Cross Taxi Driver Off My Job Search

I literally just walked in the door from driving my parents to the airport.  I need to breathe.

I couldn’t sleep last night knowing I had to do this today.  I was too freaked out.  Pretty nervous today, but I got my mind off of it by writing some for my thesis.  The trip takes maybe fifteen to twenty minutes, but the traffic around here is crazy nuts.  And this was supposed to be the less crowded time of day too.  I hit the toll road and flipped out.  I started crying, shivering and shaking, hyperventilating, and my hands and feet tingled and went numb.  I couldn’t maintain a constant speed let alone merge across five lanes of traffic in less than 100 yards in traffic that was barreling towards me at 60 mph.  I’ve never freaked out so badly while I was in control of a car before in my life.  I’ve also never had a panic attack that was quite that bad before.  And both my parents sat there staring at me in horror.  My mom might even have drooled a bit her mouth was hanging open so long.  I don’t think they’ve ever seen me have a panic attack before.  My dad’s only driven with me one other time when I was 14.  The trip home by myself was better.  Way less traffic, but I was so worked up that I couldn’t drive smoothly.  Some guy honked at me.  I ran in the door and had to pee my brains out.

So, I’m a little disappointed.  I hoped it’d go better.  I made it without crashing the car into a fiery ball of mangled metal, but does that constitute a success?  If I was alone, I don’t think I would have.  I’m looking at success as capable of completing the task with my own power and with as little to no anxiety freak out episodeness.  That would make this trip a big double fail.  I’m going to contemplate this disaster over fajitas tonight, but then I’m going to set it aside.  I’m not going to dwell on it.  This massive fail does not mean that I will always fail.  It just means I’ve got to go try again.  I’ve been pondering a trip to the post office sometime this week.  I immediately canceled it in my mind after this airport ickiness, but maybe I’ll rethink that.

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