Missin You

I’m plugging away here in Prairieville.  Yesterday I went fishing with Mr. Red the Giant.  Red had school and Baby Red spent the day with Nana.  It was a fun day, even if I only caught one decent sized Perch.  School work…yeah.  That’s been a little tougher to keep up with.  It’s a motivation issue, totally.  I need to get my act together.  I would really rather there be some other way that I could get this done without it, but I’ve wracked my brain and am coming up with nothing.

Really, what’s been occupying my mind is DH.  I miss him.  A lot.  We talked about meeting up over Labor Day, and I got my heart set on it instantly.  Now we aren’t because logically, we don’t have the extra money, and I’m so disappointed.  November seems like so far away.  Since my phone doesn’t work well here, we’ve been trying to use web cams and instant messenger to talk once in awhile.  It’s so hard.  It’s almost worse.  I can see him but can’t hear is voice or snuggle up with him.  It’s torture.  I’m feeling really bummed about our situation.  I’m so, so, so ready to be back with him and doing normal, couple things.  I don’t even know if we classify as a couple right now.  Sigh.

I love you, Honey.  Eventually we’ll get there.

Baby!

Baby Red arrived Monday afternoon.  The little stinker is happy and healthy and will probably come home tomorrow.  It was an incredibly long day, night, and next day at the hospital, but it’s something I was so happy Red and Mr. Red the Giant let me be a part of.  That being said, I think I’ll hold off repeating the event for a long, long time.  Hehe.  I’m at home today taking care of their dogs and cats so they can relax and enjoy their time.

I’m cooking a welcome home dinner for them tomorrow.  I’m thinking ham and scalloped potatoes with strawberry cake.  Does that say welcome home little baby to you?

Operation New Baby…Delayed

Nope.  No baby yet.  We had a false alarm early yesterday morning but are still waiting.  Red’s been in mid-labor since then but isn’t getting past it.  We’ve been walking a lot and running errands to stay busy, but no baby sightings yet.  We did visit the county fair, and Red got me hooked on VFW bingo.  Oh man, I just know I’m going to win the big money playing bingo.

While I’ve been waiting for Operation New Baby to commence, I finished my last class.  Yay!  I’m so happy to have the daily homework side of my degree done.  I’m really on the last stretch of finishing my last few research articles and writing, writing, writing.  I maybe can catch a tiny glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel now.

Red has been making me drive all over since I got here.  She heard I had my license finally, so she’s been making me practice tons.  Prairieville is light on the traffic side, so I’ve been doing good.  Driving in town with no freak outs or anything.  Go me.

Being around Red and Mr. Red the Giant is making me very, very homesick for DH.  He’s been so attentive and anxious about the baby, I feel a little lonely.  When she starts feeling bad, she wants him and not me.  I guess I’m a little jealous, but I feel more like the third wheel.  I don’t know where to go where I don’t feel like I’m intruding on them.  And it makes me miss those moments with my own hubby.  I’m ready for this long training separation to be over already.  I miss having him around regularly.  This is maybe the toughest part of being apart.  I am less busy, it’s been quite a few months now, and I’m around another lovey couple.  It’s torture.  I walk around feeling like I want to cry, but I want to be giving Red attention and help like a pregnant lady needs.  This time is not about me, but I’m starting to really hurt inside.  I don’t get cell service out here in Prairieville either, so there’s been no texting, no calls, no messages.  Nada.  I might be here for two and a half more weeks.  I’m having DH withdrawls!!

I think this might cure me of my occasional baby fever though.  When I first got here and saw how protective Mr. Red the Giant was to his wife’s belly, I wanted it so badly for myself.  I want to share that with DH.  The longer I’m here though, I don’t want kids.  I want to be with DH again, but our time is so fleeting.  He wouldn’t be able to be there for my belly the same way Red’s hubby is, so I’d be missing the part of the experience I want the most.  And honestly, I don’t want to share right now.  I might get as little as a few weeks with DH before he’s gone again.  Kids in that situation would not be good.  And personally (and I apologize to all moms everywhere), the baby process does not look pretty.  Not much encouragement to jump in on that fun wagon.  I don’t know.  DH and I have been doing a lot of discussing about the topic, especially with deployment schedules coming out.  I don’t know if I want it bad enough to compromise and try to squeeze it in around him being gone.  We concluded more thought was needed.

Hopefully I can report on Baby Red’s arrival in the  next few days.

Waiting for Baby Red

Just wanted to say that I’m at Red’s.  Internet is a little spotty right now, so when I get it, I’ve been focusing on homework.  Red and Mr. Red the Giant work nights, so my days have been super skewed.  I’m tired and hungry most of the time.  We’re not going much of anything.  Waiting on Baby Red.  Any day now…

I want to say more about DH, my grandparents, and being here in Prairieville, but it’ll have to wait.  Next week should be better.

Booya!

I passed.  I’m a legal, unaccompanied driver.

I only had one panic attack leaving the house this morning.  I figured I’d have at least one, so that’s not too bad.  I am not really super excited about the whole thing.  I’m sad that my life as a non-driver is coming to an end.  It feels a little like I compromised on my priciples, but I guess I’m alright with that because I didn’t want to hurt DH’s career.  I’m glad it went fairly uneventfully.  I’m even more glad that I NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN!!

DH says he’s proud of me.  That’s what counts.

Scariest (Perhaps Stupidest) Thing Ever

I’m attempting the road test tomorrow for my driver’s license.  I am scared shitless and my worry meter just jumped about 600 rpms.  Part of me doesn’t care what the results are.  Part of me doesn’t want to pass because then I can remain my non-driving self and truely say this whole driving thing isn’t for me.  Part of me wants this whole crappy thing to get overwith so I never, ever have to do it again.  Aaagggghhhhhh!!  I’m going to do this with my dad, whom I have only driven with once in my whole life and I was 14.

 

If I survive this, it will be the most scariest thing I have ever done.

A Distraction From Research

Yesterday was my last day reseraching.  Thank goodness!  Unfortunately it wasn’t as productive as I would have liked, and it was all around a frustrating, long day.  Fan-flippin-tastic, but I’m done with the hard stuff.  Here’s the update:

  1. Secondary sources (monographs) from the library–collected, 35-40% notes taken
  2. Secondary sources (journal articles) from scholarly databases–collected, 30-40% notes taken
  3. Primary sources @ Smithsonian Postal Archives–done!
  4. Primary sources @ National Archives (Civil War papers)–done!
  5. Primary sources @ National Archives (Postal Deptartment papers)–done!
  6. Primary sources @ National Archives (Legislative papers)–done!
  7. Secondary sources @ National Archives (Government serial set)–99% completed

On a completely unrelated topic, I bought my first piece of true art yesterday.  I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile, and I don’t exactly have the money for it, but I didn’t want to pass it up.  It’s by a Mongolian artists, Damba Tsolmon.  He paints traditionally Mongolian scenes of nomadic, Asian life.  My painting has a warrior on a horse.  It looks similar to this:

painting

It’s on beige-ish linen.  Gorgeous.  I thought it was a nice way to illustrate a little the military historian in me.  (Man, I’m a nerd.)  One day, I’d like to get at least one more as a partner for it, but I need more money before I do that.  When I get a bedroom, I want to decorate it with subtle Asian touches.  Nothing fancy.  I see it in greys and blues, and hopefully it’ll be a minimalistist, meditative, serene place.  I wanted some art in there too.  In military housing, it’ll be interesting to see how much of that comes true.  I’ve got nothing but time to dream at this point!

Next week is my last week of regular classes, I need to finish my last bit of research for this honkin’ thesis, and I’m traveling to see my grandparents and Red.  Let’s just say I’m so excited about this painting…I’m going to need a good nap after everything else.

Research Update

I’m totally bummed, missing DH, and all around hating military life today, so I’m trying to get my head around school instead.

My thesis research is coming to an end, whether I’m done or not.  Here’s the update:

  1. Secondary sources (monographs) from the library–collected, 10-20% notes taken
  2. Secondary sources (journal articles) from scholarly databases–collected, 30-40% notes taken
  3. Primary sources @ Smithsonian Postal Archives–90% completed
  4. Primary sources @ National Archives (Civil War papers)–done!
  5. Primary sources @ National Archives (Postal Deptartment papers)–done!
  6. Primary sources @ National Archives (Legislative papers)–to do 😦
  7. Secondary sources @ National Archives (Government serial set)–98% completed

I’m going downtown tomorrow and hope to finish the Legislative papers and the files at the Postal Archives.  I’m a little worried because I’m not totatlly sure how much I’m going to find in the Legislative papers.  Based on past research days, I’m hoping it’ll be about a half day’s worth of material so I can swing by the Postal Archives and see the last few files there.  I’m leaving next Wednesday for Red’s house, so I have very, very little time to finish.  I plan on taking most of the secondary sources with me to work on over the next two-three weeks while I’m there.

Concerns:

  1. Once I start writing, I’ll realize I don’t have enough material.
  2. I don’t have enough journal articles.
  3. I don’t have enough background, historical foundation for the military and U.S.
  4. This topic was stupid from the beginning, and I have no argument.
  5. I forgot to look somewhere important for material and am now out of time.

I need to write at least a page a day starting September 1st to be done on time.  I feel like I’m pretty on schedule, and that’s what’s worrying me.  I can get more secondary sources while I’m at Red’s on baby duty, but I am totally out of time on collecting primary information.  My adviser is useless, so I feel a little like I’m winging this whole process.  He’s the type of guy who will stay silent until it’s too late and then tell me I’m completely on the wrong track.  Yikes.

Mixed Results

I meant to do this earlier…I really did.  But one thing led to another and my business overtook me.  Or tiredness did.

I’m back from my week with the hubs.  I’m afraid to say I’m not as lovey-eyed as I sometimes am.  I feel really conflicted about the whole thing.  I was super excited to go see him.  I was super excited to play house for like a day until the incredible small cook top got to be just plain annoying.  It was just a hotel room, and that starts feeling so tiny after a few days.  I had nowhere to go while DH was at work.  He had to take our one and only car, so I really was limited to walking distance.  But, go figure, it rained most of the week, so I didn’t go walking much.  I stayed busy cleaning and cooking, but there’s nothing in the world that makes me feel worse than limiting my day to just that.  I felt pathetic and controlled, but I tried to deal until the weekend when we’d have some more time.

I made DH promise to take me out when I got there.  I had just been shopping, and I’ve been trying really hard to pick cute clothes that I don’t normally buy.  They were a bit more girly, sophisticated, and not all bummish like I normally choose.  I even got a cute pair of heels!  Squeeelll!!  I was excited to get a little dressed up and be social.  Here at my parents’ I don’t know anyone.  I don’t go out with friends.  I don’t go anywhere outside the house unless I’m running errands with my mom or doing research.  It’s horrible, so I was really counting on DH to find a few friends to socialize with.  We did nothing.  He took me out to eat and then we watched a movie in the room.  I was so disappointed and unhappy.  All his friends kept calling asking him to do stuff, but he swore that I wouldn’t want to anything they were doing.  I got so mad that he couldn’t even conceive of altering his normal social life to something that I could fit into.  I ended up mostly wearing his PT gear all week because it was cold inside and my cute clothes just didn’t cut it.  I felt so bad.  He looked up things to do online like museums or plays, but he didn’t get that I didn’t want those types of activities to do.  I wanted to see other people my age and laugh and come home late.  I felt so unhappy that I was glad it was the weekend and I was coming back.  I had to get away.  So I feel relieved to be out of the situation but crappy because I didn’t get to enjoy my last three days with DH.  I want to forget the whole week.  That’s horrible, but it’s true.

I realized I’m way more out of the military lifestyle than I thought I was.  Being on base and doing “normal” military things seemed really odd to me.  They didn’t come naturally, and more than once I felt really out of place.  I haven’t done this in so long.  It makes me nervous for when I finally get their full time.  I just knew I was going to love everything and get along perfectly.  Now I have no idea how this is going to go.

DH is actively trying to switch our orders too.  Since it is his job, I feel a little like non-committal about the whole thing.  I don’t really care; I just want to get there already.  I want to start looking for jobs and get on the housing list and look into public transportation.  Every week it’s another possible duty station, and I’m tired of getting all amped up for something that we can’t really control.  Isn’t what we have good enough?  Who cares if it’s not perfect.  When is the military ever going to give you what you want?  Just deal and move on.  But DH is convinced that it will make or break his career.  It’s easy to get all wound up now when there’s nothing to do but sit and wait . It got me a little peeved, and I’ve just been blocking out the whole idea because I don’t want to deal with it.  What’s the use?  Yes, I have loads of opinions about which station to pick (like we really can), but none of them really matter because they’re all “silly, civilian” concerns compared to his “career” possibilities.  I sorta see that, but it affects my career too, and I’m the one who’s actually going to be stuck there while he goes off to some foreign land to work.

The flight back was a mess.  Not one of my better airport experiences, and I’ve already jumped into homework and research.  I’m leaving next week to see Red, her incoming baby, and my grandparents. I’m excited.  I’ve been talking with Red, and it sounds like Baby Red is coming early.  It’s going to be a long month out of a suitcase, but I’m looking forward to the time with her.  It’s been a lot of years since we had so much time together.  But that means that I have to kick it into overdrive this week to get ready to go.

In hindsight now that I’m home, I do miss my honey.  We joked that we have to have weeks like we did to remind us that we really were married.  It made me sad.  Parts of us work a lot better apart because we have to do it so often, and being together causes some conflict because we’re not used to it.  I so desperately wish it was the other way around.  I want more time with him, and I’m already daydreaming about being together again.  That usually doesn’t start so soon after a visit, so it makes me think the next few months are going to be rough ones.  Right now we have no plans to see each other until his training is over.  We really don’t have the money to visit.  Boo.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I’ll win the lottery between then and now.