I Need

I don’t know what I’m doing here tonight.  I don’t want to be sitting here typing to no one.  I want to be hearing someone’s voice responding to my needs.  I want my husband to comfort me.

This feeling comes and goes, and it’s taking it’s toll.  I can’t do what’s best.  I can’t always have the answers.  Sometimes I need someone else to take the wheel and let me rest.  I know therapy would be the most beneficial at this point, but what can it give me right now at 1 am?  I have the urge to hurt myself, and no one has the balls to talk to me about it.  If everyone is protecting themselves, does that give me permission to self medicate too?

All I really need is a lap to crawl into so I can feel protected while I heal.  I need someone to stroke my hair and tell me over and over again that it’s going to be ok.  I need to be rocked to sleep.  And maybe most importantly, I need someone to know and do that without me instructing from the sidelines because I need to let go for awhile.

How Utopian.  So what do I do when that doesn’t happen?  This is so hard.  I have no answers.  I have no skills to move forward.  Times like this make me feel like I have nothing but pain.




Nursing my wounds to Lucero tonight.  Nobody’s Darlings.  Check them out.

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