Now Please

I. Am. Ready. To. Be. Done.

This is the week of redeployment briefings.  Company, brigade, and battallion…you name it, I’ve heard the same non-information at all levels.  The Army is nothing if not consistent in their lack of information.  I’ve never sat through so many meetings hearing nothing.  Hearing that we’re all excited to have our men home.  Hearing that it’s coming.  Hearing that we’ll be told when there’s something to tell.

All it does is amp you up and let you crash back down while you keep waiting.  It’s not close enough to clean or buy food or decorate.  It’s just close enough to be within reach and unbearable.

But I can’t bear to miss one just in case.  Hope is a painfully cruel mistress.

I was doing pretty good until these meetings started.  I could still ignore it was out there and function.  Until Monday… I had a panic attack just driving out to the meeting because it was in the hanger where he’ll be arriving at.  It felt so real I couldn’t take it.  I was just so incredibly excited and nervous.

I’ve been meeting some great women though.  We’re bonding so quickly and so strongly because we’re all starving for any shred of information.  It’s sad that we’re just doing this now.  I wish I’d met them months ago.  Once our men are back I probably won’t hear from them much.

I’m torn between inviting everyone I know for his homecoming and forbidding anyone from showing up.  I’m so proud of him.  I want everyone there to be proud of him too and cheer him home and celebrate his accomplishment.  But I want a moment just for us as well.  I’m so excited it’s painful.  I want help and support because I know it’s only going to get worse, but at the same time I want to do it all on my own until the very end.  It’s going to feel like it’s killing me, but this deployment monster is something that has to be done alone.  I could surround myself with people, and I’d still feel isolated.