Baby 4.5

So much to catch up on and so little time!  I’m going to make an effort to get some stuff down here soon.  I’ll limit this to a mostly beebs update.

Beebs is doing good. … So yeah, not much to report really.  I’m growing like nobody’s business.  I’m full maternity clothes and the whole shebang.  I’ve started feeling him wiggle around here within the last two weeks.  We have an ultrasound coming up, and I’m really excited to see how much bigger he’s gotten.

As it looks now, it doesn’t look promising that DH will be in town for the birth, and I’m totally devastated.  I know it’s not for sure, but I’m completely broken up by the thought that he might miss it.  It’s a memory and feeling that cannot be recreated, and I think it’s absolutely unfair that it could get taken from us.  I feel so angry at the Army.  I know and accept that birthdays and holidays will be missed, but I cannot be ok with getting robbed of this to.  I cannot fathom how I will be able to do this with anyone but him even though I think everyone we know has volunteered.  It’s just not the same.  As always, we’ll wait and see.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit us for the first time here at this house, so we’ve been cleaning and prepping for that.  I hoped to get curtains made for the guest room by then, but really, after two years curtains are a bit superfluous don’t ya think?  I want to maybe try my hand at a process post with those, so it all works out.

I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend.  If you’re lucky enough to be with people you love, enjoy the memories.  If you’re unlucky enough to be stuck with family, well, I feel for ya.  My sister-in-law is having a small case of baby fever, and I’m afraid for my bulging gut.  Good luck out there.

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Searching For Direction

This is something that’s been bouncing around for awhile, and I know it seems a big disjointed.  It feels connected to me, so I’m going to do my best at bringing it all together.

I feel like I’m in a period of transition in my life.  I can’t quite tell if I’m wanting change rather than actually experiencing it or maybe it’s mental change.  I don’t know, but it seems like ever since DH got home something has shifted.  There was the obvious baby event, and even though it didn’t work out, it made me rethink things.  It seems like it started something that didn’t exactly follow through.  Even though it freaked me out to the millionth power at the time, I think we must have been more ready for it than we thought.  I’ve been majorly unsuccessful with shutting off mommy brain, which I felt important to do before we brought up the subject again.  I didn’t want to do something just because I was sad about how it all turned out.  Maybe you can’t ever turn it off, but I don’t want to sort out what my future looks like around something that doesn’t exist.

Besides that, we’re established here.  For the first time we’re not moving or waiting to move or existing in some temporary limbo.  It feels wonderful but new.  We’re in a place where we can make some kind of plans (as much as the Army allows for that), and I don’t even know what I want do to.  I want to travel and see the region.  I want to decorate and buy furniture.  I want to make friends and have bbq’s in the backyard.  I’m not sure how to get to that place though.

Part of the big hurdle is finding any sort of time to do that.  My work schedule is unpredictable at best.  I’m working a lot of weekends right now, which obviously limits how and when DH and I can get out and about.  I’m so very ready for a career rather than a job…  But that’s nothing I haven’t already said over and over again.

I don’t exactly know what I’m looking for.  I feel like something’s different.  I’ve always self-labeled myself as a planner and oganizer, so this feeling is causing me a lot of anxiety.  I feel like my plans are getting thrown out and either the possiblity of the unknown or the lack of direction is causing me to fret.  Sometimes I really miss therapy and it helped me sort stuff like this out.

Talk About A Case Of The Mondays…

I’m one gall bladder lighter today.  So far so good.  The pain is tolerable off pain medication, so I’m trying it all natural at this point.  I’m looking forward to a week on the couch watching movies, reading, cross stitching, and maybe even some time for blogging.  Thank you wireless internet.

I’m glad I got my garden and yard work done this past weekend because heavy lifting is definitely going to be off my schedule for awhile.  Keep your fingers crossed that living GB-free ends up being more of a solution than a problem.

Hospital Saga Part Deux

Last time we visited the hospital saga, I was seeing a surgeon who was ordering tests and medication for a different problem.  Those test results came back completely fine and the medicine was horrible.  Shocker…I know.  She referred me a specialist at the military hospital who was new and hadn’t been around when I first started this whole ordeal.  I met with him right about the time DH was getting home last fall.  He had another, new diagnosis and ordered more tests.

I didn’t make those test because I went all preggo.  I figured that this whole hospital saga was just going to fade away because I certainly wasn’t going to go back to my PCM to get another referral just to see the guy again and tell him to reorder the tests when I didn’t believe in the tests to start with.  Turns out he’s not even around anymore, so I’m glad I didn’t pursue it then.

Fast forward to February.  I get a phone call to remind me of my six month follow up to my original specialist.  I had totally forgotten.  I almost canceled, but then I figured what the hey.  It’s hard enough to get appointments through this system, so I went.  I saw my doc’s PA.  I told her nothing had changed and gave her a quick sum up of the run around I’d gone through at the military hospital.  We chatted and then she said she was going to confer with my doc.

He’s back by the way, and looking as dashing as ever.  Anyhoo…the PA brought him in and we talked for awhile about how some doctors only look at numbers and see that I’m supposed to be fine while others like him see that even though the numbers say one thing, something’s not right.  Then he said he knew a guy that saw things the same way he did and whipped out his phone.  The conversation sounded something like “Hey Mike, I got a lady here who needs surgery.  Yeah?  Alright, I’ll let her know.  Wanna do lunch?”  (Seriously, this guy was making lunch plans during my appointment!)  He got off the phone and said he’ll see me in two days.  My jaw dropped to the floor.

So, skipping ahead, I’m scheduled to surgery in less than 30 days.  I don’t even know how I lost control of this whole process, but I clearly did.  I’m happy because I didn’t think we’d ever get to this point.  Finally I might see some relief.  But therein lies the problem.  Might.  This whole thing might not take away any of my pain.  Either way, I’m looking as some very big, rain-on-my-parade side effects from this surgery for the rest of my life.  I’m very worried that I’m going into something life changing at a very young age and am only shifting problem to something new.  What’s the point then?  Everyone seems to agree that at least it’s worth a shot.  I tend to go with that too, but it’s still huge.  Overweight hippo sitting on my chest huge and the clock is quickly ticking down.

Secrets

I must confess I sent a secret in to the PostSecret project.  I’m panicking because when I checked the blog this morning, it’s up for the whole world to see.

I’m not sure I’m ready for this.  I’ve never announced something to the whole world before I’ve even told my husband.  For some reason, I’m more nervous to tell him about it now that’s it’s up on the internet than I was when it was private.

I hope people are kind.

And Then There Were Two

My last baby appointment did not go well, and we got the bad news that we had a miscarriage.

It’s sad but we’re doing alright.  Now just wasn’t our time to have a peanut, and we’re ok with that.

I hope everyone’s holidays were wonderful.  DH and I had all the fixin’s but have otherwise spent a quiet weekend at home watching movies and resting by ourselves.  Large quantities of apple pie don’t really fix anything, but I’m trying.

A Plan For the Home Stretch

Today I started a new project.  I’m calling it the “Sick of Being Sick and Going to do Something About it–Oh, and Maybe Look Good For the Hubs” plan.

My health issues are primarily digestive system related.  It seems minor or at least non-vital but when you can’t digest food right you start messing with nutrition and growth and weight.  That all leads to way bigger issues with the other organs not to mention being active, sleeping, allergies…the list goes on.  If your body can’t get all it vitamins and minerals through eating, you’ve got a big problem.  I have a big problem.  I can regulate it the majority of time by staying away from my trigger foods, but sometimes it goes crazy all on its own  and there’s nothing I can do but wait it out.

I’ve been waiting for over a month.  A month of a non-working digestive system is not a good thing.  I’m tired to waiting, so I’m taking more aggressive measures.

I’m going to try and run 100 miles (161 km for you Wiley :)) before DH comes home.  Being active can help digestion along when the body can’t do it on its own.  It’s just difficult because without good food there’s not much fuel for the body to run on.  It’s a catch-22 in the worst way, but I hope that pushing through the first week or so will jump start my body enough that it will get easier.

To complement my excercise plan, I’m going to go veggie lover for awhile.  I don’t know if I want to do it completely until DH comes home, but I need to do it for a few weeks at least.  I’m like a 75% vegetarian anyway because a lot of the time it’s the only thing my body can work with.  I need to get back to the basics and love my fruits and veggies, let my system reset itself, and hopefully get back on a good path.  I got some good cookbooks from work today, so I’m headed to the store tomorrow after work (fun Friday night plans, I know) to stock up and get started.

I’m shooting for working hard until DH comes home and then re-evaluating.  It really has nothing to do with DH and everything to do with my health, but the homecoming is kind of an impending deadline that I can work toward.  And if I can get in better shape, it’s just icing on the cake.

3 miles down.

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