Playing Catch Up

I would like to be able to say that I’ve been busy, but mostly I’ve been feeling crummy and unmotivated.  I hate that the majority of my posts lately have been food related, so since it’s raining today and I don’t feel like venturing out into the world I’m going to fix that.

Red come down and visited two weeks ago, and we had the best time.  We got tattoos for each other on a whim.  Both our names start with the same letter, so it’s this tribal/swirly pattern with out initial worked into the center.  Mine’s highlighted in green because it’s her favorite color and her’s with blue.  We got them on our lower calf.  It was so fun.  DH and I invited her down to help me with him leaving, but her postpartum depression has really gotten out of hand.  It turned out to be a vacation for us both.

She has gotten suicidal, and I’m really struggling with how to help her.  I’ve offered for her to come back down here, even if DH and I have to help out with the ticket, but I’m afraid she’d only come for a couple days again.  It’s going to take a lot longer for her to get rested up enough to go back and be able to handle life again.  It makes me feel so horrible that I can’t help her more.  I feel like because I have been suicidal in the past and felt those feelings and even attempted it myself I should be able to prevent it from happening to her.  It hurts so much.  I don’t wish it on anyone ever.  I don’t even know what to do or say to help her.  I remember wanting help so badly, but I never heard what I needed from anyone so I don’t know what it is I need to say.  Knowing that she needs that, knowing what it feels like to so desperately want it, but not being able to give it hurts me so much.  I feel like a failure.  It puts me back there so quickly and makes me hurt.  I wish DH and I had talked about my struggles with suicide.  Even the idea of suicide got him so angry that we’ve just let it fade away.  Maybe if we had talked about it I would know what it is I was missing and what I need to give her.  It bothers me so much that I let this happen to someone I love.

I’m still trying to get better from the bronchitis.  It stinks and is taking forever to go away.  It’s kept me out of the gym too, and I think my mental state, not to mention my body, is suffering.  I bought some new running shoes yesterday, so I’m really anxious to get back to it.

I also bought garlic and onions to plant in the backyard one of these weekends!  I’m so excited.  We have a back patio with neglected flower beds around the base.  I’m going to tear out all the overgrown vines, dead flowers, and accumulated leaves and put some vegetables and flowers in.  I’m not the best gardener, but I don’t care.  I’ve waited so long to have an outside space of my own to plant things.  It’s just not spring without new flowers and potting soil.  I’m hoping I have better luck with vegetables, and I’m so excited to be able to cook with stuff I grew.  I also want to pick up some green beans, green peppers, or tomatoes.  I’m thinking I might can spaghetti sauce in the fall.  I wish DH were here for it.  He’s not big on helping with yard work, but I know he’d be so excited to watch the progress and harvest veggies.  I’m planning to getting out the video camera to show him all my hard work, but it’s just not the same.  There’s always next year I suppose.

I’ve also been starting my hospital rounds.  I have a couple serious medical issues that require specialists.  Every time we move I have to start the referral process to get reestablished with someone new.  Somehow TriCare (military insurance) got my information screwed up.  I’m classified under my retired father instead of my active duty husband.  I’m doomed.  I should just give up because this will never be straightened out.  I’m never going to get my referrals either since they’re never find me in the system.  Ugh.  The madness.

I’m still pretty tired even though I’m getting better.  Life is moving forward I guess.  We have one less month in this deployment, so that’s always good.  It’s just breathe, breathe, breathe as my grandma would say.


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