Countdown

There’s not much time left, so I’ve been busy, scarce, preoccupied… This has to be the most difficult time of the whole deployment. I’ve been wanting to write, and have sat down several times to do so, but it’s so difficult to put this transition period into words.

Honestly, I feel hurt. I feel damaged and bruised. I did an awesome job here by myself. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I’m proud of myself. I wasn’t a snotty, babbling mess. I have a more social, fulfilling life now than I have ever had. I am happy. But at what cost? I struggled to learn how to ask for help. I had been rejected and let down so many times that I grew a very think shell. I finally got to a point where I believed that there are people out there who care and will help if I ask. Then DH leaves and I’m back to being self-reliant. True, it’s a bit different, but he could not and was not there emotionally for me. I don’t blame him even the tiniest bit, but the fact is, I had to re-grow some of that shell to get through these months. I don’t know how thick it got. I wonder how hard it is going to be to break that down again. I have such an absolute personality. It’s either/or with me. It’s everything or nothing. I either have a shell or I don’t. I wonder whether I know how to take out a pre-fab shell when I need it and when to put it away.

I completely underestimated how much this deployment was going to stress my marriage. I have a great marriage. We complement each other amazingly well. We have a ton of fun together. We trust each other 100%. We’ve done a lot of long distance in our relationship, so I guess I assumed it would just be another one. We’ve gotten good at being apart, as sad as that is. Deployments are way different though. Don’t ever underestimate their power to screw up every aspect of life all to heck. All I can compare it to is the biggest, nastiest fight you could ever have with your spouse. That feeling after the fight where you want to wrap yourself up in that person and heal your relationship, that hurt you feel when someone you loves hurts you, and those quiet healing moments you crave to fix the cracks that appeared while you were arguing—that’s that this feels like…only on crack. It hurts your heart in that unique way. The only problem is there was no fight. There isn’t a resolution with one person being wrong and saying they’re sorry. How do I heal from a fight that didn’t happen?

This makes me sound so unhappy when I’m really not. I’m so incredibly in love. I’m happy to the point of exploding because it can’t come out fast enough. I don’t hear people talk about the other feelings though. Those are the feelings that I’m not used to and don’t know what to do with. This is such a weird process. It’s the most emotionally intense thing I’ve ever done, and I really thought getting through suicide and self mutilation took a lot out of me.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Wiley
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 21:39:03

    I’m thinking of you!
    And don’t worry (ok, don’t worry too much) about the thick skin. You’ll be fine and you will learn to put it on and put it away when necessary. The thing is, we never realise what or how much we’re learning during the process of learning, it’s not until much later that we look back and go ‘holy hell, I did all that?!’
    I know you’ll enjoy the time when your man returns and you’ll get through that difficult reintegration phase too. And your marriage will be a bit worn around the edges but still strong. Have faith! 🙂

    Reply

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