tad easier. Not helping with money worries, but oh well. I’ll get there eventually. I think some people are turned off because my address is not a local one. I don’t blame them for not wanting to hire someone so far away, especially for just a normal job. Once I get a local address hopefully my resumes won’t look so scary.

Did I mention we’re thinking about driving back to DH’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving? Yeah, let’s just squeeze that into the mix! But I’ve got stuff in their garage that I want, so I’m not complaining. ALL my stuff may potentially be under one roof, MINE, within the month. Don’t want to jinx it quite yet, but oh my gosh I could cry.

Sigh, this is going to be one heck of a roller coaster, but I can’t wait.

Status: T minus 30

It’s true.  We’re down to the last dirty thirty before this separation is over.  I fear the rest of the year is going to be one long, panic-stricken whirl.  I declare today to be the official beginning and figured it merited a status report before it all goes to hell. 

I step foot back in the gym today.  Oh it wasn’t pretty.  I had some genuinely indignant muscles.  As much as I fear their wrath tomorrow, it needed to happen.  I feel all over better when I work out regularly, and I think it’s a universal compulsion of military wives to try and get in shape right before their husbands come home.

I got reassigned a new advisor for my thesis today.  Excited and nervous.  Hope he likes all the work I’ve put in already, or I’ll be back to square one.  I think tomorrow will my first official day writing too.  Starting with military telegraphy I think.  It’s been speaking to me.  It’s a small aspect of the paper, but it’s also a great example of the relationship between the military and postal service.  Hopefully it’ll be an easy couple pages, and the rest of the composition juices with rise to the surface.  The first few pages are always the most telling of the whole paper…

My mom asked me to drive her to the airport on Friday.  I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it.  If I end up on the side of the road crying before my mom makes it through airport security, is that a bad sign about future independent driving on my part?  Uhh…  I want to say no so badly.  Damn myself for knowing what’s good for me!

Super Rad has a date to come home!!  I hope I can meet him when he comes off the plane again.  DH is telling me not to hold my breath with how our schedule is looking.  His brand of sensitivity is NOT one of his traits that I’m missing.

Seriously, I’m freaking out about this driving thing!  I wish I hadn’t brought it up.

And the biggie…When DH and I finally get back together after long absences, it’s always a grab bag for how I’ll feel.  I usually don’t get excited until the very last minute, like maybe the day before or afternoon of.  It’s too hard to get all ramped up in advance.  Part of me doesn’t believe it’ll happen I think.  I’m usually extremely nervous and scared once we’re together.  I worry that we won’t be the same when we see each other, and he won’t like me anymore.  I worry that I’ve forgotten how to be with him.  I worry that I’m not going to get all those lovey feelings back toward him.  (Maybe I worry too much?)  I’m sure I’ll get all those feelings when the time gets here, but I’m also feeling a lot of different things this time.  I’m sad.  I know it sounds weird, but I don’t want to move to our new duty station.  I don’t like the area of the country.  DH probably won’t get to be there long before he deploys, leaving me to essentially move in and get to know a new place that I’ve never seen alone.  I have to decorate and furnish our first house, and it’ll all be strange to him when he gets home.  I’ve been crying a lot.  I’m having to prepare for deployment when I don’t even have my hubby.  Super Rad is coming home, relieving that intense fear that my family’s been living with, but I’m not really getting any break.  My hubs is going, and I’m left with that crippling fear about watching the news or getting a phone call when everyone else’s is ending.  There’s so much to do and keep track of and organize during this process.  It’s overwhelming.  My head’s a jumble of jobs, therapists, fences for the dog, car loans, op orders, refrigerators, dining room sets, visits to family, ordering checks, winter coats….  It’s so much that some days I can’t function.  Other days I’m in the middle of this eerie calm where I feel nothing.  It’s over a month away.  I’ll figure it out later.

Today is not one of those days.  And I have a migraine.  If I can survive this, I can do anything.

Back To Business

I’m back! I got back from my marathon vacation two days ago. It was hands down the best time I’ve had in a long, long time. Red and her new family are doing well. It tore my heart out to leave them. I think it’s so unfair that one of the rare people in this world that completely accept me for all my weird, dented, malfunctioning glory lives so far away. We’ve only ever had one fight in the 13 years we’ve been friends. I can say or do the oddest thing, and she’ll shake her head and laugh but not in a mean, condescending way. Nothing but acceptance. I don’t get that a lot. In her voice, in her actions, I only see her concern and care for me. I wish I could have that more than every few years when we visit for a few days. I don’t know what to do with that yet. Am I lucky or am I being denied what everyone else gets? More thoughts on that later.

The rest of my family in Prairieville was equally as great. I had the best time with my grandparents. It was slow and easy. I got to see both my cousins’ new babies, Thing 1 and Thing 2. They’re both girls and cute as a button. Everything about my trip just felt like home. I was so sad to leave. As I was saying goodbye, my grandfather hugged me and said “You always know where home is.” I couldn’t hold back the waterworks after that. My grandpa is absolutely one of my favorite people. He is a wonderful man, and I always wanted to marry someone just like him.

While I was there, I bought the cutest sweater. Not newsworthy really, but I’m so excited for it to get cooler so I can wear it. 🙂

My grandma and I took a trip and went to see the incredible house of the guy who started Arbor Day. He really was a remarkable man, and his home is fabulous. It was a beautiful day for it, and we got some fresh blueberries to make blueberry pound cake. All around, it was a neat trip. The house is on a state park now, so it’s a good day trip to take where you can picnic and be outside. There are tons of orchards around it with activities for all ages, so I would recommend going later in the summer when the apples are in season.

It’s not often when you go on a vacation that was so awesome that you regret seeing your own bed again, but mine was that way. It was so long that it feels a little strange to be back here. I have yet to unpack. That’s not going to be fun at all. Boo. I’ve been catching up with all my blog friends instead. Waayyyy more fun. I’m starting to have assignments due for my thesis for school. I spent all day today putting together an 8 page bibliography. It was insane. I never want to do that again. While out gallivanting around I finished all my research, and I’m sitting down to write. To be honest, it’s scary. I’m so not looking forward to sitting and typing for the next two months straight. Ugh…

I finally talked to Super Rad yesterday too. Oh yeah!! I missed him like crazy. He’s got a tentative time to be coming home. It is probably the most inconvenient time for me, but as long as he’s home for good I’ll be happy.

My mind is racing 900 miles per hour because it’s 39 days until DH is done and we can be together again. Sigh… I can’t sit still!! I’ve been planning my new house every night as I try to fall asleep, and I don’t even know what it looks like yet. I’ve been collecting small things that I’m going to need and freaking out because I’m afraid I’m going to forget something else. Number 1 on Sis B’s list made me laugh but is also freaking me out! I’m in list making mode. I’m in crap, I need to apply for jobs mode. I’m groaning because there’s no way I’m going to fit half of my stuff back in our car. Speaking of our car, DH says it’s on its last leg so we’re going to have to squeeze in buying a new one before he leaves. That also puts me into money worry mode. I’ve been collecting projects that I can work on while DH is deployed (which unfortunately is coming up just as quickly). I’m in too antsy to wait anymore mode. Eight months!! I’m so excited this is finally ending, but I’m getting pretty stressed too. That with the looming mountain of thesisness and leaving my bestest friend in the world is inching me closer to instability.

So I’m hoping to make a plan. I need to get my butt out of bed in the morning while it’s still morning. I need to exercise—yoga, walking, the gym. I need to sit down and work my fingers down to nubbins while my parents are at work. I need to get a resume put together and apply for any job that will pay me reasonably well. I need to make all my calls, send in all my forms, and all around tie up loose ends.

 

 

It’s ok if I can’t get it all done early. There will be time once we get there.

Breathe.

Again.

Quit procrastinating but take breaks. It all doesn’t have to be done today.

But seriously, you’ve got a lot to do so get your ass out of bed.

Fishing Trip

I said quite awhile ago that I would elaborate on the fishing trip that I went on while Super Rad was here.  I’m going to be busy this week, plus I took some pretty good pictures.  For me, it’s good if the people’s heads actually make it in the frame, plus the boat was being tossed in some decent sized waves…so I’m going to brag a little and give you a little treat and mini vacation for your eyes.

 

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This is just to prove that the boat really was being tossed around…(getting Gilligan flashbacks yet?).  And my dad was taking the picture, and he didn’t have my awesome skills. 🙂  That’s me and Super Rad and the captain by the way.  Check out his tats.  I’m so jealous.

 

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That’s my dad untangling and rebaiting the lines.  I’m not sure whether he was helping or just getting in the way.

 

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Super Rad was reeling in the big one.  No joke.  He caught a 31″ walleye that was over 11 lbs.  It was a beast.

 

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And there it is.  It tasted great too.

 

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I’m reeling like a mad woman.  I had to sit and do it because the rod hurt too much on my hip.

 

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There’s the fruits of all my labor.  Super Rad was helping out the first mate on that one.

As you can see, it was a gorgeous day, and we had a ton of fun.  We caught so much fish.  We’re still eating it almost a month later.  I’m off to bed.  Have a good night.

Mental Illness Series: The Trouble with Bros

My brother is leaving to go back overseas in the morning.  In a way, it’s a relief.  I feel really guilty about not wanting to spend time with him right now.  I’ve really been pulling away from being around people, and knowing that he’s here for such a short time adds a layer to the weight on top of me.  I’m really angry with him for not having the same relationship with me that I want (unrealistic, I know, but it is what it is), and I feel guilty that I’m mad at him while he’s here too.  Part of me says that fighting in a war is a free pass to do whatever the heck you want, but the other part is saying “heck, no! I still want life to go on like normal because it is for me.  I’m still here waiting.”

He’s been hanging out with our cousin while he’s been here too.  They never did include me or even asked if I wanted to be.  Super Rad said something once about maybe seeing her, but then he just left without mentioning it again.  He went out several evenings, once just to play board games in her apartment with her friends and roommate.  I don’t want to go out bar hopping.  I probably would have turned down most of the invites as well.  I’m not feeling social, save a lot of my homework late at night, and most times, he didn’t come home until the next morning after crashing on her couch.  Not exactly my thing.  But neither of them ever said they wanted to include me.  I want to go be social.  I do.  True, I want it to be on my terms, but I can’t try and achieve that if I don’t try.  It hurt.  It made me madder at Super Rad.  It made me feel little and worthless.  Why am I always the uncool kid that no one wants to spend time with?

The fishing trip was another big thing.  It turned out to just be my dad, Super Rad, and me.  My brother seemed to be distancing himself from us both by the end.  It was a long three days in small spaces with each other.  Everyone was ready for some space.  But my brother and my dad are creating his irritating relationship mostly out of my dad’s doing.  I’m not jealous.  I think it’s pathetic and stupid.  And it pisses me off because I’m ignored as a result.  My driver’s permit was a big event around the house leading up to the trip.  My official permit came in the mail just a day or two before we left.  No one asked if I wanted to drive.  I have actually only driven my dad once, and that was when I got my first permit over ten years ago.  My brother and dad shared the driving without ever looking in the back seat.  I had my own hotel room (half sigh of relief), but it left me out of their little clique.  Again, too uncool to be included?  It sure felt like it.  And I resent my family doing that so much more than I do strangers or coworkers.

Super Rad has always been considered the “cooler” one of us in high school.  We were in the same extra-curricular activities with many of the same friends.  They always ended up gravitating to him and leaving me out eventually.  Super Rad and I stayed fairly close for siblings, but since we’re grown and living so far apart, we’re naturally growing apart.  It makes me sad.  Super Rad is always laughing and joking around; it’s always been one of my favorite qualities of his.  Our senses of humor are changing independently of each other now, and it’s just another reason for my brother to look at me like I’m the dumbest person around.  According to him, I can’t do anything right.  My interests are lame.  I don’t listen to any good music.  I’m the older one, but I feel like I’m so far behind.

I’ve always worried or considered that I might place too much emphasis on my brother’s opinion of me growing up.  I haven’t really gotten into anything like that in therapy, but it’s been a thought floating around.  I can’t help it.  He has a very magnetic personality.  There are a lot of things I love about him.  We’re very protective of each other.  But there are times when he makes me feel so horrible about myself.  Now that I recognize it, I get so angry that I don’t have enough self-agency to stop it.  And he’s off at war, making me feel even worse about having such emotions about him.  I don’t know how to reconcile cutting him some slack and still being ok with my own feelings.  That’s why I’m happy he’s going.  I’ll miss him to death, but I feel like I’ll do less harm to both of us if the situation ends.

How sad.

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling like crying and listening to “Zzyzx Road” by Stone Sour.

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