Feelings Of Loss When I’ve Gained Everything

I truly, honestly believed the adjustments associated with reintegration would start once DH got home.  And I was very focused on him adjusting to regular life again.  I have been at home plodding along as usual.  What would I have to worry about besides scooting over to my half of the bed and squeezing another towel onto the rack in the bathroom?  Maybe that’s why I have been feeling so confused lately.

All I’ve been hearing lately is “Aren’t you getting excited?”  Honestly, not yet, and I’ve been feeling like a freak for it.  All my other mil spouses have understood every single feeling I’ve had about this deployment except this one.  So if these awesome women don’t get it, there’s got to be something wrong.

I’ve been extremely reluctant to talk to DH about it.  He absolutely cannot give me the time and undivided attention I know I need to talk about it.  I don’t want to burden him either.  I don’t want to bring up anything that takes the focus away from his job.

I made an appointment with my post’s military family life counselor the other day.  I just couldn’t shake this feeling that when DH gets home I’m going to lose every shred of independence I feel I’ve gained while he’s been gone.  I’ve been so afraid of saying something to him for fear that he’s going to look at it as me not wanting him home.  I also don’t know how to explain not wanting to go back to the status quo to someone who’s been dreaming of returning to that environment for months.

The counselor was nice.  I knew him from the library, so it was a casual meeting.  He suggested looking at how my new sense of independence would help our life together rather than how its going to screw it up.  It sounds easy, but sometimes I need someone else to remind me of that.

Can I say enough about how much I love military family life counselors?  They get the military, soldiers, mil spouses, deployments, and all that “wonderful” stuff associated with being apart of this lifestyle.  And they’re free.  TriCare covers therapy of all kinds, but sometimes you don’t want to go through the referral process for just a meeting or two.  On top of it, you might get a civilian therapist who, as talented as they are, can’t relate to military life.  My counselor, Tom, was so nice and he made me feel better.  I didn’t need a weekly meeting for the next six months.  I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy.  All posts should have MFL counselors, but Military One Source has tons of information about all sorts of things, but their counseling options are great too.  It can connect you with information or a local counselor, but especially if you’re a Guard family and might not be near an installation, the site has online and telephone counseling.

I’m shaken but still standing.  I will beat this deployment…with help.


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