Shopping For Baby Red

My best friend since middle school, Red, is having a baby in August.  She still lives within a few miles of where we went to school together, the same area where she has lived her whole life.  I loved the area and am so jealous.  She feels the same about my transitory lifestyle.  We’re pretty  much opposite in most ways, but we’re cohorts in crime.  Anyway, we’ve stayed in touch and we the Maids of Honor in each others’ weddings.  Her husband, Mr. Red the Giant, is a deputy sheriff in a tiny town.  She’s going to nursing school.  They just bought a cute little house that needs a lot of work, but will be adorable once it’s done.  They found out she was pregnant right after Christmas.  She called me on New Years Eve, and we spent the night talking on the phone rather than celebrating.  (I’m pretty sure I had a way better time than most people.  I hate those kinds of parties.)  I’ve tried to restrain myself, but now that it’s only a few months away, I’ve started the baby shopping.  Yay!

I got tiny little socks and three classic books while I was out shopping today.  I’m so excited.  I picked up a camo onesie while I was out visiting DH a few weeks ago too.  As we went through high school and college apart, whenever we called with news about a new boyfriend, we’d always ask if they knew about the “best friend” yet.  I have to make sure this little baby knows about me too!  And Mr. Red the Giant is an avid hunter, so I know he’ll dig the camo too.  I’m going out for the birth, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to mail my baby goodies because I’ll have too many to take on the plane with me.

DH and I have no plans for babies in the future.  We’ve talked about it a lot and really don’t want them.  We really enjoy our time alone together, and having kids pretty much makes that a rarity.  And my mental state is fairly precarious right now.  I worry that I couldn’t handle the stress that comes with parenthood, the military, work, and life.  Once a kid is born though, there’s no going back, and unless I am 100% sure I’ll be ok, I don’t want to risk it.  I’d be messing up an entire person for the rest of their life.  There are lots and lots of other reasons too.  We aren’t enthusiastic kid people.  We have serious student loans and worry about financially being able to support another little baby.  DH’s military career is just starting and more unknown than normal.  Starting a family just isn’t practical right now.  But…

There are times when I really, really want a baby.  The catch is, I feel the yearning is for only parts of the baby process.  The making is always great.  🙂  I want to see DH’s face when he finds out and when he holds the baby the first time.  I want to read to it.  I want to see DH’s face and mannerisms in another little person.  I also don’t want to wait until I’m close to 40 and then decide I want to be a parent.  I don’t know.  I feel like those aren’t good enough reasons.  They’re not kid reasons, they’re lovey-DH reasons.  And the kid grows up and I still have to be a parent.  I don’t want to do school pictures and soccer games and Barbies.  I don’t want tantrums and Hannah Montana.  I don’t want the kid past the few moments I’d share with DH at the beginning.  To me, those aren’t very good reasons to make a person.

I am just feeling a lot of pressure.  DH and I have been married longer than most of our friends and they’re all getting into baby-making mode.  Half of my cousins are expecting in the next few months.  It’s all they talk about.  I’m overjoyed for them, but the question that always comes up is “When are you two going to start?”  Uhh…we have to start?  DH and I have talked about him deploying and how that impacts babydom.  I can totally see myself wanting a mini-DH if something happens and he doesn’t come home.  We’ve talked about banking his swimmers.  I have mixed feelings about it.  It takes a lot of the pressure off of deciding right now, so that’s good.  I know I’d want a piece of him if I could.  I have hesitations about my kid never knowing his father, although not deal-braking ones.  I would miss DH’s involvement in the whole process.  All those moments I want now wouldn’t be possible.  It’s a tough call.  For now, I’ll enjoy shopping for baby gear for other people.  It’s all so cute and tiny, plus it ignores my problem entirely.

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