Mixed Results

I meant to do this earlier…I really did.  But one thing led to another and my business overtook me.  Or tiredness did.

I’m back from my week with the hubs.  I’m afraid to say I’m not as lovey-eyed as I sometimes am.  I feel really conflicted about the whole thing.  I was super excited to go see him.  I was super excited to play house for like a day until the incredible small cook top got to be just plain annoying.  It was just a hotel room, and that starts feeling so tiny after a few days.  I had nowhere to go while DH was at work.  He had to take our one and only car, so I really was limited to walking distance.  But, go figure, it rained most of the week, so I didn’t go walking much.  I stayed busy cleaning and cooking, but there’s nothing in the world that makes me feel worse than limiting my day to just that.  I felt pathetic and controlled, but I tried to deal until the weekend when we’d have some more time.

I made DH promise to take me out when I got there.  I had just been shopping, and I’ve been trying really hard to pick cute clothes that I don’t normally buy.  They were a bit more girly, sophisticated, and not all bummish like I normally choose.  I even got a cute pair of heels!  Squeeelll!!  I was excited to get a little dressed up and be social.  Here at my parents’ I don’t know anyone.  I don’t go out with friends.  I don’t go anywhere outside the house unless I’m running errands with my mom or doing research.  It’s horrible, so I was really counting on DH to find a few friends to socialize with.  We did nothing.  He took me out to eat and then we watched a movie in the room.  I was so disappointed and unhappy.  All his friends kept calling asking him to do stuff, but he swore that I wouldn’t want to anything they were doing.  I got so mad that he couldn’t even conceive of altering his normal social life to something that I could fit into.  I ended up mostly wearing his PT gear all week because it was cold inside and my cute clothes just didn’t cut it.  I felt so bad.  He looked up things to do online like museums or plays, but he didn’t get that I didn’t want those types of activities to do.  I wanted to see other people my age and laugh and come home late.  I felt so unhappy that I was glad it was the weekend and I was coming back.  I had to get away.  So I feel relieved to be out of the situation but crappy because I didn’t get to enjoy my last three days with DH.  I want to forget the whole week.  That’s horrible, but it’s true.

I realized I’m way more out of the military lifestyle than I thought I was.  Being on base and doing “normal” military things seemed really odd to me.  They didn’t come naturally, and more than once I felt really out of place.  I haven’t done this in so long.  It makes me nervous for when I finally get their full time.  I just knew I was going to love everything and get along perfectly.  Now I have no idea how this is going to go.

DH is actively trying to switch our orders too.  Since it is his job, I feel a little like non-committal about the whole thing.  I don’t really care; I just want to get there already.  I want to start looking for jobs and get on the housing list and look into public transportation.  Every week it’s another possible duty station, and I’m tired of getting all amped up for something that we can’t really control.  Isn’t what we have good enough?  Who cares if it’s not perfect.  When is the military ever going to give you what you want?  Just deal and move on.  But DH is convinced that it will make or break his career.  It’s easy to get all wound up now when there’s nothing to do but sit and wait . It got me a little peeved, and I’ve just been blocking out the whole idea because I don’t want to deal with it.  What’s the use?  Yes, I have loads of opinions about which station to pick (like we really can), but none of them really matter because they’re all “silly, civilian” concerns compared to his “career” possibilities.  I sorta see that, but it affects my career too, and I’m the one who’s actually going to be stuck there while he goes off to some foreign land to work.

The flight back was a mess.  Not one of my better airport experiences, and I’ve already jumped into homework and research.  I’m leaving next week to see Red, her incoming baby, and my grandparents. I’m excited.  I’ve been talking with Red, and it sounds like Baby Red is coming early.  It’s going to be a long month out of a suitcase, but I’m looking forward to the time with her.  It’s been a lot of years since we had so much time together.  But that means that I have to kick it into overdrive this week to get ready to go.

In hindsight now that I’m home, I do miss my honey.  We joked that we have to have weeks like we did to remind us that we really were married.  It made me sad.  Parts of us work a lot better apart because we have to do it so often, and being together causes some conflict because we’re not used to it.  I so desperately wish it was the other way around.  I want more time with him, and I’m already daydreaming about being together again.  That usually doesn’t start so soon after a visit, so it makes me think the next few months are going to be rough ones.  Right now we have no plans to see each other until his training is over.  We really don’t have the money to visit.  Boo.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I’ll win the lottery between then and now.

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