One Of Those Days

I walked into work this morning and found my coworker’s notes confirming her pregnancy.

Oofta.  It’s like I got the wind knocked out of me.

I don’t know where these things come from.  I really believe I’m ok with this whole hot mess.  It will always be a craptastic ball of suck, but we’ve moved on and are good.  We’re thinking of the future and can smile about where we’ve been.  It’s good, really and truly.

But then I got this news this morning, and the tears came so fast.  I hate it.  I hate having been there and read the books and done the appointments and felt tired and sick and crazy and hungry, but I feel like I can’t participate in this with her.  What do I have to show for it?  I. Am. Not. Pregnant.  My mind struggles to let go of “mommy mode,” and talking about this stuff with her or shopping for baby gear with a neighbor or going to a baby shower feels like indulging in a state that I want to be gone.

Way back when I first started this job, I had to deal with deceased soldiers out processing the library right after DH left.  The experience smacked me around a bit and left me bruised.  I just didn’t fully think about what deployment meant for me.  Today felt a lot like that.  I wasn’t expecting to have my heart stop like that.  I wasn’t expecting to take a back seat to an experience that my mind is still gearing up for.


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