Feeling Unsettled As I Settle In

So we’re settling in.  The furniture is ordered even if it’s not here.  A washer and dryer will show up someday.  My kitchen cabinet doors won’t be missing forever.  All my stuff is under one roof.  DH has in processed even if he isn’t officially assigned to a unit quite yet.  My moving in and adjusting to a new location ball has more than officially begun rolling.  It’s coasting nicely down the hill on its own power at this point.  But I’m feeling like that might be part of the problem.  It’s out of my hands at this point.  Life is moving forward at a brisk pace, but I’m still feeling unsettled and disjointed.  I’m not keeping up.

There are so many little things cluttering up my to do list that I’m feeling overwhelmed at the jumbled mess it’s become.  I really need to sweep and mop all the floors.  The repair guys and movers tracked in so much dirt over the first few days.  My back porch was missing a screen until a few days ago so the leaves and dust piles have taken over.  I want to give it a cursory mopping before the dog gets here and tracks it back into the house.  My kitchen counters have become a catch-all for everything but food and cooking items.  It’s bugging the heck out of me.  I need stamps for Christmas cards.  I need to run to the laundromat one afternoon.  All these things aren’t big.  I just haven’t gotten to them.  It’s the fact that they’re still on the list that’s making me upset.  I don’t want to forget them.  I’m afraid that in the mix of so many bigger things that those are going to fall through the cracks.

The big things.  Ugh, the big things.  I don’t even want to look at the big things right now.

And then there’s another list entirely of things I want to do.  I want to get a library card.  I haven’t even visited the library here on post, and I was thinking of joining the book club once DH is gone.  He never wants to talk about what I’m reading anyway, and I might meet some nice people.  I want to subscribe to Netflix because I don’t think there’s a place to rent movies on post.  I want to buy a rug for the hallway.  I want to make it down to the riverfront and check it out.  I have two volunteer opportunities that look interesting that I want to investigate and get started with.  My cross stitching has been woefully neglected, as has my pleasure reading.  I don’t want to do any of my fun stuff though until my chores are finished.  It’s making me frantic that I might forget about something I want to do while I’m waiting to have time.

This manifested itself the other night.  I flipped out and had a wee bit of a panic problem because it was raining out.  I was so worried that something bad was going to happen.  I just knew that I was going to wake up and the basement was going to be flooded or that the roof would have leaked while I was sleeping.  This is my first big place.  It’s a lot of responsibility even though the post housing people take care of a lot of the maintenance.  I couldn’t sleep knowing that if I did no one would be watching for anything bad that could come along.  Those scared thoughts automatically spiraled down to bigger ones.  Am I always going to freak when it rains?  If I’m scared of the rain, how am I going to handle real issues that come up while I’m alone for a year?  It was a miserable night.

Since I haven’t made it to therapy yet (another thing on the list of undone chores), I’m not going to vent and list out my problems without suggesting a solution.  No one else is going to help me formulate a plan, so I have to proactive.  I’m getting overwhelmed, anxious, and scared by the amount of things I both need and want to do.  Many of those things I am unduly wanting done before my self-imposed deadline of Christmas.  My parents neither expect nor care if many of those things, like a hallway rug, are in place before they arrive.  I can let some of those things fall to another list that can wait.  I need to get up and actually DO some of those things on the list.  Crossing some things off will lessen the pressure that I’m feeling.  I need to chill.  Christmas is three weeks away.  My Christmas shopping is practically done, most things are ordered and will be delivered, and without a unit DH has plenty of time to help with the running around.  Prioritize.  Calm down.  Implement.

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