Cranky Blahs

I haven’t been feeling very friendly recently.  Super Rad’s here, which I’m so stoked about.  I’ve missed him tons and don’t really get the chance to spend much time with him anymore now that we’re both “adults” and off doing “real, grown-up” stuff.  The downside is, everyone else feels the same.  My father is so thrilled with having less of a parent-child relationship with my brother and more a friend/best buddy one that together they’re just obnoxious.  I want to smack my dad and tell him he looks like even more of an idiot than usual.  Everything feels like it’s geared toward Super Rad.  What he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to talk about…  Not that my schedule was so interesting that I miss it, but I also don’t just want to throw it out the window because someone else has a better idea.  It goes back to my therapists’ ideas about self-agency.  I don’t yet have the strength to enforce my own boundaries and routines when someone else comes close to my personal bubble.  Too much technical information, I know.  Deal with it for today.

One of our cousins lives in the local area.  Most of our extended family lives in Prairieville, so we try to keep in touch and have dinner occasionally.  I’ve been hesitant about getting in touch with her because quite honestly, she’s a bit of a loose cannon in my opinion.  She’s about mine and Super Rad’s age.  She took a break from college because she ran out of money.  She’s had a lot of mental illness issues a few years ago and is recovering from an eating disorder.  Heavy drug use was mixed up in that as well.  I certainly don’t judge or fault her for mental illness, but the partying aspect of her life is where I feel uncomfortable.  I don’t in any way get close to that sort of “fun,” and I don’t want to.  I haven’t learned how to be friends with those kinds of people or how to draw the line with stuff I’d rather not do.  So I just don’t go.  It’s not the best system, but I’m working on it, so it’ll have to do until I can manage it better.  Super Rad and her are making plans to hang out and have, of course, invited me along.  I really, really don’t think it’s going to be something I want to do.  I equally don’t want to go and wind up stranded and relying on either one of them in the wee hours of the morning after hours of heavy partying.

To bring me down further, the fishing trip Super Rad and my father decided on now looks like it might include me.  I’d love to go fishing.  I haven’t been in years.  It’s the best buds routine that my dad’s in when he’s around Super Rad that is making the sound of a few days on a boat with them turn sour.  I’m ignored and made fun of when they’re wrapped up in their private jokes.  It’s not like I want to be included either.  It’s all sexual innuendos (because talking about that with your kid is cool) or war/gun/shooting stuff (because nothing could be more entertaining than what funny place on the target got hit).  Really?  Could it be any more appealing for a girl?

Then pour a huge glass of guilt on top of it all.  Who am I to say what kind of relationship Super Rad and my dad should have?  Super Rad’s only going to be here for two weeks.  I should and want to be enjoying his company, not be grumpy at him.  How he spends his free time is also not in my realm of judgement.  I can’t help it though.  His visit is not and never has lived up to the amazing image of him that I’ve built for myself.  I’m always disappointed.  And that has left me the state of cranky blahs that I’m wallowing in right now.  Fan-flippin-tastic.

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