Holiday Ping Pong

The holidays are over.  My family has all left.  Overall, we had a wonderful time.  We played hours of Taboo.  The dog is here, lounging on his pillow all day and wanting to play all night.  My house feels like a pit.  Not bad for a first holiday in my own home.

On the pre-deployment front, I’m like a ping pong ball.  There are times I feel ready.  I’m certainly not excited, but I can see aspects that aren’t as suck-filled as others.  I will be able to eat peas without DH’s face getting all scrunched in disgust.  The tv will stay on a channel longer than 30 seconds.  My bedroom won’t be carpeted with a layer of dirty gym clothes.  I feel ready to be the sole driver (at least around post) for the next year.  I’m looking forward to time to start the many craft project I have stored up.  I want to spend hours at the library and watch French movies without bargaining.  I don’t know exactly if they could be called perks, but they are all I’ve got.

On the other hand, I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat.  Everything feels overwhelming, rushed, and scary.  I’m terrified of being alone all day every day.  Without a hint of a job opportunity in sight, my days feel long and confined to the house.  I feel like if DH leaves he’s never going to come home at all.  Saying goodbye means never seeing him again.  I know better, but my absolutist view of the world, it’s either one or the other, all or nothing, makes everything skewed.

The good news is that I have started the process to finding a therapist.  I made some calls and have a tentative lady in mind.  The holidays are slowing the process down a bit, but I’m excited about starting therapy again.  From our short phone call, she seems nice.  I’m proud of myself for taking the first step.  I did my research and called all on my own.  Seeing a therapist under Tricare is going to be interesting.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that there won’t be many issues.  I have a good feeling about the whole thing and am really, really anxious to meet her.


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