Struggling, And Not Just With This Paper

It is indeed late.  I know, but my days are filled with school and I needed a slight respite before going to bed.  First, this is finals week.  Yay for another class almost done!  Boo for having to get through the last torturous week.  😦  I does not get easier.  One final research paper about 25 pages long.  I’m about 8.5 pages in, and it’s due Saturday night.  It will get finished.  It always does.   Man, I greatly, greatly dislike this part.  I’m writing on the Mughal Empire during Medieval India.  I chose the topic to write about something different.  Great idea in theory…  I realized how little I knew about the Mughals once I started researching.  So I ended up with a research project that was a bit more labor intensive than I’d planned.  Two more days, baby.  Just two more days with my butt glued to this chair.

In other news, I did a bad thing.  I fell off my wagon.  Over three years down the drain.  I just couldn’t take it yesterday afternoon.  I was two days into this stinkin’ paper, and I was upset.  I went too far before I even realized it.  Once I was there, it was so exciting again.  It was like exhaling after holding my breath for three and a half years.  I wish it hadn’t been so good because then it would be easier to convince myself that I shouldn’t all over again.

But I also did a good thing.  DH and I have been in limited contact the past few days by choice.  I was spiralling downward and wanted to be alone.  He was more than happy to let me.  I called this afternoon and fessed up though.  Not an easy thing to do at all.  DH has zero tolerance for that sort of behavior.  He can blow a fuse over it before I’m even done with the sentence.  I did it though, and DH was very disappointed with me but he didn’t yell.  Points for him, but it still wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  I wish I could have gotten some comfort, some understanding, some concern for my emotional level if I was bad enough to do that again.  Maybe I don’t deserve it if I’m doing stuff like that.  Either way, I did feel better after.  Scared and very weepy too, but better was in there.  I don’t exactly know where this is going to go from here.

Since I’m here I also wanted to add how disappointed I was with the Bones season finale tonight.  It was a great move on the writers’ part.  The ending was totally unexpected, but geeze!  I could barely work today in anticipation.  I guess that makes it actually very good, but I was left unsatisfied afterward.  Can’t we all agree that that’s what’s really important here?  And now I’ve become one of those people.  I’ve sunken to new levels of lameness.  Batting a thousand this week, aren’t I?




Chillaxin’ to +44 tonight.  “Lillian” is making my eyes droopy….excellent.


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