I wanted to write an upbeat post about this huge accomplishment.  Change of plans.

Earlier this week I called up some friends and asked them out for a day of picking fruit and canning jam.  Plans fell through at the last minute.  I feel more disappointed than I should.

This was in no way my fault.  Stuff comes up that’s way beyond my control.  I can’t help but feel like such a failure though.  I was so excited about it.  I wanted to show people what I know and hang out with friends.  It was all my idea, and I started feeling so stressed about the details.  My car’s still out of commission, so the loose ends I intended to tie up on Friday became big obstacles that I handled…for nothing.

I’ve been dealing with this big empty house by never giving myself a minute to think about it.  I don’t sit down in the quiet until I’m crawling into bed, exhausted, around midnight.  Now I’m stuck here with nothing to do and no car.  I feel bad enough, but I have no way to get out.  I feel so bad and realizing that I’m still getting these feelings after everything I’ve been doing and all the time I’ve spent working on it, makes me feel even worse.  I’m just so mad and disappointed in myself.

More than anything else I want to be able to do life on my own without feeling overwhelmed and needing to hurt myself to cope.  It’s the only thing that works, however temporarily.  I feel horrible for not being able to move past it.  It scares me and I want help, but there’s nothing else.  It just keeps coming back.  I want someone to hold my hands and tell me it’s going to be ok until the feelings are gone.

I’m so disgusted that after all these months, it’s jam that’s putting me in this position.  Jam!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Wiley
    Jun 07, 2010 @ 05:14:55

    Ah dude… I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. I don’t know what to say, but, you know, things ARE going to be alright. How do I know this? Because given a choice, Murphy comes to visit me over everyone else. So you are in the clear, girl 🙂
    But seriously, if you want to talk, I’m only an email away. I can’t promise useful advice, but I can promise I’ll read everything. And I won’t talk about jam since it is, clearly, evil.


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