I want to hurt myself so badly right now. DH and I were arguing, which happens more often when we’re apart because we’re both cranky and uncomfortable. It’s so frustrating because nothing seems to be easy. We got off the phone, and I just want to scream. We don’t argue well on a good day. Once I get flustered, I can think quick enough to put how I feel in order. Thoughts are all pinging around in my head, but they won’t slow down long enough to be made sense of. I know I want to slow down, but the momentum of the argument won’t let me. I’ve gotten to the point where I just give up. I can’t win at that stage. I can’t even articulate my anger when my words are being twisted out of context. DH doesn’t argue fairly. He’s learned how to take that momentum and run with it. He can talk in circles, so there’s no option but to logically agree with him even when I know it’s wrong. He’s good with words and is very quick, and in my sluggish state, I’m left in the dust. It makes me furious and desperate. I just want to hurt myself afterward because I know it will get the pain out when my brain and mouth can’t. Maybe the visual pain will say enough.

How to reconcile what I want and what I know I should do? I want to talk to someone, but my best option is fuming several states away. I’ve tried asking for the anger to be set aside until my crisis has past, but that didn’t work. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to cut. I want the pain to stop. I want to get my emotions articulated in a manner in which others can understand and help me manage. How can I get there from here? How can I get there from here by myself? I hate being alone. Don’t I give enough to get just this one thing?


It’s probably time to hide the razor blades again.


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