Cranky Blahs

I haven’t been feeling very friendly recently.  Super Rad’s here, which I’m so stoked about.  I’ve missed him tons and don’t really get the chance to spend much time with him anymore now that we’re both “adults” and off doing “real, grown-up” stuff.  The downside is, everyone else feels the same.  My father is so thrilled with having less of a parent-child relationship with my brother and more a friend/best buddy one that together they’re just obnoxious.  I want to smack my dad and tell him he looks like even more of an idiot than usual.  Everything feels like it’s geared toward Super Rad.  What he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to talk about…  Not that my schedule was so interesting that I miss it, but I also don’t just want to throw it out the window because someone else has a better idea.  It goes back to my therapists’ ideas about self-agency.  I don’t yet have the strength to enforce my own boundaries and routines when someone else comes close to my personal bubble.  Too much technical information, I know.  Deal with it for today.

One of our cousins lives in the local area.  Most of our extended family lives in Prairieville, so we try to keep in touch and have dinner occasionally.  I’ve been hesitant about getting in touch with her because quite honestly, she’s a bit of a loose cannon in my opinion.  She’s about mine and Super Rad’s age.  She took a break from college because she ran out of money.  She’s had a lot of mental illness issues a few years ago and is recovering from an eating disorder.  Heavy drug use was mixed up in that as well.  I certainly don’t judge or fault her for mental illness, but the partying aspect of her life is where I feel uncomfortable.  I don’t in any way get close to that sort of “fun,” and I don’t want to.  I haven’t learned how to be friends with those kinds of people or how to draw the line with stuff I’d rather not do.  So I just don’t go.  It’s not the best system, but I’m working on it, so it’ll have to do until I can manage it better.  Super Rad and her are making plans to hang out and have, of course, invited me along.  I really, really don’t think it’s going to be something I want to do.  I equally don’t want to go and wind up stranded and relying on either one of them in the wee hours of the morning after hours of heavy partying.

To bring me down further, the fishing trip Super Rad and my father decided on now looks like it might include me.  I’d love to go fishing.  I haven’t been in years.  It’s the best buds routine that my dad’s in when he’s around Super Rad that is making the sound of a few days on a boat with them turn sour.  I’m ignored and made fun of when they’re wrapped up in their private jokes.  It’s not like I want to be included either.  It’s all sexual innuendos (because talking about that with your kid is cool) or war/gun/shooting stuff (because nothing could be more entertaining than what funny place on the target got hit).  Really?  Could it be any more appealing for a girl?

Then pour a huge glass of guilt on top of it all.  Who am I to say what kind of relationship Super Rad and my dad should have?  Super Rad’s only going to be here for two weeks.  I should and want to be enjoying his company, not be grumpy at him.  How he spends his free time is also not in my realm of judgement.  I can’t help it though.  His visit is not and never has lived up to the amazing image of him that I’ve built for myself.  I’m always disappointed.  And that has left me the state of cranky blahs that I’m wallowing in right now.  Fan-flippin-tastic.

Officially Practicing

I have my permit in hand and am legally hitting the road.  I aced the test but almost lost it on the vision screening.  Oops…need to get the contacts updated.  I’m a little excited to have it come in the mail probably next week.  Excited about this driving thing?  Maybe a little.  I’m not really wanting it to be a big deal though.  I asked that the “exciting news” not be shared with relatives when they call.  Just taking it one step at a time.  It does feel more ready now then it ever has in the past, so I guess that means it’s ok.  Taking the metaphorical corners slow for now but enjoying the breeze in my hair.

All Together

Super Rad got in this afternoon for his two week mid-deployment leave.  He’s good.  He looks tired, but who wouldn’t after 17 hours on a plane and crazy jet lag.  His sense of humor is fully engaged.  Sigh…it feels good to be all together again.  He’s headed down to the base he’s stationed at to get some more body art done.  I’m so jealous.  I wish I had that sort of expendable cash and time to get tattoos like he does.  He has so many he has “a guy.”  He’s also hitting up a concert at the beach and maybe fishing with  my dad while he’s back.  It totally sounds like a great vacation.  I’m trying to talk him into taking me to test for my permit tomorrow morning.  He said he’d rather punch himself directly in the wiener than spend time at the DMV.  So…is that a no?

Rules Of The Road

I went and picked up the driver’s manual today.  I’m officially studying to be a licensed driver.  I read over it this evening, and there wasn’t much that I didn’t already know.  All the number facts like reduce your speed by 1/3 in rain and 1/2 on snow will be easy to confuse on the test, but at least I don’t have to worry about the basic info.  I can only fail three times without having to go through a driver’s education program.  I don’t really think I’m going to fail, but it’s just a layer of pressure that I could live without.  I’m thinking Friday or next Monday might be my day to try.  Man, I can’t believe I’m doing this.

Driving

As I’ve said several different times, I don’t drive.  I don’t have a driver’s license and don’t have a big desire to get one.  It’s just not my thing.  When everyone was 16 and dreaming about cars and cruising with friends, I never felt the need to join.  I also assumed that I just wasn’t ready, and someday the urge would hit me.  I resented other people constantly asking when I was going to do it and why I wasn’t already.  I get it.  It’s weird that a twenty-something person doesn’t drive, but it’s not that weird.  Come on!  I had a Resident Adviser in college that had epilepsy and wasn’t allowed to drive.  No one thought that was weird, but no one assumes I have a medical condition prohibiting me from driving.  Anyway, the more I felt rushed to drive the more I resisted it.

Since I haven’t been a driver, I’ve found other ways to do the stuff I want.  I’m an avid walker.  I enjoy or at least not peeved by public transit.  I carpool occasionally.  Those are things that I don’t just tolerate; I really and truely like.  The big but here though is that DH will be deploying in the near future.  That will leave me by myself for a long time.  In the past if he had to be gone I happened to be with family or we stocked up on necessities to get me through a few weeks alone.  We can’t exactly stock up on a year to a year and a half’s worth of groceries, dog food, and toilet paper.  Our future duty station does have public transit, but I can’t realistically haul dog food home on the bus.  Sigh…all signs point toward getting a license.

I technically can drive.  DH has made sure I can piddle around the neighborhood.  He says my safety zone is 35 mph or under.  Traffic and everything that comes with city driving just makes me so nervous!  I really, really don’t like doing it at all, and since I don’t have a license, I don’t really do it often because that’s sort of illegal.  I’m here at my parents’ right now, taking care of the Bag Lady, and she had this brilliant idea to get me officially licensed so I can meet up with DH and don’t have to worry about it.  Yay?

I have mixed feelings about the whole deal.  I don’t want to lose the qualities about being a non-driver that I like.  I want to keep walking and taking the bus/train.  I don’t want to have to get another car.  Right now we’re a one car family, and I like not having to pay for double insurance and car payments and oil changes.  That’s a lot of extra money that we are currently funneling to student loans.  I am glad that as long as I keep it from expiring, I’ll never, ever, ever have to deal with this again.  I do feel a little rushed into this, and I feel like if I had more time, I could find a way to make everything work without having to drive.  I don’t know…could I finally be ready for this?  I kind of liked being labeled a non-driver.  I hated dealing with inquiring, stupid people, but I was proud of my decision.  I made it solely based on my situation, abilities, and feelings.  In a way it feels like I’m caving on my principles because I’ve always maintained that it is possible to be a non-driver.

I think that’s it.  I might be ready to accept that I have to do this, and that makes me sad and nervous.  I don’t want to drive on base and potentially harm DH’s career because I get caught driving unlicensed and uninsured.  But this really does make me sad.  I’m putting this part of myself away, and it was a part of me that I really liked.  Will I possibly be the only person to be sad and grieving when I get my driver’s license?

Cause for Celebration!

I have a brand new cousin as of June 12th.  It’s a little girl.  Reports say that Thing 1 and momma are doing well.  Her pregnant sister, due in September, was there for her the whole time.  Her brother’s wife, also pregnant, is due in October.  My aunt is reveling in her grandma-ness right now.  Hehe…  I’ll get to see Thing 1 and maybe Thing 2 if she’s born yet in my travels later this summer.  Yay for family tonight.

I also took the plunge and got back to the gym after a hiatus of about four weeks.  I’m celebrating now, but tomorrow I’m going to be crying.  I was so proud of myself and did three miles on the treadmill along with my usual arm circuit.  I also do squats on a half stability ball that work wonders.  It’s a squishy ball on one side and has a hard plastic bottom.  I flip it over and stand on the flat side.  Squats are sent to a whole ‘nother dimension because you have to engage muscles to stay balanced on top of the squat muscles.  Tossing a medicine ball to someone while standing on it works really well too.  I’m totally expecting to be hobbling tomorrow, but it had to happen eventually.

Emotional Mess

I had an emotionally draining day today.  My mom and I were talking about all sorts of things this morning, and we got on the topic of my brother’s impending homecoming from his second deployment.  As this is his second, we know what to expect a little bit more.  It’s frustrating and slow.  There’s such a sense of relief yet it’s far from over.  It took him almost a full year to get to a good place after he got home.  As his family, we feel very helpless in the whole thing.  Plus none of us lived close to him to help even if he needed it.

I took his first deployment pretty hard.  He and I are very close, and I really didn’t know what to do or how I felt about it.  By the time he came home, DH was entering the military and we began facing his own deployment possibilities.  It’s tough.  I feel like I should know how to help and support my husband since I’ve gone through someone close to me doing it.  I don’t.  To me, it just highlighted my inadequacies.  I know nothing.

Talking to my mom today though, I could hear the relief in her voice.  Soon it would be over.  For me though, it’s not ending.  DH will soon be deployed, and I will be doing it alone.  When Super Rad left, we tightened the family.  Visiting him was a coordinated event.  Calling, sending mail, and sharing news were all done along a carefully constructed network.  We talked, speculated, and worried as a group.  I am a group of one.  Yes, other people care about him, but it’s not a shared vital fear.  They are one layer removed.  It made me very scared and lonely thinking about it.  I don’t feel like I have the space to be scared about the whole thing.  I need to be supportive.  I want to be supportive, to focus on whatever DH wants or needs.  But I’m scared too, and I don’t know when to do that or where to get comfort for that.  I’m angry that other people get to stop worrying now when I don’t.  I feel like I’m doing this alone.  I don’t know who to relate to.  I don’t want to call up  my mother.  A son and a husband are not the same thing.

And I worry…..a lot….about everything.  I worry about not knowing how to help him when he comes home.  I worry about how I will do while he’s gone.  I worry that he won’t ask me for help because he thinks I can’t handle it.  I worry that he’ll have nightmares and I won’t be able to ease his fears.  I worry that he won’t want me when he gets back.  I can’t list everything I worry about.  I know I am worrying myself sick way before I need to even starting thinking about it, but it’s been weighing on me lately.  Today it just bubbled over.  I’m tired and sad.

On a related and happy note, Sis B welcomed her man back home finally.  I’m so happy for her.  I’ve been following her blog for awhile, and I have really felt connected to her struggles.  I love her in part because she’s a wonderful writer and in part because I think I’ve found a woman who loves her husband as intensely as I love DH.  I’m sure her house is incredibly crazy today in a gloriously perfect way.

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