I just wanted to post a quick update.  I started medication on Monday after an appointment with my OB.  They seem really willing to help with prenatal depression, which was reassuring, but I’m going to wait and see until after my therapy appointment tomorrow whether or not she recommends that I still go to a psychiatrist.

I’m so out of my element with this medication thing.  Supposedly it should take awhile to feel the affects, and I might have to go through several dosage adjustments to find my level, so I can’t really tell if it’s working.  I feel relief though knowing that at least it will end.  I don’t have to worry about what if I can’t get a handle on this before the baby gets here or while DH is gone.  At least the decision is made, and I know I will eventually feel better regardless.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at.  Red and I have been talking when we can.  Having her already have navigated these waters is really reassuring.  She keeps reminding me that this is the right choice, and I’m being proactive instead of waiting for what we all know will turn into postpartum depression.  She had another baby boy in December, by the way.  He’s adorable, but he’s getting in the way of my phone calls.

I’ll keep you updated in how this whole medication thing goes, but I’m optimistic and that’s good.

Dark Place

Some bummer news…  Over the past few weeks my mental outlook has continued to decline at an alarmingly fast rate.  I’ve been seeing my therapist (who is the absolute best) rather sporadically because of the hours of my new job, but at the last meeting she was really concerned.  I’m upping my meeting back to weekly, she called in a favor to a psychiatrist friend, and I have an appointment with my OB to discuss putting me on antidepressants.

Prenatal depression isn’t exactly uncommon, although obviously it gets less attention than postpartum depression, and I am at a much higher risk with my past history, but I’m still bummed.  I’ve never had to go on antidepressants before (although maybe I should have), and it feels like such a failure.  I’m worried about the side effects because I know these meds are serious drugs.  I’m worried about taking too long to figure out the med situation and being too late because I know it takes awhile to get the right combination/level of these drugs.  I’m worried about this being the right choice because I’ve been able to deal with this on my own in the past.

It just sucks!  Health-wise I’m doing so well.  My stomach issues are calm.  The baby couldn’t be growing more perfectly.  I’m just starting to hate the baby and this pregnancy for so many reasons.  I hate that it’s changing my relationship with DH.  I hate the pressure I feel having to shop for it.  I hate the intrusion I feel from my family because they’re excited for it.  I hate how my body’s changing to accommodate it.  I hate strangers asking personal questions about it.  I hate the uncomfortableness and the squirminess and the sleeplessness that it’s causing me.  I hate the public expectation to be overjoyed over it.  I hate everything right now.  I’m stressing over the birth, over shopping, over single-parenting while DH is gone…  It doesn’t end.

I’m bummed that I have to go through this healing process again, but I’m more worried that because of its different causes, this time is going to be harder and I’m not going to be able to be a good parent.  I already feel like it’s unfair for DH to live and deal with a mentally ill person regularly, but a kid isn’t going to understand.  I don’t want to burden him with it when he should be worry-free and ignorant of such problems.  And that’s how my thought process goes full circle and I start feeling like crap again.

Love And Black Elephants During Wartime

Over the holidays I finished one of the new books from University of Nebraska Press.  Black Elephants by Karol Nielsen was a quick pleasure to read.  The book is Nielsen’s memoir of falling in love and the evolution of her relationship with an Israeli man during the first Gulf War.

I was drawn to the book because it was a different kind of war story.  I’m used to reading war history, but I live war in a certain way.  I wanted to read something that described the “invisible casualties” like I feel and deal with when I live war.

I love how Nielsen describes in the book how much war does affect people without them realizing it.  She lived in Israel during the Gulf War, but the mental ramifications of the conflict haunt her relationship forever.  People cannot be left untouched by war regardless of their role in it, and the full extent to which they are changed comes out slowly.  It’s a cautionary tale as much as it is a personal memoir.

I really identify with Nielsen and her struggles even though I haven’t lived war or attempted to assimilate into a different culture like she did.  She wrestles with how much of herself to let go into this new relationship, especially when the war is changing what exactly that is to begin with.  She wrestles with loving and living with a person who is equally traumatized by war.  She wrestles with wanting something badly but knowing that something is wrong at the same time.  She describes a very human experience that I think most can relate to even if war has never touched their lives.  She really wants to save someone, but that someone ends up being herself.

The book is a very quick read because Nielsen’s writing is effortless.  Much as I’m sure she does, readers are left wishing for a different outcome at the end but knowing that it could not have been different.  As lonely as Nielsen made the war and surviving it seem, the less alone it made me feel for butting heads with the effects of war in my own home.

Baby Almost 6

Hola Bloggity Peeps!

I don’t quite know why that greeting was needed, but it felt right.

I figured I should try and do a beebs update since it’s been awhile.  It’s not that I’m lazy with posting, (although I sorta am) it’s that there’s nothing interesting to report.  It’s still in there.  It’s moving like crazy, although it can tell when it’s DH’s hand and he goes into stealth mode.  My underwear ceased to fit weeks ago.  So far we’re both healthy and complication-free.  It’s the most uninteresting pregnancy ever.  No weird cravings or anything.  It’s down-right boring.

We had our big ultrasound about a month ago.  He looked like the cutest little thing ever!  DH found out the gender, but he’s sworn to secrecy.  We have names mostly nailed down, and I’ve been walking around saying “he,” but it’s mostly because saying “it” is weird.

The good news is I literally just got back from the chiropractor!  On a whim I decided to go with DH to his adjustment this afternoon, and the pediatric chiro was working.  Ahhhh!!!!  It’s like angels came out and a little golden light when on over his head.  Plus, it’s a military only chiro, so the prices are totally affordable.  Military insurance does not cover chiropractic care, and this place opened up a few months ago right off post especially for military families.  Treatments are less than $20!  That’s huge when typical chiro prices for established customers tend to be $50-$75.  My hips and low back are smiling right now.  I can’t wait for lil beebs to get here because I will be taking him.  I totally plan on being a regular customer for these last few months too.  I will single-handedly keep this place in business.

Besides that, my main issue is me.  The baby’s fine.  My back is now fine.  Mentally, I’m dragging my feet on adjusting.  We haven’t bought a single thing for this beebs yet.  I just can’t seem to do it.  It feels weird even though I’d obviously be waddling up to the check out at this point.  I’m finding so much anxiety about buying the wrong thing.  How can I know what he’s going to like or want when I haven’t met him yet?  Things are so expensive for babies!  I am paranoid about investing in baby items that I don’t need.  And there’s so much of it, and one thing leads to something else.  It’s amazing how stores and books and commercials make it seem like you will not survive if you don’t have product x, but as a potential parents, you are so freaked that you will believe anything.  So you’re convinced you must have product x, and then there’s only 15,000 choices of product x, but choose carefully because the wrong one might have BPA or some fatal recall that will doom your kid to pigeon toes and bad gas mileage forever!!  It’s amazing how quickly I can be reduced to tears in the rubber-coated spoon aisle of a BabysRUs.

My solution has been teensy baby steps to the point that I’m pretty much ignoring that my house is void of impending babydom evidence.  I have been staying away from reading about pregnancy because I don’t want to stress, and those books are designed to do nothing but send you into a panic about just about everything.  I did find a pretty great book with a worksheet for buying for babies at the library, so I’ve modified that.  I have made list of the absolute bare essentials and things that I’m 100% sure I want for comfort, their estimated cost, and suggested quantity.  That in itself is a big step forward.  I’ve started looking online to compare big ticket items like strollers and cribs too.  Now I have to actually put the plan into action.  Thank goodness I have three months to procrastinate, and my mom is visiting next month.