Countdown

We’re into the final days before DH’s deployment.  We’re down to where there’s not much left to do but actually leave now.

I’ve been doing better than I thought I would.  I haven’t gotten crazy weepy or anything.  Just been plugging along.  In a way, it hasn’t felt like it’s this close yet.  There’ll always be one more day to get stuff done.  Last night as the weekend came to a close I felt my first twinge of desperate sadness.  I didn’t feel frantic because I was going to be alone though.  It was more just missing him.  It’s going to be a long time with no hugs or cuddles  in bed or holding hands.  So I guess that’s better than in the past.  It still hurts like crazy though.

What really got to me is how there’s no way to go through this process with someone.  DH cannot help me the way I would like him to.  He’s busy with packing and mentally focusing on his men and the job he has to do.  I can’t help him with that either.  We’re already in two separate spaces, and he hasn’t even left yet.  I couldn’t even go to the legal meeting to get my power of attorney or listen to the stupid FRG people.  He had to do that by himself.

We talked about asking someone to be here with me when he left.  I know I can do the time apart, but I worry about that initial goodbye.  I want to have the option of being so sad that I can check out from the world for awhile.  Someone else would be here to feed the dog and make supper while I moped for a day or so.  I didn’t want someone else (his mother, for example) that would be so sad that I would have to take care of them, but an impartial outsider would be nice.

We asked my best friend if she’d be here for me, and she said she’d come down in three weeks.  I love her to death, but she doesn’t get it.  I don’t need someone in three weeks, although I’d love to see her anytime.  I was trying to explain how I wanted to be alone when he left, just not alone.  She took that as giving me space right away.  She’s not a mil spouse, and it shows.  I want a pro-active woman who can step in and get the job done but isn’t going to yammer on about how it’s going to be ok and how she knows exactly how I feel.  I know tons of other people have gotten through this shitty time, but it doesn’t make me feel better.  They’re not me, hurting right now, going home without my DH.  When there’s no one else who can come and help you, you’re really alone.

I think that is what’s making me saddest right now.  It’s one thing to be alone but know that you’re only alone because people are just busy elsewhere.  It’s a totally different alone to know that there are no people to come at all.  It’s so frustrating because I want so badly to be pro-active about my emotions this time.  There’s always been something I could do to help the situation.  Not for this crap fest though.  I have found nothing and no one that can ease the suck.  So what happens where there are no more options?

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