And the other shoe drops

After a long day at the transportation office learning how to fill out my request for the military to move my household goods, not packing, and having the last good-bye meal with DH’s family, I’m up late working on my first homework assignment for my fourth seminar.  Not a good start.  I was just finishing up when it hit me that I have to say good-bye to DH for nine months too!

Maybe it’s the stress of the day or the late hour or that my mind was finally focused on something else, but it suddenly made me so sad.  We’ve been talking about this constantly for a week, and our conversation back home tonight was all about how much it all doesn’t seem real.  Man, I’m not looking forward to this.  I’m suddenly all panicky and nervous.  I get like this every time, and I never can find a way to avoid the frantic, out of control feeling.  What am I supposed to do?!  I am perfectly capable of doing this by myself, and I’m not even going to be alone for crying out loud!  I’m going to my parents who did the separate-moving-military thing for 20 years…with two kids!!  DH’s helpfulness the past few weeks has been less than stellar, and I’ve been on his case (he calls it nagging) that I’m doing it all by myself, so really, I have no reason to worry about my own abilities.

Take today for example.  At the transportation meeting this afternoon, DH slides the forms to me, tunes out, and proceeds to text his friend.  I am not used to half the acronyms yet, and the form had to be filled out along with a video that went extremely fast.  That’s skipping the issues with just getting DH to attend the meeting.  About halfway through I got so overwhelmed and upset and started to cry.  I get it; the lady fills out dozens of these forms on a daily basis, but I have never done one.  Is it too much to ask for her to be a bit more understanding and slow down?  Anyway, it got done minus DH’s input.

But that break down was the beginning.  I got home tonight and started homework, but I had to stop to start frantically making lists for tomorrow.  The fear and panic about the good-bye is starting to settle in.  I was really hopeful about my attitude about this whole thing until tonight.  I’ve really been focusing on the positive things that I’m going to do while DH is busy, but they’re so hard to remember tonight and seem so trivial.  I’m just so sad and lonely right now.  I wish someone would take the pain away and tell me I don’t have to do it.  I so hope that this next nine months goes well and helps reinforce my confidence and self-reliance.  I know how I want to feel but don’t really know how to get there, especially since it seems like every time I get to practice my independence it doesn’t get me nearly as close to that goal as I thought it would.


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