I Blame The Clock

I’m usually running about three minutes late for work, which wouldn’t be such a big deal except I live like two and a half minutes away from work.  So when I saw the frost on the car windows this morning, my heart sank.  I put the defroster on high and sat for a second.  Then I saw several of my neighbors in their cars doing the same thing.  I couldn’t sit and watch the clock tick over to 8 without even trying.  I dug around until I found a credit card and scraped like the wind.  I was on my way to work in no time and feeling superior to these wimpy Southerners who didn’t know what to do with frost on their windows.

Then I got stuck waiting for what seemed like every last basic trainee to disembark a bus and cross the street.  I could see my work building from where I was waiting.  I also could see the clock tick over 8:10.  My forehead hit steering wheel right about then.

Guess I’ll try to make it on time again tomorrow.

All For The Benjamins

As I’m sure everyone’s aware, it’s tax season.  I always look forward to this season a little bit because I love getting a big check  in the mail.  I know it’s money I’ve already earned, but how often do you open the mail and see that much money at once?  I know it won’t last forever.  Hopefully someday I’ll be making so much money that my tax bill will be crazy high and I won’t even miss it all, but right now I’m enjoying the silver lining of being broke to the fullest.

But at the same time, I hate tax season.  I hate collecting all the scraps of paper that I need.  I hate keeping all the different bank forms in order.  I do my own taxes with TurboTax too, so that doesn’t help matters.  Don’t get me wrong, TurboTax is very easy software to use (although last year’s updates stunk :().  Even if you aren’t a math genius, you can do your taxes this way, and it’s way, way cheaper than taking it to someone.  I just get this horrible worry that I screwed up somehow, and the IRS will come pounding on my door for not paying the right amount, and I won’t have enough in my savings to cover it.  Yeah, I know.  Exaggerate much?  I just can’t help it.  There’s so much pressure!

On top of it all, I had the bright idea to set up DH’s retirement accounts right now since he had so much non-taxable income while he was deployed.  I’ve got IRAs, 401Ks, maximum contributions, income caps…you name it…floating around my head.  Because that’s what I need while I’m trying to itemize all my charitable contributions (I’m looking at you Walk for Diabetes!).

I totally brought this on myself, but thank goodness this is only once a year.

Golden Globes Win!

Can I say how incredibly happy I am for Chris Colfer and Jane Lynch?!  I am a HUGE Glee fan, and Kurt and Sue are both great characters, and their portrayal is more than worthy of the award.  As a picked on, nerdy kid growing up, I am so grateful for Chris’ acceptance speech in particular.  Thanks for speaking for us all.  Its not easy to play such a controversial character, own all its meaning, and be willing to be the spokesperson for the tough issues, and I hope he knows how much us Gleeks appreciate it.

Update

I indulged in a little emotional baking and chocolate chip therapy last night.  My uterus is temporarily distracted, but I don’t think my jeans can take many more surprise attacks like yesterday.

One Of Those Days

I walked into work this morning and found my coworker’s notes confirming her pregnancy.

Oofta.  It’s like I got the wind knocked out of me.

I don’t know where these things come from.  I really believe I’m ok with this whole hot mess.  It will always be a craptastic ball of suck, but we’ve moved on and are good.  We’re thinking of the future and can smile about where we’ve been.  It’s good, really and truly.

But then I got this news this morning, and the tears came so fast.  I hate it.  I hate having been there and read the books and done the appointments and felt tired and sick and crazy and hungry, but I feel like I can’t participate in this with her.  What do I have to show for it?  I. Am. Not. Pregnant.  My mind struggles to let go of “mommy mode,” and talking about this stuff with her or shopping for baby gear with a neighbor or going to a baby shower feels like indulging in a state that I want to be gone.

Way back when I first started this job, I had to deal with deceased soldiers out processing the library right after DH left.  The experience smacked me around a bit and left me bruised.  I just didn’t fully think about what deployment meant for me.  Today felt a lot like that.  I wasn’t expecting to have my heart stop like that.  I wasn’t expecting to take a back seat to an experience that my mind is still gearing up for.

Filling In My Calendar

I was going to sit down and say something about New Year’s resolutions, but I don’t really want to resolve to do anything exactly. Instead I’d like to sort out what I want my year to look like.

This time of year is always my favorite because it’s PLANNER BUYING SEASON! I’m always so excited to get a new calendar and organizer (this year I found a slim, hardbound fauna motif one that I’m loving!), but I’m finding a lack of things to fill it with just yet.

This year is going to be my year “on” with my hubs. We’ve been joking that we’re a year on when he’s here and a year off when he’s gone sort of couple. I’m really excited about it, which is only slightly disconcerting. I don’t even feel like it’s getting back to normal. It’s just my lucky year this year. Ha. It’s making me all flustered though. This is the first year in a long time that’s been up in the air. There’s been a year of finishing school after we got married. There was a year of training when he was gone. There’s been a year of deployment. Now I’ve got nothing but time. What the heck do I do with him?

Red and I have already started planning a vacation this year. We want to make it an annual thing at the very least. We don’t live near each other, so if we don’t make the effort, we’ll never spend time together. My mom wants to do a long weekend getaway sometime this year for just the two of us. I want to visit my brother either at college or somewhere in between. I’ve brought up maybe having a short trip with just DH and I. This year is obviously going to be a year of traveling.

I want to read more this year. I have so many books sitting around waiting to be opened.

I’m going to spend much more time at the gym this year. The last two weeks I’ve already started to get serious about it. I love going. I love how it makes me feel when I go regularly. And I’m still having mixed feelings about how my body changed while I was pregnant. Man, it happened fast. Some days I own it. Other days I loathe it. The gym is going to work on it no matter what.

I want to get back to my craft mess. DH got home and all my projects got shoved under the bed. I want to try and dedicate some time to them again. I enjoy my time with DH, but I need to carve out time for just me again. I can’t forget how to be alone.

I want to keep planting and canning this summer.

I really would love to find a different job. This job isn’t doing it for me anymore, and I’m coming home frustrated more days than not. I need to get serious about job hunting and find something more fulfilling.

I want to stay happy this year. I want to keep happiness a priority and stay fluid and adaptable to whatever it takes to ensure that. I want to work hard to stay social, which tends to fall lower on the list when DH is around. I want to be less emotional or maybe, more accurately, to feel less acutely. I don’t know how I’m going to do that last one, but I want to work on it.

It’s going to be good year.  🙂