First Weeks Of Life

Where do I begin?

The baby (I really need to find a bloggity name for him) is happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.  We have the semblance of a daily routine.  We are surviving and sort of accomplishing things most days.  We went to his first Renaissance Fair!  He has given us his first smiles.  We have learned that we definitely need more bottles.  No progress has been made on any house cleaning.

DH is back to work from his paternity leave.  I’m very bummed about it.  We’ve enjoyed our time together so much.  The baby was just icing on the cake.  It’s the longest we’ve gotten to spend together since block leave when he left for deployment.  We found it sorta sad that I had to push a screaming human out of my hoo-ha to get that kind of time together.

My mom came down this past weekend, and it was so refreshing and lovely to have her around.  I’m very taken aback by how much I want my mom here.  I really want to show off my little nugget, but I’m really, really wanting my mom’s company too.  Baby’s do weird things to people.  I never thought I’d be wanting my mom like this.

DH’s mom was here the first weekend, and the visit turned into a disaster.  It’s way, way too complicated to go into right now.  The short version is she monumentally overstepped some boundaries.  I’m very angry about it still.  It’s going to be one of those things that takes me a very long time to come to terms with, which makes me even madder because it will forever be linked to my first memories with my lil boy.  Ugh.  The whole situation pisses me off.

I’d like to save my first thoughts and feelings about birthing and motherhood for a separate post.  They deserve their own space and time to breathe, but I wanted to let everyone know that we’re hanging in there.

Random Episode #111

What has everyone been up to?  It seems like we’ve all been too exhausted to blog much lately.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m blaming mine on this huge belly I’ve been lugging around.  I’m down to about 7 weeks left, which is great because my belly is outgrowing my maternity work shirts at an astonishing rate.  Other baby planning is going well.  I’ve picked up lots of stuff at local thrift stores.  There are so many great finds there with tags still on them.  We’re missing a crib and a car seat/stroller, so that’s kinda important.  I’m going to try and hit some stationary stores in town looking for fantastic paper for birth announcements this Saturday.  I’ve been on meds now for a few weeks, and I’m feeling alright.  I’m almost even getting excited.  I’m hoping to keep up the momentum so my nerves don’t get the better of me as the day creeps closer.

DH is out training, so I’ve been lounging around home getting lonely.

I got some of my veggies started for the spring.  I have cucumbers for pickling, green beans, and potatoes started.  I want to get a tomato plant, a pepper plant, and strawberries maybe this weekend.  It’s going to be fantastic!!  There’s a tater tub thing at Walmart that I’m trying this season.  It comes with everything for like $12ish and grows fingerling size potatoes all in this black bucket with a lift out insert to check on the potatoes as they grow.  I’m super excited to see if it works out.  Oh, and I’m sure I’ll pick up some flowers sometime too, but I want to maximize my veggie growing season before it gets too hot down here.

I’ve been reading a ton of great books, but I want to give those their own space.  So…just wait longer.

My parents came and visited about two weeks ago or so just for the weekend.  We had a great time, although we didn’t really do much.  We went and saw Riverdance, and I was a bit bummed because I’ve seen it once before and this time it seemed like a slimmed down version.  It wasn’t a grand feeling like it was last time I saw it.  Anyway, we did a lot of non-baby things and some baby things, so it was a nice mix.  Short but sweet.

Ugh, taxes are here again.  My W-2s got all screwed up, so I’ve been waiting on those to get corrected before I can start.  And for some reason two of my interest bearing accounts didn’t send me 1099-INT forms this year.  Seriously??  Is the universe trying to stress me to the max right before this baby gets here?  I hate tax season…

So that’s what I’ve been up to.  With DH out on a suck-fest right now, maybe I’ll get reacquainted with the blog world.

Baby 4.5

So much to catch up on and so little time!  I’m going to make an effort to get some stuff down here soon.  I’ll limit this to a mostly beebs update.

Beebs is doing good. … So yeah, not much to report really.  I’m growing like nobody’s business.  I’m full maternity clothes and the whole shebang.  I’ve started feeling him wiggle around here within the last two weeks.  We have an ultrasound coming up, and I’m really excited to see how much bigger he’s gotten.

As it looks now, it doesn’t look promising that DH will be in town for the birth, and I’m totally devastated.  I know it’s not for sure, but I’m completely broken up by the thought that he might miss it.  It’s a memory and feeling that cannot be recreated, and I think it’s absolutely unfair that it could get taken from us.  I feel so angry at the Army.  I know and accept that birthdays and holidays will be missed, but I cannot be ok with getting robbed of this to.  I cannot fathom how I will be able to do this with anyone but him even though I think everyone we know has volunteered.  It’s just not the same.  As always, we’ll wait and see.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit us for the first time here at this house, so we’ve been cleaning and prepping for that.  I hoped to get curtains made for the guest room by then, but really, after two years curtains are a bit superfluous don’t ya think?  I want to maybe try my hand at a process post with those, so it all works out.

I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend.  If you’re lucky enough to be with people you love, enjoy the memories.  If you’re unlucky enough to be stuck with family, well, I feel for ya.  My sister-in-law is having a small case of baby fever, and I’m afraid for my bulging gut.  Good luck out there.

July Potpourri

Work is insane right now. Our little library is helping about 13,000 people each month, and we’ve been growing by 2,000 patrons every month this year. That’s a lot of people, and every single one of them come and talks to me at some point. I am just starting to train a new employee to help me out at the front desk, but I don’t know how long she’s going to stay. My spidey sense says going to move on in the near future.

I’m going to vacation soon though! I have to remember to pack my camera… It’s going to be fabulous. I’m going to vacation for the hubs’ block leave. It’s going to be just the two of us. J I’m coming back and leaving again almost immediately to go back home for two family weddings. That is also going to be fabulous, and I’m so excited to see everyone. That reminds me I need to look for wedding gifts… I’m hoping to come back rejuvenated and ready to tackle work again.

I’ve been fighting a migraine all week and it is so not fun.

The Mrs. over at Trying Our Best is having a giveaway from her Etsy shop. I’m a huge supporter of giveaways and Etsy, so check her out if you’ve got time.

My Home My Style magazine is fantastic! We get it at work, and I’m addicted to the quick, easy decorating ideas. I’ve been cruising the second hand stores for a chest of drawers because I want to do this painting/map idea that was in May’s issue. Since summer is moving season I’m hoping I’ll get lucky. And I’m absolutely dying to re-tile someone’s kitchen back splash with those sparkly glass tiles you see everywhere now. My mother is still refusing to cooperate, but I’m going to wear her down.

I’m headed to my new therapist tomorrow afternoon for my first appointment. I’m really, really excited for this one to work out. It’s probably the only time I’ve been excited for a Monday to get here.

Hot And Colds

The in-laws just left this morning, and the hubs and I are glued to the couch sick.  It’s been a busy week.

There’s been no air conditioning at work for over a week and a half, and the summer reading program for kids just started.  It’s like a race between me and three hundred kids to see who can get the crankiest the fastest.

I’ve been wrestling with TriCare on getting a referral for a therapist.  As always, the referral process is cumbersome and slow, but you know, I will be going to a person eventually.  A friend of mine pays out of pocket for her therapist, and I hate hearing her struggle with her mental health versus the cost of care.  It shouldn’t be a factor, and it makes me so thankful for my frustrating, stupid TriCare referral system.  I originally wanted to talk more about that now, but this cold is taking over.

DH surprised me by coming home a couple days early, which was lovely and unexpected.  I don’t know about you, but after a long absence when the phone calls start to drop off, I sometimes daydream that he can’t answer his phone because he’s on a plane coming to see me.  Now that he’s actually delivered once, my daydreams are going to go wild.  Speaking of absences, we got notice for the next deployment.  Boo.

Now back to my kleenex box.  At least there’s AC at home.

Oscar Worthy

My brother, Super Rad, just graduated from film school.  I am so crazy proud of him.  I flew up to his place for a few days to see his movie premier and hang out.  I haven’t seen him in about a year, and he’s gotten out the Army, moved, and gone back to school since then.

He is super freaking talented!!  His passion is writing screenplays, but in the final movies he wrote a few, directed at least one, acted in two, edited several, and sang for another.  That’s just crazy.  He’s always been into music, and I knew he was decent at it, but he is so stinkin’ creative and artistic.  He’s an incredibly funny guy, but the movies he wrote and acted in were dark.  One was about torture and the other about getting his brother killed in a deal gone bad.  I couldn’t watch part of the torture movie it was so well done.  So scary!

I got to see his apartment and hang out a few days.  I met his friends who all seem like cool people.  It was such a short trip, but I’m so glad I went.  I’m still smiling about it a few days later.  I have a feeling I’m going to need to buy a bookcase soon to have some place to put all his movies.  He’s already working on movie sets.  I so better be thanked in his Oscar speeches!

A Night Out

Thompson Square came and did a free concert on post last night, so DH and I went to catch some fresh air and get away from the tv for a while.  They weren’t bad.  It was a nice concert, they sounded good, and the weather was great.

Looking around the sea of lawn chairs last night I noticed how many men were there.  They were out with their families, holding babies, and passing cold drinks.  It made me smile.  The image of so many guys, tattooed and scarred, rocking tiny babies was heart warming.  It is post deployment after all.  There were plenty of round-bellied wives next to them too. 🙂 The cycle continues.

It is obvious the guys are home, and I love it.  We don’t the get picture often enough.

Don’t I Deserve A Good Christmas Gift This Year?

Oh, the things I would do to Bruno Mars.  That man is all sorts of caramelly Latino goodness.  Maybe it’s the lyrics talking or maybe I just have a thing for delicious South of the Border men.

Perhaps that was odd, but I feel better having said it.

I didn’t want to sit down here and complain yet again.  My moods have been like a ping pong ball lately, and tonight is definitely not a good moment.  Bruno was my attempt at trying to turn that around. Grenade and Just the Way You put me in tears lately, but it’s worth it.

The visit with the family went alright.  I truly admire people who like their family, even after spending extended time with them.  I think people who live near their family should be given some sort of a medal.  I cannot be myself with my family, and that just doesn’t fly with me anymore.  My parents especially have never been on the same page as me.  We don’t think the same.  We don’t share similar opinions.  Nothing of substance can be discussed between us.  After about three days, I’ve had about all I can take.  That being said, I do (sometimes) start to miss them and want those few laughs.  Sometime I’ll try and sort through my mother and I’s tug of war with my mental illness (or any mental illness for that matter), but I can’t tackle that now.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but I went for my birthday too.  I like spending my birthday quietly.  Its rather uneventful, but I don’t like a huge fuss….  There was a huge fuss.

Throw in the whole non-baby thing going on right now, and it was a tough trip.  We were planning and maybe even starting to look forward to telling our family while we were there.  Not having news to share anymore made for a ginormous elephant on the vacation with us except only DH and I could see it.  I was ready to come home.

Really, we’re doing outstanding with the non-baby.  At isolated moments I’ll burst into tears or furiously hate someone, but they are very few and far in between (really).  I do my 20 minutes of crying, and then I’m good.  We’re getting sad not that there’s a non-baby we’re missing but for things like missing the smile it was going to give our parents.  It’s a very weird experience.  I think I cry more at songs on the radio because they remind me how incredibly caring and supportive DH has been than I do at putting baby clothes away because we’re not going to need them.

DH and I were talking the other day, and we’re attributing most of this emotional mess to still decompressing from the deployment.  I never cried and threw a tantrum and really grieved for the shittiness of that time.  If I broke down, there was no one here to clean up the mess.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m an emotional person.  Some people experience the world and remember events based on smell or music or food.  I have a strong emotional reaction to everything around me, and it leaves an imprint that I will forever associate with that thing or occurrence.  I didn’t let myself do that while he was gone, but all those emotional markers are still there.  I’ve got to do all my crying and laughing that I’ve stored up.  It’s bubbling to the surface at the same time the non-baby bubbles are, which is making for an unpredictable cocktail of emotion.  (Ha!  I totally just envisioned Ron Burgundy in the phone booth right now!)

That being said, I’m going really good.  I’m having my moments, but aren’t the holidays rough for everyone?  I’m determined to get back to my bloggity life and my bloggity friends.  I miss being here.  I miss putting my thoughts in order.  I promise the new year will bring something other than spandex and depressing I-hate-everything-right-now musings.

But please, seriously, if anyone knows Santa and wants to put in a good word for me, I’d really, really like a life-size/real Bruno Mars doll this year for Christmas.

Reward For A Sweaty Weekend

Mom and Super Rad will be leaving tomorrow morning, but they were lucky enough to witness a miracle before they left.  The maintenance men came today and replaced half my air conditioner with a new parts!  It looks so shiny and new AND properly installed.

Do you realize what this means?!

Not only is the lake in my basement shrinking and (I don’t want to jinx it) might actually disappear completely, but my house is also cold.  Not cool.  Not slightly less hot than outside.  It’s cold.  I’m in shock.

From reading all my bloggity friends’ issues with post maintenance departments, I was prepared for the worst.  I was going to start a calling campaign to finally get my air conditioner fixed,  but I’ve totally got to hand it to these guys.  They were prompt and fixed it.  Maybe I just got lucky.  But I know exactly how lucky am and am so incredibly grateful.

I suppose cold air is an appropriate thank you for all the hard work my family’s been doing for me.  My curtains are hung (oh my gosh, they look fabulous!), my shed is moved around to the back of my house, an extra light is hung in the basement and all my lights down there have new pulls on them, the tree in my front yard got landscaping around its base, DH got patches that he was wanting, and a wood shelf was dismantled and discarded.  All that and we went to the movies (Prince of Persia was entertaining with plenty of eye candy), went hiking, and went to the gym.  It’s been a great few days.  I’ve enjoyed the company even if it did make me miss my honey a little bit more.

But we’re one month closer, People.  These little distractions are working and the time is steadily going by.  We’ve crossed the halfway point, so it’s all downhill from here.

This Is Going To Hurt Way Worse Than I Thought

It’s odd how more people can make me feel more lonely.  My mom and Super Rad are here to visit, and it feels weird to have people in the house with me.  I realized I wasn’t missing people nearly as much as I thought I was.  It was nice to see everybody, but then go back to your own home.  Don’t stay in mine!

I’m afraid that I’m enjoying geographical bachelorettedome a bit too much.  I got all ready for bed, turned out the light, but the hall light was still on and the bathroom fan was running—not from me.  Can’t they just get on my schedule?  I have created my routines and I like them.  Other people here do nothing but mess it up.  Suddenly I have to think about what to cook way in advance.  I have to share my space.  I realized I really like not doing all those things.  It’s the first time EVER that I’ve been able to get up and just go without thinking of anyone but myself.  It’s nice, and it’s still new.  I worry that this is a taste of how it’s going to feel to give it up when DH is home.

It’s certainly a taste at reintegration.  Suddenly I have to share the bathroom again.  There’s noise of people moving around and just breathing in my home.  It’s so loud!  I’ve gotten used to my minimalist bathroom counter.  These people bring so much stuff with them and they take so long using it!

But all these noises aren’t coming from DH.  People and all their stuff and all the changes to my routine aren’t equalling my honey back.  It’s wierd.  It makes me miss him so much more.  When I’m here by myself I can ignore those parts, but when I can hear someone else roll over in their bed or brush their teeth it’s like a slap in the face.  I think I want DH and his baggage (both figurative and literal) back.  I think I want to rearrange my life to accommodate him again.  This visit is definitely leaving me with the knowledge that a hole wasn’t left for him when he left.  As much as I have missed him, I had to moved on and create a home here.  I’m starting to worry about how painful it’s going to be to carve out a space for him when he gets home.

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