Initial Jumbled Mess Of Thoughts

Honestly, this is an incredibly weird period and I haven’t been ready to talk about it.  I’m not sure I still am.  I feel disjointed, like all my body parts aren’t talking to one another.  This post is going to be rough and unpolished.  I need to get a lot of stuff out there to start putting them in order for myself.

He left and I never got that sad, dreading feeling like I thought I would.  There was too much to do, too  many people to meet, and I just didn’t let myself accept that it was really time to let him go.  (Note to DH’s everywhere:  don’t introduce wives on the day you’re leaving.  We don’t care.  We won’t remember each others’ names.  It’s too late.  Just let it go.)  We said our goodbyes and I gave him a hug and a kiss and we went our separate ways.  We were laughing and joking like it was any other afternoon.  The whole thing feels so fake now.  No tears.  No fighting not to let go.  No savoring the last touch.  I want a do over.

It was about half way home from brigade headquarters that I started to realize that it wasn’t just a kiss goodbye.  I’m doing it all on my own now.  Even that I stuffed way down and ignored.  That night I went up to brush my teeth for bed and he had spilled after shave on the sink.  The bathroom smelled like him so much.  But the medicine cabinet is empty.  His bath towel is missing.  My heart clenched shut.  He’s gone.  I like to save at least one t-shirt of his to curl up with and smell when I start to feel weighed down, but the small pox vaccine he had to get ruined that.  (That thing is soooo gross.  I will not miss that oozing buboes.)  I had to wash and disinfect all his clothes.  I feel robbed of that too.  Everything’s clean and put away.  No stray socks of his littering the floor reminding me of his bad habits.  He’s practically erased.

And people keep calling.  People kept calling when we were trying to say goodbye.  Note to everyone in the whole world you doesn’t have to do this:  DON’T!  We know you’re thinking of us, but we just need space.  I can’t get my own emotions straight.  I don’t want to describe to you how I’m doing or how I’m feeling or relive the exact events of our goodbye.  I want to sit stunned in my own home, quietly, half pretending that this isn’t happening.  If I can ignore his absence for even a little bit, that’s time that I don’t have to bear the pain.  So many people feel the need to check on me, but they can’t do anything to fix this.  Leave me alone for awhile.

He called this morning from Kuwait.  I accidently hung up on him the first time.  I lay there trying not to feel like shit that I missed his call.  I can’t start this so early.  I won’t get every single phone call.  I can’t beat myself up for it.  He called back, thank goodness, and my heart soared.  Just hearing his voice made me feel so much better, but that false feeling of cheeriness was all over the place again.  That’s not me.  That’s certainly not me right now. 

I wonder if whether they want to or not, mil spouses go into auto pilot and stuff their emotions down when times like these happen.  The need not to burden DH with my emotional needs just happens whether I want it to or not.  It makes me so mad.  It makes life easier…in a way…but I feel like I have no control in how I react.  I’m going to explode soon.  Big bursts of anger or almost tears spurt up at odd times.  It’s all under the surface, but I can’t let it out yet.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop the emotional mess once it’s let go.

I stand by my original feelings that I wanted someone here.  I wish Red could have been here right now.  I think I would feel less obligated to stuff it all way, way down and keep going.  I want that release and help–just not in the format of a stupid phone call asking how I’m feeling.  Just come and make me dinner.  Wash his clothes for me so I don’t feel like I’m erasing him out of my house.  Talk to me until I’m too tired to notice that I’m crawling into an empty bed.  Force me to go shopping with you so I have a reason to shower and put on something other than sweats.  Just hug me and don’t say anything when I need to cry.

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