Mental Illness Series: Relationships

So life has continued…I, on the other hand, have not. I’m still struggling. I haven’t figured out what exactly his bringing me down yet either. Everything seems to be making me upset and my emotions have been swinging wildly even along the low end of the spectrum. I’m officially a mess.

Part of it is a little piece of homesickness. Let me correct that. I was watching a rerun of How I Met Your Mother (such a cute show), and Robin was homesick for Canada. Marshall is from Minnesota, and since they’re similar, he was helping her cope. It really struck a chord with me, and I started thinking that maybe I was homesick too. I really miss Prairieville, as I always do. I have always felt that the people there are more like me, think more like me, and hold similar values. I feel most accepted when I’m there. In retrospect, I think because I’ve been feeling lonely, ignored, and angry with my current situation I latched onto the idea of Prairieville. It signifies a better place for me. My friends are there. I had good experiences when I lived there. I love visiting. I think I just wanted to feel included and loved, which led to homesickness. But at the same time, I am homesick for my life back. I told Red in a phone call that I was tired to being a family of one. I want my husband back. I want our life together back. I want to be back under the same roof where we cooked supper, worried over money, and got ready for work in a tiny, cramped bathroom. I know we’re going to be moving tons, and that’s ok, but right now feels like such a huge holding pattern. At least if we’re moving we’d be together working toward our goals again. I’m homesick for my own job again and my furniture. I want to curl up and read while DH plays video games.

I need help remembering that this weird phase is still a version of that. I’m working hard toward finishing school while DH is busy training. We are still moving forward, day by day.

DH is taking the brunt of this as usual. Talking to him makes me feel worse. If it’s not the actual conversation, it’s saying goodbye at the end. My solution has been to avoid contact. I know I’m doing this all wrong. I know and feel like I’m being a bad wife. I want to ask how his day is going and wish him luck on his PT test, but our phone conversations send me so close to the edge that I can’t. I feel like it’s better for us both if I just don’t call. He gets frustrated because I’m upset again and he can’t help. I get frantic and desperate because…it’s what I do. I feel like there’s something I need from him so badly, and he’s just not giving it. I know he could help. I know in my gut that I need something from him.

I feel like he’s just not trying. I know that’s horrible, but I can’t help it. I feel like he doesn’t want to take the time, especially since he’s far away. In a relationship I expect the person to reach a certain level of “knowing” me. If I’m upset one day, the very next day I want that person to check on me. “How are you doing today?” “Has anything changed?” At least assume that unless I notify you otherwise, the status quo continues and I am still upset. I don’t feel like I get that from DH. There’s a convenient obliviousness and amnesia that erases his memory. He answers the phone surprised every time that I’m still struggling. His repeated question of what’s bothering me drives me to the brink of an explosion like nothing else. I feel like I shouldn’t have to re-explain it over and over. It makes me feel like he’s not thinking of me or concerned because in my book, a concerned person would REMEMBER. How bad do I have to get to warrant that?

I don’t want this to be a rant against DH. It’s not. The point is that I’m not feeling wanted or worth remembering, and of all people, I want that from DH. I shouldn’t have to ask for it, let alone be disappointed when it’s not delivered. I will not accept that it’s just a guy thing. That guys don’t store such information for a later date. That’s bull shit and a cop out. I may complain, but our relationship is still strained on both sides because I’m having such a rough time.

I’ve been writing this over several days now, and for the past day or two I’ve had a small resurgence of good feelings. My trip to research helped some I think. I’ve also been experimenting with ending the phone conversation before DH does. It’s a very small act, but I feel like it’s on my terms. In a lot of ways, I don’t want to quit talking, but I know it’s ending anyway. I’ve been saying that I want to go and get a snack, and now DH has commented that I’ve been snacking an awful lot. Hehe. I haven’t mentioned my experiment because somehow I think it will ruin it. I still have feelings of abandonment and a seemingly very obvious false attitude of perkiness, but I’ve felt better about hanging up. Is this the right way to fix the problem? I don’t know. It’s all I can manage on my own right now though, so I think it good that at least I’m trying to do something.

I don’t want to hope that maybe my dark funk has subsided for awhile. I can still feel it waiting to come out if I don’t keep busy and ignore it. I’m going to be busy for the next few days though, and I might get lucky. I really need this break, so let’s keep our fingers crossed.


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