This Is Going To Hurt Way Worse Than I Thought

It’s odd how more people can make me feel more lonely.  My mom and Super Rad are here to visit, and it feels weird to have people in the house with me.  I realized I wasn’t missing people nearly as much as I thought I was.  It was nice to see everybody, but then go back to your own home.  Don’t stay in mine!

I’m afraid that I’m enjoying geographical bachelorettedome a bit too much.  I got all ready for bed, turned out the light, but the hall light was still on and the bathroom fan was running—not from me.  Can’t they just get on my schedule?  I have created my routines and I like them.  Other people here do nothing but mess it up.  Suddenly I have to think about what to cook way in advance.  I have to share my space.  I realized I really like not doing all those things.  It’s the first time EVER that I’ve been able to get up and just go without thinking of anyone but myself.  It’s nice, and it’s still new.  I worry that this is a taste of how it’s going to feel to give it up when DH is home.

It’s certainly a taste at reintegration.  Suddenly I have to share the bathroom again.  There’s noise of people moving around and just breathing in my home.  It’s so loud!  I’ve gotten used to my minimalist bathroom counter.  These people bring so much stuff with them and they take so long using it!

But all these noises aren’t coming from DH.  People and all their stuff and all the changes to my routine aren’t equalling my honey back.  It’s wierd.  It makes me miss him so much more.  When I’m here by myself I can ignore those parts, but when I can hear someone else roll over in their bed or brush their teeth it’s like a slap in the face.  I think I want DH and his baggage (both figurative and literal) back.  I think I want to rearrange my life to accommodate him again.  This visit is definitely leaving me with the knowledge that a hole wasn’t left for him when he left.  As much as I have missed him, I had to moved on and create a home here.  I’m starting to worry about how painful it’s going to be to carve out a space for him when he gets home.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Wiley
    May 29, 2010 @ 02:48:56

    It’s strange how you adapt without even realising. I’ve always been very independent (selfish??) and every time I have a holiday with DM or go back home to my mum’s place I find myself getting frustrated because I have to morph around others.

    Still, I hope you have some fun with your family, even if they refuse to get on your schedule!


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