Searching For Direction

This is something that’s been bouncing around for awhile, and I know it seems a big disjointed.  It feels connected to me, so I’m going to do my best at bringing it all together.

I feel like I’m in a period of transition in my life.  I can’t quite tell if I’m wanting change rather than actually experiencing it or maybe it’s mental change.  I don’t know, but it seems like ever since DH got home something has shifted.  There was the obvious baby event, and even though it didn’t work out, it made me rethink things.  It seems like it started something that didn’t exactly follow through.  Even though it freaked me out to the millionth power at the time, I think we must have been more ready for it than we thought.  I’ve been majorly unsuccessful with shutting off mommy brain, which I felt important to do before we brought up the subject again.  I didn’t want to do something just because I was sad about how it all turned out.  Maybe you can’t ever turn it off, but I don’t want to sort out what my future looks like around something that doesn’t exist.

Besides that, we’re established here.  For the first time we’re not moving or waiting to move or existing in some temporary limbo.  It feels wonderful but new.  We’re in a place where we can make some kind of plans (as much as the Army allows for that), and I don’t even know what I want do to.  I want to travel and see the region.  I want to decorate and buy furniture.  I want to make friends and have bbq’s in the backyard.  I’m not sure how to get to that place though.

Part of the big hurdle is finding any sort of time to do that.  My work schedule is unpredictable at best.  I’m working a lot of weekends right now, which obviously limits how and when DH and I can get out and about.  I’m so very ready for a career rather than a job…  But that’s nothing I haven’t already said over and over again.

I don’t exactly know what I’m looking for.  I feel like something’s different.  I’ve always self-labeled myself as a planner and oganizer, so this feeling is causing me a lot of anxiety.  I feel like my plans are getting thrown out and either the possiblity of the unknown or the lack of direction is causing me to fret.  Sometimes I really miss therapy and it helped me sort stuff like this out.

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