This Is Going To Hurt Way Worse Than I Thought

It’s odd how more people can make me feel more lonely.  My mom and Super Rad are here to visit, and it feels weird to have people in the house with me.  I realized I wasn’t missing people nearly as much as I thought I was.  It was nice to see everybody, but then go back to your own home.  Don’t stay in mine!

I’m afraid that I’m enjoying geographical bachelorettedome a bit too much.  I got all ready for bed, turned out the light, but the hall light was still on and the bathroom fan was running—not from me.  Can’t they just get on my schedule?  I have created my routines and I like them.  Other people here do nothing but mess it up.  Suddenly I have to think about what to cook way in advance.  I have to share my space.  I realized I really like not doing all those things.  It’s the first time EVER that I’ve been able to get up and just go without thinking of anyone but myself.  It’s nice, and it’s still new.  I worry that this is a taste of how it’s going to feel to give it up when DH is home.

It’s certainly a taste at reintegration.  Suddenly I have to share the bathroom again.  There’s noise of people moving around and just breathing in my home.  It’s so loud!  I’ve gotten used to my minimalist bathroom counter.  These people bring so much stuff with them and they take so long using it!

But all these noises aren’t coming from DH.  People and all their stuff and all the changes to my routine aren’t equalling my honey back.  It’s wierd.  It makes me miss him so much more.  When I’m here by myself I can ignore those parts, but when I can hear someone else roll over in their bed or brush their teeth it’s like a slap in the face.  I think I want DH and his baggage (both figurative and literal) back.  I think I want to rearrange my life to accommodate him again.  This visit is definitely leaving me with the knowledge that a hole wasn’t left for him when he left.  As much as I have missed him, I had to moved on and create a home here.  I’m starting to worry about how painful it’s going to be to carve out a space for him when he gets home.

Squares Of Absolute Declicious Perfection

My mom and brother are visiting for a long weekend.  I’m very excited.  Not just because I haven’t seen them since Christmas—I get to cook!

I was joking the other day with one of my coworkers whose husband is also deployed that cooking for one person gets rough after awhile.  We traded stories about stretching a half box of cereal for a week so we didn’t have to go the store and how our freezers are filled with single bagged chicken breasts.  We even laughed how we get excited about cooking for other people just because it’s a reason to get a complete meal in normal proportions.  It’s so true.  I use their visit as an excuse to make a dessert I’ve been wanting to try for awhile.

Cheesecake Brownie Yummies!

I saw this recipe on the cover of Family Circle magazine at work.  I think it’s May’s issue, but I’m not sure about that.

I had never attempted cheesecake before, but I must say, I’m awesome.  It turned out so good.  My portions are way bigger than the magazine suggests (hehe), but it’s so rich that I’ve shared with my friends and coworkers and still have plenty for my mom, Super Rad, and I this weekend.

The recipe is long, and I don’t feel like typing it out right now.  If you want, just holler and I’ll post it or send it to you.  And it’s available on the magazine’s website too.

Seriously, don’t skimp on the fresh berries.  They really balance the rich brownie on the bottom.

I’ll let you all know about the visit in a few days…I’m going to so enjoy my time off work.

A Losing Battle

This is my first residence where a:  it’s single family and I’m not sharing with in-laws, extended family, roommates, or friends and b:  I have a yard and am not stuck in an apartment building.  I’ve made it my mission to garden and plant and enjoy my square of dirt to the fullest this summer.

It took me ages, but I picked up some flower pots and my local thrift store and now have flowers on both my front and side stoops.  I have hanging flowers on hooks near my mailbox.  I have small pots of greenery on my fireplace mantle and on my stair landing.  I have onions, garlic, peppers, and tomatoes in plots off the back porch, and green beans going crazy in the front yard where it’s shadier.  In the next week or so I’m planning on putting bushes and maybe flowers around a tree off the corner of the house.  On paper it sounds like I’ve got it all together.

Between the squirrels, dog, weeds, and freakish vines, I’m barely hanging in there.  It’s vicious out there!

I have harvested green beans already.

They’re delicious!  I sort of anticipated it, but I’m going to have way more veggies than I can eat very, very soon.  My first crop of beans is about a week’s worth of portions if I ate them every night.  Would it be polite to send my neighbors notices that they are soon going to be inundated with home-grown veggies now or should I just assume it will be a pleasant surprise?

Another First

Tonight was my first battalion level meeting for spouses.  Actually it was my first FRG-type meeting period.  I’ve been protesting and loudly grumbling about FRGness since this deployment started.  I didn’t think I needed it.  I’ve been doing great.  I know how to handle long absences.  I’m comfortable with military life.  Seriously, butt out people!

But a lady who lives down the street from me and whose hubby left with my DH wanted a buddy to go with.  Most of the meeting was about child care (which is one of my main issues with these types of meetings) and how to be safe during the upcoming summer vacation season.  Then the Rear D commander for the battalion talked about our guys’ mission and how it’s going and MEETINGS ABOUT RE-DEPLOYMENT BACK HOME.

Sniffle.

Tear.

If I was a high schooler and attached to my cellphone I’d say OMG and toss my hair right here.

I was so proud of the guys.  It was the first time I felt like an integral part of their mission.  I saw the maps and little symbols and me and the other lady found ours and felt so attached to what they are doing over there.

And the re-deployment meetings are already scheduled!  It’s not for a little bit yet, but I can flip my calendar and see a date and time and location where someone will give me information.  Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes I feel like I could keep doing this deployment thing forever.  I don’t want to at all, but some days are just better than others and stuff isn’t breaking or getting lost and I feel like I’m actually in control of my little slice of life.  Homecoming still seems so far away.  I don’t usually let myself think about it.  But if the big guys at battalion are planning–seriously, I can let myself start daydreaming that this horrible thing is will eventually end.

I was surprised how quickly I jumped on that little nugget.  I was in tears and wanted to giggle and so hopeful for something good for the first time in months.  And I thought I had it all neatly tucked away and was in control and managing this stupid deployment.  Guess I was a big fat wrong on that one.  I’ve just been ignoring how unhappy and sad it makes me.

I feel like I know what I’m doing.  How does this stuff keep catching me so off guard?

You May Now Kiss The Cook

I thought I had mentioned this before, but I guess not.  I was at the fabric store a few weeks ago looking at possible fabric for my bedroom curtains (which are still in progress by the way).  I didn’t find anything there, but I did find a super cute kit to make a retro style apron.  It was only about $14, so I couldn’t say no.

I can’t find the site again for the life of me, but I’m going to keep looking.  They had a couple other styles, a brown cupcake theme and a black and white checkered one I think.

It was an easy weekend project.  I found that every time I decide to bake I also decide to wear a black shirt, so hopefully this will help.  I love the cherries on the pockets.  They’re so adorable!  And the ruffle at the bottom feels so fun.

Yeah, I was lazy with this picture, but the whole camera-mirror-self thing was just too much.

It was a fun distraction this weekend.  I felt like staying around home, and it successfully kept me from any and all cleaning jobs that needed to get done.  Oh darn…

Up Side

So far I’ve found just one up side to living in a disgustingly hot climate with a very inadequate, antiquated air conditioner.  The toilet seat is never cold.  It’s a nice touch.

So Proud

I did it!  Last night I went to my first yoga class at the gym.  I’ve been wanting to go since I got here and have never made it.  I asked a friend to go with me, but she was busy, and I still went!  I’m so proud of myself.  Turns out there were only four people in the class last night, but I still walked in and participated to my fullest.  Go me!

Anxiety sucks.  I almost talked myself out of going like a dozen times.  I had excuses and back up plans and a million reasons why I shouldn’t go try it.  It’s so frustrating because I really did want to go.

The class itself wasn’t the workout I was hoping for, but the stretch and relaxation it gave me was great, as always.  I’m thinking about trying one of the cardio classes for a good workout instead.  Something’s got to happen.  This deployment 15 has got to go!

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