I Will Never Repeat This Again

I think maybe this deployment might have been a good thing.  The best thing.

Millions of mil spouses around the world just dropped what they were doing, mouths hanging open, wishing they could smack some sense into me.

I know…that same part of me is screaming about how insane I am and will never understand what I’m about to say.

In some ways, I have never been happier than these past months.  Knowing that the buck stops with me, that if an emergency arises I am the only person capable of fixing it, has sort of helped my anxiety.  There is no other option to worry about.  I have to step up and take care of it.  And there’s a lot to take care of!  It’s kept me fairly busy, which limits my worry time.  Don’t get me wrong, I still worry and plan all the time but much less than before.  There’s only so much I can do.  I’ve accepted that, which helps a lot too.  I can let somethings go, and it feels like there’s no one around to plan or worry for…if that makes any sense.

I planned this deployment so far in advance, that I’ve kept myself very busy and focused on the next task.  I’m doing things I’ve never done before because I have myself focused on this goal of surviving aloneness.  I’d like to be able to do things like this in the future for me because I enjoy them and not necessarily for a deployment or for DH.  That’s a big distinction for me, but I’m ok with it being a goal and not achieved yet.

I don’t think I could have accomplished these things with DH here.  I needed a catalyst.  I miss him terribly.  I would choose his company over everything else in the whole world, which obviously shows.  I have not made as much progress as I could have because I loved our relationship.  I wanted to rely on him.  I wanted to do everything with him because I knew that our time was limited.  It might have felt great at the time, but it postponed and stunted me mentally.  This time apart has allowed me to grow while maintaining the relationship I treasure.  In that respect, I am incredibly lucky because not many people get that opportunity.

I feel truly happy for the first time in a long time.  Happy without a shadow in the background.  Happy without a worry that any minute the happiness would turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

I liken to a jar in the cupboard.  When I was deep in depression, the jar was the only option I had to choose.  I reached for it every time because it was the only thing there.  Then I started getting better and I had one depression jar and maybe two or three others.  I had to consciously avoid grabbing for that bad jar.  Sometimes I could and other times I couldn’t.  It was always there right in front, and I had to try hard to reach around it for something else.  Now that jar’s still there, but it’s way in the back.  I have a whole cupboard full of other stuff blocking it.  I have options, way better options, and I can safely reach into the cupboard without worrying about accidentally grabbing the bad jar.  Depending on the day it might gravitate more to the front, but I don’t feel like it’s going to take over.  It’s an awesome feeling to finally get to that point, but I also feel like I need to actively keep my cupboard full of good choices so that one jar doesn’t become the only option again.

Don’t misunderstand me though, it’s incredibly hard.  Being alone everyday is hard.  Managing a house, job, groceries, yard, dog, and work is hard.  Always thinking up ways to keep up DH’s moral (and my own) is hard.  If there was any other way to accomplish this, I would have done it in a heartbeat.  I fear a whole other kind of depression when the stress of being a family of one gets to be too much.  But I’m doing  it now.  I’m functioning, living, enjoying NOW.  That is freaking amazing, and I am so proud of myself. 

As always, I have a small reservation.  Can I only be this happy without DH around?  Does the nature of our relationship suck all the good jars out of my cupboard?  I don’t know the answer for sure.  I hope not.  I hope that I have used this time to learn how to do this on my own.  I hope that DH and I can adjust our relationship, like we’ve done before, to allow for my personal growth.  I know that he is proud of me.  I know that he has wanted this for me for a long, long time.  I just can’t help but feel that I don’t want this deployment to end.

…I will never say that again.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Wiley
    Jul 14, 2010 @ 05:06:57

    I think it’s awesome that you have locked on to the positives of deployment. I think a lot of us really enjoy the independence and responsibility it offers. And while it’s a reflection of who you are, it’s not a reflection on your relationship with DH. Deployments are like snowflakes… They’re all different and they’re all a mix of good and bad.
    I say keep enjoying it and growing!

    Oh, and I really feel your comment about how being apart has allowed you to grow while maintaining a relationship. Thanks for putting it into words for me.

    Reply

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