Checked Out Too Soon

DH hasn’t left yet, but I’m mentally checked out.  In the process of preparing myself for being alone for so long, I’m pass the him leaving stage.  Or maybe I’m ignoring it.  Either way, I feel bad that I’m almost feeling anxious to get to the alone stage.  I went grocery shopping and only bought things I like to eat, and it felt so indulgent to not have to consider another person’s preferences.  Blackberry jam…yumm.  I want him out of my bed so I can make my pillow nest.  I want all the gear out of my dining room so I can mop up the dog slobber.  I’ve started running some errands by myself (driving!), and feel ready but not excited to do this whole real driver thing.  I made a long list of things to keep me occupied while he was gone, and I want to get started on them already.

I don’t want to be alone, but I’ve done so much prepping that it feel like it’s time to get the ball rolling already.  I don’t want to feel annoyed at DH on his last days here.  It seems unfair to us both.  I want to savor our last few days together, but to do that leaves me with a different mental outlook.  It seems like I have to be upset and crying and falling apart that he’s going.  It gets to the point where it feels like I’m preparing to say goodbye to him forever because he’s not coming home.  Granted, there is that possibility, but I can’t live assuming that.  I have to continue on like he’s coming home eventually.  I just need to stay busy until then.  My life is not stopping simply because DH isn’t home.

In trying to approach this deployment with this new attitude, I’ve breezed past the goodbye stage.  It leaves me wondering how unprepared I am to physically let go of him when the time comes.  I’ve mentally prepared myself for everything else but that, but really…do I need to?  How many times have we said goodbye before?  I have to focus on these not being the last days ever.  I will not use that term anymore–“last days”.  They are not accurate to our situation.  I’ll have to think of something else for future posts.

I fear that I have catapulted myself from one extreme to another.  Oh dear.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. WillSpirit
    Jan 05, 2010 @ 15:56:23

    I’ve not been here before, so I have not been following your story. But your discomfort with DH’s deployment is so poignant, that I simply must send a word of support. I am sure you will weather the separation and thrive. Be kind to yourself, do the things you mentioned (e.g., crafts). I will be thinking of you, even though I don’t know you. Blessings.


    • solwindchime
      Jan 05, 2010 @ 16:50:47

      Thanks for the supportive thoughts. It means the world to me. I often need to be reminded to be kind to myself–so thanks again. I hope you stop by occasionally. It’s going to be a long deployment, and I might need to be reminded again. 🙂


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