I’m so out of my element with this medication thing.  Supposedly it should take awhile to feel the affects, and I might have to go through several dosage adjustments to find my level, so I can’t really tell if it’s working.  I feel relief though knowing that at least it will end.  I don’t have to worry about what if I can’t get a handle on this before the baby gets here or while DH is gone.  At least the decision is made, and I know I will eventually feel better regardless.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at.  Red and I have been talking when we can.  Having her already have navigated these waters is really reassuring.  She keeps reminding me that this is the right choice, and I’m being proactive instead of waiting for what we all know will turn into postpartum depression.  She had another baby boy in December, by the way.  He’s adorable, but he’s getting in the way of my phone calls.

I’ll keep you updated in how this whole medication thing goes, but I’m optimistic and that’s good.

Prenatal depression isn’t exactly uncommon, although obviously it gets less attention than postpartum depression, and I am at a much higher risk with my past history, but I’m still bummed.  I’ve never had to go on antidepressants before (although maybe I should have), and it feels like such a failure.  I’m worried about the side effects because I know these meds are serious drugs.  I’m worried about taking too long to figure out the med situation and being too late because I know it takes awhile to get the right combination/level of these drugs.  I’m worried about this being the right choice because I’ve been able to deal with this on my own in the past.

It just sucks!  Health-wise I’m doing so well.  My stomach issues are calm.  The baby couldn’t be growing more perfectly.  I’m just starting to hate the baby and this pregnancy for so many reasons.  I hate that it’s changing my relationship with DH.  I hate the pressure I feel having to shop for it.  I hate the intrusion I feel from my family because they’re excited for it.  I hate how my body’s changing to accommodate it.  I hate strangers asking personal questions about it.  I hate the uncomfortableness and the squirminess and the sleeplessness that it’s causing me.  I hate the public expectation to be overjoyed over it.  I hate everything right now.  I’m stressing over the birth, over shopping, over single-parenting while DH is gone…  It doesn’t end.

I’m bummed that I have to go through this healing process again, but I’m more worried that because of its different causes, this time is going to be harder and I’m not going to be able to be a good parent.  I already feel like it’s unfair for DH to live and deal with a mentally ill person regularly, but a kid isn’t going to understand.  I don’t want to burden him with it when he should be worry-free and ignorant of such problems.  And that’s how my thought process goes full circle and I start feeling like crap again.

I was drawn to the book because it was a different kind of war story.  I’m used to reading war history, but I live war in a certain way.  I wanted to read something that described the “invisible casualties” like I feel and deal with when I live war.

I love how Nielsen describes in the book how much war does affect people without them realizing it.  She lived in Israel during the Gulf War, but the mental ramifications of the conflict haunt her relationship forever.  People cannot be left untouched by war regardless of their role in it, and the full extent to which they are changed comes out slowly.  It’s a cautionary tale as much as it is a personal memoir.

I really identify with Nielsen and her struggles even though I haven’t lived war or attempted to assimilate into a different culture like she did.  She wrestles with how much of herself to let go into this new relationship, especially when the war is changing what exactly that is to begin with.  She wrestles with loving and living with a person who is equally traumatized by war.  She wrestles with wanting something badly but knowing that something is wrong at the same time.  She describes a very human experience that I think most can relate to even if war has never touched their lives.  She really wants to save someone, but that someone ends up being herself.

The book is a very quick read because Nielsen’s writing is effortless.  Much as I’m sure she does, readers are left wishing for a different outcome at the end but knowing that it could not have been different.  As lonely as Nielsen made the war and surviving it seem, the less alone it made me feel for butting heads with the effects of war in my own home.

I don’t quite know why that greeting was needed, but it felt right.

I figured I should try and do a beebs update since it’s been awhile.  It’s not that I’m lazy with posting, (although I sorta am) it’s that there’s nothing interesting to report.  It’s still in there.  It’s moving like crazy, although it can tell when it’s DH’s hand and he goes into stealth mode.  My underwear ceased to fit weeks ago.  So far we’re both healthy and complication-free.  It’s the most uninteresting pregnancy ever.  No weird cravings or anything.  It’s down-right boring.

We had our big ultrasound about a month ago.  He looked like the cutest little thing ever!  DH found out the gender, but he’s sworn to secrecy.  We have names mostly nailed down, and I’ve been walking around saying “he,” but it’s mostly because saying “it” is weird.

The good news is I literally just got back from the chiropractor!  On a whim I decided to go with DH to his adjustment this afternoon, and the pediatric chiro was working.  Ahhhh!!!!  It’s like angels came out and a little golden light when on over his head.  Plus, it’s a military only chiro, so the prices are totally affordable.  Military insurance does not cover chiropractic care, and this place opened up a few months ago right off post especially for military families.  Treatments are less than $20!  That’s huge when typical chiro prices for established customers tend to be $50-$75.  My hips and low back are smiling right now.  I can’t wait for lil beebs to get here because I will be taking him.  I totally plan on being a regular customer for these last few months too.  I will single-handedly keep this place in business.

Besides that, my main issue is me.  The baby’s fine.  My back is now fine.  Mentally, I’m dragging my feet on adjusting.  We haven’t bought a single thing for this beebs yet.  I just can’t seem to do it.  It feels weird even though I’d obviously be waddling up to the check out at this point.  I’m finding so much anxiety about buying the wrong thing.  How can I know what he’s going to like or want when I haven’t met him yet?  Things are so expensive for babies!  I am paranoid about investing in baby items that I don’t need.  And there’s so much of it, and one thing leads to something else.  It’s amazing how stores and books and commercials make it seem like you will not survive if you don’t have product x, but as a potential parents, you are so freaked that you will believe anything.  So you’re convinced you must have product x, and then there’s only 15,000 choices of product x, but choose carefully because the wrong one might have BPA or some fatal recall that will doom your kid to pigeon toes and bad gas mileage forever!!  It’s amazing how quickly I can be reduced to tears in the rubber-coated spoon aisle of a BabysRUs.

My solution has been teensy baby steps to the point that I’m pretty much ignoring that my house is void of impending babydom evidence.  I have been staying away from reading about pregnancy because I don’t want to stress, and those books are designed to do nothing but send you into a panic about just about everything.  I did find a pretty great book with a worksheet for buying for babies at the library, so I’ve modified that.  I have made list of the absolute bare essentials and things that I’m 100% sure I want for comfort, their estimated cost, and suggested quantity.  That in itself is a big step forward.  I’ve started looking online to compare big ticket items like strollers and cribs too.  Now I have to actually put the plan into action.  Thank goodness I have three months to procrastinate, and my mom is visiting next month.

The challenges I’m facing:

• I’m working with people, one in particular, who while eager to utilize Facebook as a tool, aren’t quite getting what our target audience is.  She seems to be mixing information that our patrons could use or would find interesting with what she as a library professional finds interesting and could use.  I hate to play the generational card on this one, but she is older.  Perhaps I’m more in tune with what a student would want out of their research tools having been a student much, much more recently than she was.
• I work with people (who happen to be the same as the above mentioned people) who can’t let go of control of the account.  I’m getting “ideas” for posts in my email almost daily for things that are irrelevant and frankly boring.  I don’t know how to either tweak those ideas into something engaging or politely tell these people to “step off my area, yo.”
• I don’t know what we should be telling our followers.  Are we using Facebook as an outlet for a change in hours or computer policy?  Are we trying to promote history (since we’re a military history research library) and an interest in academic discovery in general?  Are we directing it toward our current students (who are only around for about six months), their project deadlines, and immediate research needs?  Are we showcasing our collection and abilities as a library for potential users?
• The space isn’t engaging.  People rarely comment and the regulars are other librarians.

While I personally avoid Facebook like the plague in my personal life and don’t necessarily agree with the trend toward using it for everything in the known universe, I have embraced this task with abundant enthusiasm at work.  I love getting other people interested and familiar with libraries and their resources because I love these things too.  Plus it lets me be creative in a rigid, order-centric profession.

I was lucky enough to work with a great librarian at a previous job who is at the forefront of the technology movement in libraries.  Her name is Meredith Farkas, and she has written a book on the topic (Social Software in Libraries), spoken at numerous conferences, and keeps up a blog over at Information Wants to be Free.  Having worked with her before, I had been exposed to some of these issues previously although I hadn’t given them a lot of thought professionally.  I’ve picked up her book along with several others and have been thinking a lot.

This is what I’d like to accomplish and am trying to do:

• I need to make our page more interactive.  I want to ask questions and pose odd or sensational but relevant topics that might jump start conversation and elicit feedback.
• I have to get rid of the library professional development that keeps popping up on the page.
• I’d like to create some sort of a monthly quiz/contest that draws people in by offering something as a prize but causes them to either come into the library or search our webpage to answer.  I want to be sneaky, sneaky and really get people to learn a bit about how to use library resources.
• I’d like a byproduct of all this to be higher visitor numbers to the Facebook page since that’s how my success is being measured for monthly reports.

So now I’d like your thoughts.  Do any of you guys use Facebook regularly?  As humans who frequent business fan pages on Facebook, what do you like to see or how do you like to use their pages?  I know some of you work in education.  Any tips for making education topics more engaging?  For those who live via social media, any success tips that you can share?

•  Getting next year’s Christmas cards on sale for $4!  Sorry guys…you always get last year’s designs because I buy them on clearance the year before.
•  Finding the perfect gift for the hubs just in time to have it shipped and arrive before the big day.  I’ve been so stumped this year.
•  New yarn and a full set of hooks.  Thank you sis-in-law!!  A scarf may be coming her way depending how much I fall in love with these colors.
•  3:30 quitting time and four day work weeks until after the New Year.
•  New planner/calendar season!
• The new Sherlock Holmes movie.  It most definitely held up as a sequel.  I luv historical fiction!

The job is nice.  Really nice.  It’s at the academic library on post and serves mostly captains going to school in a six month course.  I’m officially a contractor, which  means the government hired an outside, civilian company to provide manpower for certain jobs like mine.  It’s nice yet weird.  I have bosses in triplicate.  Some of my co-workers doing the same job are government employees, meaning they have different bosses, paydays, and dress codes.  I get great benefits and pay.  I’m treated like an important employee, valued for my knowledge and skill.  It’s all so foreign compared to MWR.  But when the company’s contract for this particular job runs out, I’m cut loose.  The company has to re-bid to the government to get the chance to provide manpower again.  Anyone can be the lowest bidder.  I’m ok with the situation because I probably won’t be living here when the contract runs out, but it’s still a weird position to be in.  I like my co-workers though.  They’re all sane and drama-free.  I’ve transitioned into working with the team really easily, and I’m loving it.

It’s still a library.  I do a lot of shelving and checking out books and cataloging new items just like the other job.  Libraries, regardless of who they serve, are fairly similar.  I’m still finding it much slower to adjust than I thought however.  These customers don’t ask me pens or directions.  They don’t continually jam the copier.  They are wonderful, courteous, intelligent human beings.  It’s lovely.  It’s refreshing.  And it really highlights how jaded and cynical I’ve become working with the scourge of the Earth at the regular public library.  I expect and anticipate stupidity, and that makes me a little sad.

My favorite part is that this library has a large archive, and I’m getting to do original research again.  I’m helping students find primary sources for their projects.  I’m creating finding aids to help them use the archive better.  I love doing this, and I’m really, really good at it.  I was hired for my education (!!) to do exactly this.  Someone looked at my resume and transcripts and said, “damn, this girl’s brilliant and we can’t pass up her skills,” and that still boggles my mind.  I’ve been working at shitty, underpaid jobs way too long.

Anyway, the library’s been moving to a new building the last two weeks, so I haven’t even gotten a chance to do my real job very much yet.  I feel giddy that I love it this much already, and I’ve only gotten a small taste of what it’s really going to be like.  It couldn’t have come at a better time.

Beebs is doing good. … So yeah, not much to report really.  I’m growing like nobody’s business.  I’m full maternity clothes and the whole shebang.  I’ve started feeling him wiggle around here within the last two weeks.  We have an ultrasound coming up, and I’m really excited to see how much bigger he’s gotten.

As it looks now, it doesn’t look promising that DH will be in town for the birth, and I’m totally devastated.  I know it’s not for sure, but I’m completely broken up by the thought that he might miss it.  It’s a memory and feeling that cannot be recreated, and I think it’s absolutely unfair that it could get taken from us.  I feel so angry at the Army.  I know and accept that birthdays and holidays will be missed, but I cannot be ok with getting robbed of this to.  I cannot fathom how I will be able to do this with anyone but him even though I think everyone we know has volunteered.  It’s just not the same.  As always, we’ll wait and see.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit us for the first time here at this house, so we’ve been cleaning and prepping for that.  I hoped to get curtains made for the guest room by then, but really, after two years curtains are a bit superfluous don’t ya think?  I want to maybe try my hand at a process post with those, so it all works out.

I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend.  If you’re lucky enough to be with people you love, enjoy the memories.  If you’re unlucky enough to be stuck with family, well, I feel for ya.  My sister-in-law is having a small case of baby fever, and I’m afraid for my bulging gut.  Good luck out there.

I suddenly got hired at the academic library on post!  I say suddenly because I interviewed and was hired all over about four days.  I got a call asking if I was interested in the position because it might come open in the near future.  That was in August, and I’d kept it in the back of my mind but the beebs has taken over most of my planning lately.  Then I got a call Friday asking if I could interview for it an hour later!  Of course I said yes, but talk about panic attack.  I had no time to prepare.  I barely even showered.

But it obviously went well, and in less than two weeks I’m going to see a huge increase in my paycheck!!  I’m so incredibly excited.  I get benefits!  I get maternity leave!  I get weekends and evenings off!  I get to be surrounded by dusty, old military history books and students who are studying them!  It’s like the mothership is calling me home.  Le sigh…

The only bum thing is they have a tattoo policy.  Ugh.  Seriously?  It’s hard enough to find clothes that fit right now.  I spent this morning shopping, and again, it poured because I got a total haul.  I was dreading maternity clothes shopping.  Clothes are so expensive, and I’m still wearing stuff from almost a decade ago because I’m way too cheap to invest in my professional image.  I cannot justify spending so much money on something so temporary.  I researched and found a thrift maternity store in town, and it’s a complete gem.  I got three pairs of dress pants and five nice business shirts for $25!  It was glorious.  I was so happy with how well it turned out I splurged and bought a pair of boots at Ross (which were more expensive than all my clothes, even at Ross) so I can still wear my stretch skirts to work.  It was such a great, productive day shopping.  How often does that happen?

I don’t know if you’ve heard on the news, but next year a lot of banks are implementing monthly fees to use your debit card.  You can still use the card at ATMs for free, but if you want to avoid debt and actually spend only what you have in your bank account at any one time by relying on a debit card for purchases, you will be charged a monthly fee.  A few banks are trying this already, one actually charging a fee per transaction, but several more are moving to this in the New Year.  The government is enacting new laws that limit (by almost half) how much banks can collect from retails who accept cards, so the banks are passing it on to their customers.  I was ticked.  It’s hard enough to stay out of debt, especially as a young person.  So I did a bunch of research and changed my bank today too.  I was being so productive.  It’s a pain to change over all those direct deposits, online bill pay, and linked accounts.  I feel better having stuck it to the man though.

Oh, and I got the beebs on the wait list for daycare.  You know you have to do that months in advance?  It’s crazy.  That, a business meeting for work this morning, this blog post, and a stop at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for bed raisers, and I’m having the most productive day all before 3:00 that I think I’ve ever had.

however…

I’m three months pregnant.

I didn’t mean to keep this off the airwaves for so long.  I actually sat down several times to start this post.  I just didn’t know where.  I didn’t have time.  There’s so much to say, yet so very little.

I thought I was going to be a nervous wreck because of how the last pregnancy turned out, but instead DH and I both are calm and laid back.  We’d had the worst happen, so there wasn’t anything left to do but sit back and wait and see how it all played out.  We aren’t crazy nuts like we were last time.  We feel older and wiser.  There’s no frantic panic.  There’s no stress if that’s possible.  It all feels very odd yet oddly normal.  I guess this is how it’s supposed to be.

There’s a lot of love.  There’s a lot of belly rubbing because I do have a little belly already.  There’s a lot of phone calls from my mother, who just found out about a week ago.  It was that phone call that made me realize that you all don’t even know yet, which is so not how it usually happens.  There’s just a lot of happy.

What else?  I feel like I had tons to say, but I can’t think of anything right now.  There’s the usual.  Morning sickness blows.  I can’t sleep enough.  Anything with mayonnaise is like a glorious gift.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m still not in the beautiful miracle mind set, but I’m good.

Again, sorry guys.