First Weeks Of Life

Where do I begin?

The baby (I really need to find a bloggity name for him) is happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.  We have the semblance of a daily routine.  We are surviving and sort of accomplishing things most days.  We went to his first Renaissance Fair!  He has given us his first smiles.  We have learned that we definitely need more bottles.  No progress has been made on any house cleaning.

DH is back to work from his paternity leave.  I’m very bummed about it.  We’ve enjoyed our time together so much.  The baby was just icing on the cake.  It’s the longest we’ve gotten to spend together since block leave when he left for deployment.  We found it sorta sad that I had to push a screaming human out of my hoo-ha to get that kind of time together.

My mom came down this past weekend, and it was so refreshing and lovely to have her around.  I’m very taken aback by how much I want my mom here.  I really want to show off my little nugget, but I’m really, really wanting my mom’s company too.  Baby’s do weird things to people.  I never thought I’d be wanting my mom like this.

DH’s mom was here the first weekend, and the visit turned into a disaster.  It’s way, way too complicated to go into right now.  The short version is she monumentally overstepped some boundaries.  I’m very angry about it still.  It’s going to be one of those things that takes me a very long time to come to terms with, which makes me even madder because it will forever be linked to my first memories with my lil boy.  Ugh.  The whole situation pisses me off.

I’d like to save my first thoughts and feelings about birthing and motherhood for a separate post.  They deserve their own space and time to breathe, but I wanted to let everyone know that we’re hanging in there.

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Baby 4.5

So much to catch up on and so little time!  I’m going to make an effort to get some stuff down here soon.  I’ll limit this to a mostly beebs update.

Beebs is doing good. … So yeah, not much to report really.  I’m growing like nobody’s business.  I’m full maternity clothes and the whole shebang.  I’ve started feeling him wiggle around here within the last two weeks.  We have an ultrasound coming up, and I’m really excited to see how much bigger he’s gotten.

As it looks now, it doesn’t look promising that DH will be in town for the birth, and I’m totally devastated.  I know it’s not for sure, but I’m completely broken up by the thought that he might miss it.  It’s a memory and feeling that cannot be recreated, and I think it’s absolutely unfair that it could get taken from us.  I feel so angry at the Army.  I know and accept that birthdays and holidays will be missed, but I cannot be ok with getting robbed of this to.  I cannot fathom how I will be able to do this with anyone but him even though I think everyone we know has volunteered.  It’s just not the same.  As always, we’ll wait and see.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit us for the first time here at this house, so we’ve been cleaning and prepping for that.  I hoped to get curtains made for the guest room by then, but really, after two years curtains are a bit superfluous don’t ya think?  I want to maybe try my hand at a process post with those, so it all works out.

I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend.  If you’re lucky enough to be with people you love, enjoy the memories.  If you’re unlucky enough to be stuck with family, well, I feel for ya.  My sister-in-law is having a small case of baby fever, and I’m afraid for my bulging gut.  Good luck out there.

Hot And Colds

The in-laws just left this morning, and the hubs and I are glued to the couch sick.  It’s been a busy week.

There’s been no air conditioning at work for over a week and a half, and the summer reading program for kids just started.  It’s like a race between me and three hundred kids to see who can get the crankiest the fastest.

I’ve been wrestling with TriCare on getting a referral for a therapist.  As always, the referral process is cumbersome and slow, but you know, I will be going to a person eventually.  A friend of mine pays out of pocket for her therapist, and I hate hearing her struggle with her mental health versus the cost of care.  It shouldn’t be a factor, and it makes me so thankful for my frustrating, stupid TriCare referral system.  I originally wanted to talk more about that now, but this cold is taking over.

DH surprised me by coming home a couple days early, which was lovely and unexpected.  I don’t know about you, but after a long absence when the phone calls start to drop off, I sometimes daydream that he can’t answer his phone because he’s on a plane coming to see me.  Now that he’s actually delivered once, my daydreams are going to go wild.  Speaking of absences, we got notice for the next deployment.  Boo.

Now back to my kleenex box.  At least there’s AC at home.

Deployment: Sharing With The In-Laws

DH got home last week just in time to meet his mother who had decided only a few short days before that she was coming for a visit…without checking on our schedules.  Thankfully DH got come right as we were pulling in from the airport, so I thought I was in the clear.

It turns out that DH came home with bronchitis and a sinus infection, so one long emergency room visit later he got medicine and spent the rest of my MIL’s visit in drug-induced nap.  Oh yay…

The whole thing was no one’s fault, and I’m sounding really negative about the whole thing but the few days went fine.  What irritated me was first, she came practically unannounced.  My husband had been gone, and had he not been crazy ill, I would have wanted to “welcome him home.”  Plus, this is my home with my schedule and there’s a lot that goes into getting ready to go to war.  It would have been nice to be able to rearrange some things before she got here.

Secondly, she came when she did because she “couldn’t handle the real goodbye” that’s coming up.  I was not looking forward to having to deal with a very weepy, uncontrollable woman when he left, but I think it’s totally sucky to back out like that.  Yes, it’s going to be hard, but it’s part of the deal.  It’s going to tear me apart inside, but there’s no way I’d miss it.  What about DH?  As he boards the plane, I want him to know that his loved ones are there waving him off.  But as much as I don’t agree with it, I can be sad on my own terms now.

Thirdly, if I have to hear from my MIL one more time how crappy my furniture is or how she never snoops by takes my things without asking while at the same time being told by DH that I’m being too sensitive–I will scream.  My MIL is a lovely woman, but she has such a strong, self-absorbed personality that really grates on my nerves after a few days.

I needed to vent, but who am I to dictate how a person greaves and prepares for their loved one to be gone?  I think I was more frustrated that my coping was being impacted by someone elses.  It’s easy to forget that I have to share DH with other people when it’s just the two of us here.  The fact is that whatever goodbyes I want have to redone with lots of other people.  And I need to remember that when he comes home, all my happy excitedness will have to be shared and redone with lots of other people too.

Reintegration–The Family Visit

I’m sitting here at my in-laws tonight.  DH is off with his best friend from high school.  I could not be happier.  It’s been about three weeks now since DH got home, and a lot has happened.  I have a few other posts in the works that I want to get out about PCSing and Super Rad coming home, but I’ll get to them another day.  In these three weeks, DH and I have spent close to zero time apart.  I think he ran to the PX once for a light bulb and I didn’t go, but that’s been about it.  For the most part, I’ve enjoyed our time.  I’ve been soaking up the cuddles like no body’s business.  We have done some major driving, which has given us ample time to talk.  The first few days felt awkward to have someone following me around everywhere I went, but it didn’t take too long to fall into the groove again.

But seriously, people, I need a break.  It’s three weeks.  I want some breathing room.  I want to curl up and read a book in silence–something that seems impossible since Call of Duty 2 came out.  I don’t want to be asked where I’m going every time I leave the room for more than ten minutes.  I want to occasionally go to bed when I’m too tired to see straight and not at a mutually agreeable bed time set by him.  And I’m so over the toothpaste left to dry on the side of the sink.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my hubby.  I’m so happy to have him back, and I’ll gladly battle the toothpaste every morning if it means I can see his smile over my bowl of cereal afterward.  But the no personal space isn’t natural, and I wish we could move past it to a more normal state.  Unfortunately, he’s deploying shortly.  We’re getting used to each other, working toward normal, and holding on way too tight all at the same time.  It’s mentally confusing.

Block leave is a mostly welcomed part of reintegration.  I’m loving the lazy days where we don’t have to set an alarm to get up.  We’ve been spending a lot of time at the gym guilt-free.  Block leave also means that we’ve got to visit the fam though.  Ohhhh…

I don’t blame him.  I’d want to see my family too since he’s going to be heading out soon.  Plus, even though we’re not going to be here for the holidays, it’s close enough.  I’m the problem.  Spending two weeks in my in-laws’ spare bedroom isn’t high on my fun meter.  I have a stomach condition that decided to go haywire two days before we got here too.  Ugh.  If I have to turn down one more fried pork chop from my mother-in-law I’m going to scream.  Nausea means no eating…no matter how good it looks.  Period.  And is it so hard to get a decent bath towel??

They are wonderfully nice people, but this isn’t my home.  It holds memories for DH, not me.  It’s a tortuous excercise that has to happen just like pre-deployment training.  Hugs must be given.  Meals must be had.  And military spouses have to nod and grit their teeth while well-meaning mother-in-laws hand out advice about keeping a home clean.  I have the refrain of her baby boy leaving stuck in my head.  Her baby boy is trained to shoot people for a living.  I think it’s time to let that go.  I do not want to compete with her.  I will not.  We will both grieve when he goes.  We will both worry terribly and wait for each phone call.  But our feeling are not the same, and I resent her comparing them or lumping them together as one.  DH has already left her.  He doesn’t live in her home.  I will notice his day-to-day absence so much more, but I don’t get to lament over my baby boy leaving.

I had one small victory today.  I politely listened while the MIL went on and on about how my father-in-law will only eat her “special” pie crust because he’s so picky while I was preparing quick peach turnovers for dessert tonight.  I nodded while I brushed each with a little milk.  I agreed with her as I took them from the oven to let them cool.  And I only inwardly smiled so big that my cheeks hurt when he couldn’t quit raving about my crust.  Thank you refrigerated Pillsbury pie dough!  You saved one daughter-in-law’s sanity tonight.  🙂