Dark Place

Some bummer news…  Over the past few weeks my mental outlook has continued to decline at an alarmingly fast rate.  I’ve been seeing my therapist (who is the absolute best) rather sporadically because of the hours of my new job, but at the last meeting she was really concerned.  I’m upping my meeting back to weekly, she called in a favor to a psychiatrist friend, and I have an appointment with my OB to discuss putting me on antidepressants.

Prenatal depression isn’t exactly uncommon, although obviously it gets less attention than postpartum depression, and I am at a much higher risk with my past history, but I’m still bummed.  I’ve never had to go on antidepressants before (although maybe I should have), and it feels like such a failure.  I’m worried about the side effects because I know these meds are serious drugs.  I’m worried about taking too long to figure out the med situation and being too late because I know it takes awhile to get the right combination/level of these drugs.  I’m worried about this being the right choice because I’ve been able to deal with this on my own in the past.

It just sucks!  Health-wise I’m doing so well.  My stomach issues are calm.  The baby couldn’t be growing more perfectly.  I’m just starting to hate the baby and this pregnancy for so many reasons.  I hate that it’s changing my relationship with DH.  I hate the pressure I feel having to shop for it.  I hate the intrusion I feel from my family because they’re excited for it.  I hate how my body’s changing to accommodate it.  I hate strangers asking personal questions about it.  I hate the uncomfortableness and the squirminess and the sleeplessness that it’s causing me.  I hate the public expectation to be overjoyed over it.  I hate everything right now.  I’m stressing over the birth, over shopping, over single-parenting while DH is gone…  It doesn’t end.

I’m bummed that I have to go through this healing process again, but I’m more worried that because of its different causes, this time is going to be harder and I’m not going to be able to be a good parent.  I already feel like it’s unfair for DH to live and deal with a mentally ill person regularly, but a kid isn’t going to understand.  I don’t want to burden him with it when he should be worry-free and ignorant of such problems.  And that’s how my thought process goes full circle and I start feeling like crap again.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Wiley
    Jan 25, 2012 @ 23:43:06

    Hang in there (trite, right?). I can’t say I know why you are going through at all, but you are not a failure for taking steps (like meds) to treat your illness. Your circumstances have changed and what may have worked for you before may no longer – for reasons known only to the body and/or to God. You can get through this and past this.

    Reply

  2. Ren Rubinstein @ PharmaMama.net
    Jan 27, 2012 @ 04:31:56

    I just stumbled upon your blog and I had to leave a comment. I want to say good for you for taking steps towards helping yourself. Prenatal depression is definitely not discussed nearly as much as it should. It would be really hard to get excited over a pregnancy and the impending birth of a child if you had a black cloud hanging over your head. Do not feel like a failure for helping yourself. It doesn’t matter when you decide to seek help, it only matters that you sought help and are looking after yourself and the little life you’re growing inside you.

    Reply

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