Emotional Mess

I had an emotionally draining day today.  My mom and I were talking about all sorts of things this morning, and we got on the topic of my brother’s impending homecoming from his second deployment.  As this is his second, we know what to expect a little bit more.  It’s frustrating and slow.  There’s such a sense of relief yet it’s far from over.  It took him almost a full year to get to a good place after he got home.  As his family, we feel very helpless in the whole thing.  Plus none of us lived close to him to help even if he needed it.

I took his first deployment pretty hard.  He and I are very close, and I really didn’t know what to do or how I felt about it.  By the time he came home, DH was entering the military and we began facing his own deployment possibilities.  It’s tough.  I feel like I should know how to help and support my husband since I’ve gone through someone close to me doing it.  I don’t.  To me, it just highlighted my inadequacies.  I know nothing.

Talking to my mom today though, I could hear the relief in her voice.  Soon it would be over.  For me though, it’s not ending.  DH will soon be deployed, and I will be doing it alone.  When Super Rad left, we tightened the family.  Visiting him was a coordinated event.  Calling, sending mail, and sharing news were all done along a carefully constructed network.  We talked, speculated, and worried as a group.  I am a group of one.  Yes, other people care about him, but it’s not a shared vital fear.  They are one layer removed.  It made me very scared and lonely thinking about it.  I don’t feel like I have the space to be scared about the whole thing.  I need to be supportive.  I want to be supportive, to focus on whatever DH wants or needs.  But I’m scared too, and I don’t know when to do that or where to get comfort for that.  I’m angry that other people get to stop worrying now when I don’t.  I feel like I’m doing this alone.  I don’t know who to relate to.  I don’t want to call up  my mother.  A son and a husband are not the same thing.

And I worry…..a lot….about everything.  I worry about not knowing how to help him when he comes home.  I worry about how I will do while he’s gone.  I worry that he won’t ask me for help because he thinks I can’t handle it.  I worry that he’ll have nightmares and I won’t be able to ease his fears.  I worry that he won’t want me when he gets back.  I can’t list everything I worry about.  I know I am worrying myself sick way before I need to even starting thinking about it, but it’s been weighing on me lately.  Today it just bubbled over.  I’m tired and sad.

On a related and happy note, Sis B welcomed her man back home finally.  I’m so happy for her.  I’ve been following her blog for awhile, and I have really felt connected to her struggles.  I love her in part because she’s a wonderful writer and in part because I think I’ve found a woman who loves her husband as intensely as I love DH.  I’m sure her house is incredibly crazy today in a gloriously perfect way.

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