Success Even Though It Feels Crummy

I had some great success today.  It doesn’t feel as great as it is, but I know deep down it’s good.  I’ve been wrestling with my thesis advisor since about June.  He’s been unresponsive, vague, and completely unhelpful.  I can’t get a straight answer out of him about anything.  It takes him sometimes weeks to even give me that much information.  I haven’t heard from him in over a month, and he hasn’t graded my first two assignments for this class.  I have gotten zero guidance for my thesis and am researching blindly hoping that I’m headed in the right direction.

After waking up in a bad mood this morning, I’d had enough.  I sent an email expressing my frustration to my go-to person in the administration.  (As a side note, we graduated together a few years ago with the same degree.  I think he was always sweet on me too, and yes, I sometimes use that for my advantage.  hehe)  I got his out of office reply.  Arg.  I was so fired up and forwarded it to his boss (also graduated with him, although we didn’t know each other well) saying I couldn’t wait until Monday.  My email was immediately forwarded to the director of the program.  I’m getting reassigned a new advisor and have an extension on my entire thesis!  I was so stoked!! 

After thinking about it for several hours now, I’m not as excited about the extension.  If I have to redo so much that it’s going to take me weeks more, I’m not going to be a happy camper.  But at least I have the time, unpenalized, if I need it.  And I like researching, so it won’t be the end of the world.  I will not let it ruin my huge victory.  I spoke up.  I was unhappy and said something AND I GOT RESULTS!  It’s very hard for me to do that.  Even now I’m sitting here worried about what my crappy advisor is thinking about me complaining about him.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt even to the point that my Master’s degree is compromised.  Have I lost my mind?

I want to be proud of this accomplishment.  And I want to cry.  I wish I had people around me that I could celebrate this moment with.  I wish I had a therapist right now that I could talk to.  They’re paid to be interested, but I’m ok with that.  I want to analyze this victory and have someone know right off what it means.  I’m sick of explaining this stuff to people.  I’m sick, but they expect me to be well enough to explain it and help them find the best way to help me.  Hello?  If I could do that, I’d just skip to that stage myself.

To backtrack, DH and I exchanged some heated words last night.  We’re both tired and grumpy.  This separation needs to come to an end.  We’re both strained to the max.  It’s just put me in a crummy mood.  It’s so hard to end a fight when you can’t see each other.  The argument just fades away without a clear resolution.  It’s too easy to hang up the phone, avoid calling, and pretend that all the nastiness didn’t occur the day before.  And right now, it leaves me feeling like I don’t have my main confidant to talk to.

To sum up, it’s a double crummy.  Feeling guilty for speaking up and missing an outlet for my emotions.  Tomorrow my mom and I have big plans, and I hope so badly that my bad mood doesn’t ruin it.  We’ve been planning and looking forward to it ever since I got back.

 

 

 

 

 

Internally raging and maybe a little moping to Staind’s “Yesterday” off 14 Shades of Grey.  It’s serious self-empowerment.  Use wisely.

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